Is Romance Killing Marriage?

by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

I don’t know many who would doubt that marriage is in a crisis.  According to statistics, between 42% and 50% of marriages happening right now will end in divorce. Statistics about affairs are a little more shaky.  Conservative estimates place the number at about a quarter of people will have an affair by age 52. Less conservative estimates tag the number at 60% of men and 40% of women will have an affair during their lifetime.

Just 80 years ago, only 1 in 6 marriages ended in divorce. Marriages are now over 3 times as likely to fail.  So, what is the problem? 

I am unwilling to place all the blame on romance, but I do believe there has been a significant shift in the meaning of marriage.  We have become an overly-sexualized and –romanticized society.

Don’t get me wrong.  There is a place for sexuality and romance, but not the role given today. The existence is not the issue, but the predominance.  The cart is, indeed, before the horse.

I spend my days working with couples and reflecting on marriage. What stands out to me is the many times I have heard a phrase like these:

“I just don’t feel the way I should feel.”

“I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you.”

“I’ve lost the spark, and I can’t get it back.”

“I feel like we are just roommates.”

The common thread in all is that something is missing, the romantic feelings, the chemistry of a relationship. And many people assume that once these feelings are gone, there is proof that something is fundamentally wrong with the relationship.

Let me say this one more time, to be clear:  I am not against romance. I am not against chemistry. I think these are crucial elements in successful marriages.  But to make them the measuring stick of a marriage is extremely dangerous.

Here’s why:  the chemistry between a couple, in other words, the desire to be romantic, ebbs and flows in the natural rhythm of a relationship.  Couples naturally feel more and less intimate at different points in a relationship.

Many people can’t understand why that intense chemistry cannot continue throughout a relationship. They think the flame is dying, the marriage is in trouble. But recent research shows how right we are when we say “madly in love.”  The same parts of the brain that are overly stimulated in psychosis are likewise stimulated during the infatuation period of a relationship.

We experience an intense cascade of emotions and chemical reactions that create desire to be close. But when we spend our days thinking about the other person, yearning to be in that person’s arms, scheming of how to show our undying love, normal life is just about impossible.

The strong feelings of infatuation have to cool to a more manageable level.  But because of the strong messages we get from movies, books, magazines, songs, and self-help resources, we believe that our relationships should be “hot and passionate.” We are either breathless or something’s wrong.

We need a different paradigm.  We need to recalculate and make sure what we expect is both sustainable and healthy.

So, here’s the truth:  romance and passion naturally emerge from healthy relationships. When couples are loving toward each other, when couples meet each other’s needs, passion is a natural by-product. Romance becomes the desire to show the passion felt toward the other.  It is not something to be conjured at certain times. It is not something we do, but something that emerges from within us.

When people believe that the lack of passion means the relationship is fundamentally flawed miss the point that the real issue is establishing intimacy and connection.  That is a much more manageable task than trying to rekindle passion. Passion cannot be forced.  It is a natural by-product of the relationship that is being tended.

So the real task is to move from the opposite direction. Here are some simple suggestions:

• Focus on connection. When we work on being with someone, spending time, learning about him or her, and nurturing a sense of being a team, we kindle intimacy.
   
• Focus on doing loving things. When we do loving things, we create loving feelings.  Think of how a relationship naturally develops. We do nice things for someone else, and feel good about it.  They reciprocate and feel good. That, in turn, fuels our desire to do even more loving things, and the relationship grows.  Here, the importance is in consciously loving.  Part of commitment that is involved in marriage is doing loving things, sometimes when you don’t feel the emotion. This is a matter of separating doing loving from the emotion of loving.

• Focus on caring for the other person. Often, when we feel that our needs are not getting met, we are quick to turn the focus to self, and we ask “what am I getting out of this.” But that is a problem. When both retreat, asking the question, the answer becomes obvious – nothing.  But if you keep moving toward the other, there is a chance to break through. It tends to be a growing back-and-forth of each becoming more giving. But someone has to start it.

• Focus on accepting the other person. The things that attracted us sometimes become the things that drive us crazy. But part of what makes things interesting is that that other person is different than you.  Revel in that.  Find ways of relishing the difference, the idiosyncrasies of the other.  Make it your job to not only tolerate, but to truly treasure the differences.

Don’t let romance lead the way!  Love and commitment are the true engines. And when those engines are running, the rest will follow.