It is right between your ears! Your brain is at war with itself.
Well, to be more accurate, there are two parts of your brain that are constantly at odds with each other, both looking for different things.
And the part of your brain we humans are most proud of — that rational, reasonable, logical part — is trying to play referee. . . but not very effectively!
Your lizard brain and your herd brain try to hijack you. Each has a different desire, a different need. And both can end up tripping you up. . . unless you understand the roles of each. And until you learn to listen to each one.
Learn more about how the war in your head can kill your marriage — and what to do about it!
Let me say that I do not think it is alright to be in a relationship where none of your needs are met.
But I want to challenge you: are you doing those things, so that your needs will be met?
If so, you are not giving love, you are trying to make a transaction: “I do this for you, so you do that for me.”
That is a recipe for hurt and pain.
Love is a gift. And only when it is freely given can it be accepted without manipulation or expectation.
Let me say that again:
Love is a gift, not a transaction.
Sometimes, I hear a spouse complain, “I always think there are strings attached. It feels so needy and manipulative.” While they can’t quite put there finger on it, this is the reason. Their spouse is doing “loving” things, but not without strings attached, expectations just below the surface.
This behavior often grows into a relationship, contaminating it. At first, you do things because you want the other person to know how much you care. Then, over time, it is more and more about feeling cared for. Maybe it is a hug, hoping for a hug in return. Perhaps it is an “I love you,” so you can be assured of an “I love you” back. Or maybe it is a “backrub,” with hopes and pressure it will lead to more.
Love is a gift, freely given.
Transactions are for businesses and banks.
The gift of love is only felt as love, when it is given with no strings attached.
Let’s talk about it in today’s podcast!
Marriage is an idea you don’t fully understand until you are in it.
Unfortunately, there is plenty of time to make mistakes, all while trying to figure it out.
We forget that training for marriage only happens “on the job.” Which is why it shouldn’t be a surprise that so many people feel hurt and neglected in their relationships.
So, in this week’s podcast, I want to provide an image and consider the implications.
What if you treated your marriage (not your spouse, but the relationship) like a baby? What would that change? (An astute reader made this observation, and I thought it was powerful. Powerful enough to share.)
Listen and let me know what you think!
(Ready to learn more about caring for your marriage and healing it? Grab my Save The Marriage System HERE.)
Sometimes, though, when something big is in front of us, we forget that last word, “action.”
You can study, read, cogitate, agitate, marinate. . . and do nothing.
Oh, sure, it can feel like you are doing something. After all, your mind is in overdrive. But there is no action.
It’s kind of like being stuck in neutral, but revving the engine. It sounds like something is happening. The engine is roaring. But there is no movement.
Why does that happen?
I believe there are 4 barriers. Here they are:
- Lack of knowledge
- Lack of confidence
- Lack of desire
But you have to get started!
Fear may make you feel like you don’t want to take action. But fear is really only telling you that it is important.
And you don’t have to get it perfectly. You have to get started and moving in the right direction.
Let’s get out of neutral and get you headed back to a relationship you can treasure!
Listen to the podcast below.
- “Love should just happen.”
- “This is just too much work.”
- “I’m not feeling it, so it must not be true love.”
- “I just don’t feel the attraction/excitement I used to feel. Something is wrong.”
Have you ever been told something so many times that you begin to doubt yourself? You begin to believe what the other person (an upset spouse, friends, family, etc.) says — even if it goes against what you (think you) believe.
Our notions about love are like that. And unfortunately, those romanticized notions of love are what we grow up on. We are fed them by movies, books, songs, and culture.
But Authentic Love is different. It is not devoid of romance. It is just not based on it. Romanticized love is based on 4 unsustainable elements. Authentic Love is based on 4 sustainable elements, and in your control.
“I’m not feeling it” is not a reason to end a marriage. It is a reason to reconsider the working definition of love.
Don’t be sucked in by the view of love in the movies, in the books, in songs, and that others around you might have. It is dangerous, and misguided.
(No, I am not against romance — unless it is used as the “litmus test” of a relationship. Otherwise, it is great!)
That word, “discouraged,” hit me.
Dis-couraged. To lose courage.
We can be discouraged, losing our courage. We can be encouraged, taking courage in. And we can act courageously — act, in spite of fear.
Courage is not the absence of fear. It is choosing to act, to do what is right or good, even in the face of fear.
“Courage” comes from a Latin word, “cor,” which means “heart.”
You see, courage comes from the heart, from our core being. Courage comes from an inner strength, an understanding of what needs to be done.
Have you been discouraged?
Learn the 6 steps back to COURAGE.
It may feel like paralysis — nothing will move. It may feel like frustration — pushing against something, but with no progress. It may feel like the engine is revving, but you are stuck in neutral.
In the end, all amount to the same situation: no movement, no change.
Why is that? Why are you stuck?
I would suggest there are 3 reasons:
- You don’t know what to do. Or,
- You don’t know how to do it. Or,
- You are scared to do it!
The first 2 are all about gaining knowledge, gaining understanding. The 3rd is simply choosing to let go of the fear.
Don’t let the feeling of fear keep you from the action of importance!
Fear is simply pointing to something important. It is NOT a warning of what to avoid. Don’t treat it that way. Move through it.
Let’s talk through the 3 reasons you are stuck, and the way to get through each one. Listen below!
Resources Mentioned In The Podcast:
Book: How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps
Resources on Rebuilding Connection
The Save The Marriage System
Why You Need A Plan To Save Your Marriage
Discovering the REAL Reasons You Are Saving Your Marriage
Virtual Coaching With Me
Remember that day? You promised to stick together through good and bad days, rich and poor days, sick and healthy days.
And you knew you would.
Then, things began to deteriorate.
But do you remember that time when you believed, “Not us. We won’t have problems. We won’t face divorce.”
And here you are.
What happened to the dream?
There are 5 core reasons why the dream dies. If you know the reasons, you can also begin working backward to heal the problems and. . . regain the dream.
Reclaim your dream of your marriage.
Let me tell you the 4 things you need to do in order to reclaim the dream.
The other day, I was reading an article by someone, proclaiming 3 words that would save your marriage.
That caught my attention! And then, it caught my ire. The advice was bad.
At best, the suggestion will do little to help your marriage. At worst, it will cause more resistance to your efforts to actually save your marriage.
Here is the 3 words to NOT say: “I will change.” Those are the 3 words, promised to stop a divorce.
And those 3 words will either “fall on deaf ears,” or greatly increase the anger and frustration of your spouse.
I share my thoughts on this in the free audio podcast below.
If you don’t listen, at least heed my advice and avoid saying “I will change.” Listen, though, for some better suggestions.
And when you are ready to take action, check out my Save The Marriage System.
But HOW you do it is crucial.
Over the years, I have coached many people to approach their efforts to save their marriage with 3 very clear mandates.
I have come to refer to these as the 3 C’s of saving your marriage.
This is not technique, but how you apply any technique. This is not method, but how you apply any method you choose.
Violate any of the 3 C’s, and you will find it difficult to move forward.
What are the 3 C’s?
To learn more on how to master these 3 C’s (especially on how to approach your efforts calmly, when you are feeling fearful and anxious), listen to the audio podcast.