Thanksgiving: Gratitude and Your Marriage

Happy Thanksgiving!Here in the States, we are in the midst of the week of Thanksgiving. In fact, as this podcast comes out, it will be Thanksgiving.  If you are celebrating, I hope you are with the ones you love.  But whether you are or not, I hope you are inhaling gratitude and exhaling thanks.

The more research we do on gratitude and appreciation, the more we see how crucial it is for mental and relational well-being.

Since I am with my family, remembering all for which I am grateful, I wanted to share a Thanksgiving message, an encore presentation.

Many people fail to see where that place of thankfulness and gratitude may just transform your marriage.  So, I share that with you today.

Oh, and I promise, thankfulness and gratitude WILL transform your life!

Happy Thanksgiving, wherever you are!

By |November 25th, 2015|Save Your Marriage Podcast|0 Comments

There Is No PAUSE Button For A Marriage

There is no Pause button in a marriage.Too many people think they hit “Pause” on their marriage.  They are waiting for something to happen, and then it will be time for their marriage.  Maybe it is when the kids hit a certain age (or leave the house), when a career gets to some certain point, when goals are achieved, etc., etc., etc.

There is only one problem:  there is NO PAUSE for a marriage!

Marriages, and all relationships, are either growing or declining, proceeding or receding.

There is no pause.

The lifeblood of any marriage is connection.  When people think they hit the pause button, usually, the connection is also paused.  And when connection is paused, the circulation system of the relationship is choked.  The relationship begins to suffocate.  Soon, frustration builds.  Disconnection accelerates.

And that is when I have clients tell me, “I thought we were OK.  I knew we were a little disconnected, but I thought it was just a life stage.  I thought we would come back to the relationship when. . . .”  And they discover a spouse who is feeling done.

There is no pause in a relationship.

Don’t Chase
Have A Plan
Build The Connection
Think WE
Speak The Love Language
Grab The System

By |November 18th, 2015|Save Your Marriage Podcast|0 Comments

4 Mind Modes Killing Your Relationship

Break free from the 4 destructive mind modes of flight, fight, spite, and right. Go for the modes of sight and unite.What is a “mind mode”?  This is what happens when your brain is caught in a state.  Sometimes, it is held hostage to a reactive state.  Other times, you get to choose a shift.

The dangerous modes are all reactive, based in fear, threat, and the desire to win (or at least be right).  Then there are 2 other modes that you can choose to adopt.

On automatic, in the midst of a relationship crisis, the 4 dangerous modes grab you and call the shots.  When you take your mind off automatic, you get to call the shots.

Here are the 4 destructive modes:

  1. Flight
  2. Fight
  3. Right
  4. Spite

Which mode grips you?  The dangerous (and destructive) modes or the constructive modes?

What’s Your Why?
What’s Your Plan?
Show Up
Shift Your Mode

By |November 11th, 2015|Save Your Marriage Podcast|0 Comments

3 Relationship Killers (and 3 Nurturers)

3 Relationship Killers.It may not be on purpose.  But many couples commit relationship murder.  They kill their relationship by accident.

So far, I have NEVER had someone tell me they intentionally set out to slay the marriage.  But the result is the same.  Voluntary or involuntary, the killing of the relationship is the same.

Let me just warn you that these relationship killers sneak in.  And that is why they are so dangerous.  You may not even see them coming.  And you may not see the results. . . until later.

The good news:  there are also some things that nurture a relationship.  (It isn’t ALL bad news!)

Let me share the nurturer’s too!

First, we want to be clear about what to avoid.  But next, we want to be clear on what to pursue.  How to nurture the relationship.

What killers and nurturers did I miss?  Let me know in the comments area below.


By |November 4th, 2015|Save Your Marriage Podcast|3 Comments

Beware The Marriage Monsters! (Halloween Special Edition)

Beware the monster marriage!When I was 10 or 11 years old, my father took us to my first haunted house.  It was right near our church, and was run by a community group that was fundraising.  My father thought it would be good, clean fun. A few little scares, but nothing else.

The building was old, and scary by itself.  And I should have known when the “ghoul” of a guide jumped out and scared us.  But I innocently followed our guide into that building.

Never since have I been so terrified!  They were not there for us to have a good time.  The volunteers were out to scare us as much as possible!  And it worked.  I was terrified.

Every Halloween, I think back to how scary those monsters were.  All I wanted was to get out of that building.  And I had no idea how.  So, all I could do was keep moving forward, facing one “monster” after another.

Too many times, I see marriages that have become monsters.  They are scary.  They are destructive.  And many times, the people just want out.

But as every old horror movie will show you, every monster has a weakness.  Every monster can be defeated.  IF you know what that monster is about, and you know the monster’s weaknesses.

In honor of the season it is, I wanted to tell you about 5 Marriage Monsters, how they behave, and how to defeat them.

Are You in a Zombie Marriage?Marriage Monster #1:  The Zombie Marriage

In a zombie marriage, the spouses just pass each other, no life in their eyes, barely grunting at each other.  There is no life in the relationship.  They just drudge through the days, their relationship among the “living dead.”

Neither takes action to hurt the other.  But if either one tries to bring life into their relationship, the other sucks those brains right out!

If you could get deeply enough in, neither one wants to be infected by the zombie virus.  But neither does anything to truly change it.

Is it a Frankenstein marriage?Marriage Monster #2:  The Frankenstein Marriage

A Frankenstein Marriage is build innocently.  They had the best of intentions to create new life in the marriage.  But they didn’t know what they were doing.  So, the couple patches a little from here and a little from there.  They do things just like some people, and refuse to do it like other relationships they have seen.

Since they never really knew what they were creating, they never quite get the “soul” into it.  And so, it just wanders the meadows with no clear direction, wreaking havoc with anyone in its path.  The marriage doesn’t even know what is wrong.  Just that something isn’t right.

Is it a Mummy Marriage?Marriage Monster #3:  The Mummy Marriage

Sometimes, people just can’t quite let go of the past.  They just want to dig up the old stuff.  So, off they go on an archeology dig, unearthing old stuff — and releasing mummies along the way.

Those mummies do hurtful things.  They rage over injustices from the past.  They try to live in the present.  And as long as people keep giving them power, they grow stronger.

It seems that people forget that those mummies are just dust on the inside.  One tug on the wrapping, and everything falls apart.  The curse only happens, though, when those dead mummies are unearthed.  Had they only been left alone. . . .

Is it a vampire marriage?Marriage Monster #4:  The Vampire Marriage

Vampires suck their victims of life, then move on.  Usually, they charm their way in, but are only there to get what they want.  Every move is an attempt to position themselves to gain their life-sustaining need, but in the process, sucking the victim dry.

Whenever I hear this phrase from a couple:  “me, me, me,” I know they are suffering from a vampire marriage that will suck them dry.  Marriages are about expressing love, not constantly trying to extract love.

In vampire marriages, people keep score, but only in their own ledger that is constantly weighted in their favor.  They only see what they put in, and what the other person puts in is invisible.  If they were to only look in the mirror, they would see there is no reflection.  They are out for what they can get, but don’t know it yet.

Is it a werewolf marriage?Marriage Monster #5:  The Werewolf Marriage

Many marriages suffer from this monster.  By day, all looks fine.  The mild-mannered marriage goes along its merry way.  But then, as the moon begins to rise (as something triggers the people), they are transformed into vicious creatures, capable of tearing the throats of each other.  They fight, tooth and nail, to satisfy the burning anger.

But as daylight comes, they return to their mortal senses.  And for the most part, they refuse to notice the damage done.  They act as if nothing is wrong.  Oh, sure, deep down inside, they sense that something is amiss.  But they dare not look too closely.

And in the process, they miss the damage that each episode brings.  Others cower and avoid.  They try to find out what the trigger was.  They try to avoid those nights of destruction.

Slay the marriage monsters!Can These Monsters Be Defeated?

Fortunately, every horror film reveals one important fact:  every monster, no matter how scary or destructive, has a weakness.  Every monster can be defeated.

But only if you know the secret.  Only if you know why the monster is there, what the monster’s weakness is, and only if someone is courageous enough to take the monster on.

Courage and information.  That is all you need to defeat your marriage monster.

Identify the monster that has attacked your marriage.  Then listen to the audio below to understand the weaknesses of each.  Then commit to striking down that Marriage Monster!

Original Zombie Marriage Podcast
Show Up
No Ledger

The System

(Music courtesy of Purple-Planet.com)
By |October 30th, 2015|Save Your Marriage Podcast|0 Comments

Avoid The 3 A’s

What to do (3 C's) and what to avoid (3 A's).You probably know my 3 C’s — Calm, Constant, and Consistent.  That is how you want to carry out your plans to save your marriage.  (Listen to this training, if you aren’t familiar. CLICK HERE )

There is a reason for those 3 C’s:  the 3 A’s that you want to avoid.  Those three things can get you into a very bad spot with your efforts.

Here are the 3 A’s to Avoid:

  1. Anxious
  2. Arbitrary
  3. Ambiguous

Don’t let those 3 simple words get you into trouble.  The 3 C’s will steer you clear and keep you on-course — but only if you avoid the antecedents to the C’s — the 3 A’s To Avoid.

Listen for an understanding of what those 3 A’s mean, and why it is so important to avoid them.

3 C’s of Saving Your Marriage
3 Things To NOT Say

The Save The Marriage System


By |October 28th, 2015|Save Your Marriage Podcast|0 Comments

Give Up On Your Expectations

Give up on expectations.  But make some agreements.Do you have expectations of your spouse?  Does your spouse have expectations of you?

How’s that working out?

If you are like most couples, those expectations fail.  Expectations aren’t met.  Resentments grow.  Disconnection creeps in.

Pretty soon, you both feel frustrated and angry.

Sound familiar?

There is a simple reason for this:  Expectations never work.  If you do what is expected, then you have only gotten to zero.  Not above the line.  Just to the line.

If you don’t meet the expectation, there is failure and disappointment.

Oh, and I forgot to tell you:  expectations are just the way you believe other people should act.  Which is far different than how people do act.

In marriage, the expectations can be about most anything:  chores, parenting, money, intimacy, friends, hobbies, and any other area you can think of.

Some are spoken.  Many are unspoken.  And most end in failure.

Which raises the question:  what do you do?

Give up on expectations (but not the marriage).

Listen to the podcast below and discover what I mean, and how to re-orient yourself — not just in marriage, but in life.


By |October 21st, 2015|Save Your Marriage Podcast|1 Comment

Myth-Busting — Learn The Truth

Busting myths about marriage, marital therapy, saving your marriage, and divorce.

So many myths.  So much mis-information.  It can keep you stuck.

To help with that, I have been busting those myths for you.

If you missed any of the Myth Reports, here they are, all in one place.

Top Ten Myths Of Marriage

Top Ten Myths About Marital Therapy

Top Ten Myths About Saving Your Marriage

Top Ten Myths About Divorce

How To Save Your Marriage


By |October 9th, 2015|Uncategorized|0 Comments

Top 10 Myths About Divorce

Top 10 myths about divorce.“For every piece of information,” the writer told me, “about how divorce hurts a child, I can show you research that it doesn’t harm a child.”

Admittedly, the writer was a bit biased.  He was wanting to divorce his wife.

I knew he wasn’t listening to me, but I also know he is completely wrong.  There is NO research that shows a child is unaffected by divorce.

But there is a preponderance of evidence that divorce does, indeed, affect a child.  Does it destroy a child?  No.  But it does affect a child.

In a culture that would rather look the other way and not look at the damage of divorce, this has been a growing myth about divorce.  It defies logic (divorce does, after all, change what a child has known as family and safety), and it defies research.  The little “research” from the ’80’s that proclaimed children are unaffected, has been completely undone.

There are other myths, like being friends after the divorce, or the belief that divorce will “set you free,” or that people recover quickly.  And these myths mean that many people jump into a divorce, looking for a “clean slate,” only to find that reality is quite different.

What are these myths?  Let me give you my top 10 myths of divorce.  Listen below.



By |October 7th, 2015|Save Your Marriage Podcast|0 Comments

Top 10 Myths of Saving Your Marriage

Top 10 Myths of Saving Your Marriage.Let’s just start with a question I hear all the time:  “My spouse doesn’t want to work on the marriage.  So, there is nothing I can do, right?”


This is one of the top myths about saving your marriage.

I work with many people who are trying to save their marriage with a spouse who is not willing to work on the relationship.

But there are other myths.  For example, many people believe they need to “just talk it out,” or take a big trip, buy a house, have a child. . . .  And yet, none of these work.  All myths of saving your marriage.

Or how about the number of people looking for some hint, trick, or tip that will do it.  People want that simple little “mind trick” (some Jedi, ninja, CIA, reverse-psychology, NLP “thingy”) that will turn things around.  Myth.

But that doesn’t mean that you can’t save your marriage!  Just that you don’t want to get “suckered” by one of the myths.

Want to know the Top 10 Myths of Saving Your Marriage?  Listen below.

Want to know how to truly save your marriage?  CLICK HERE

Top 10 Myths of Marriage
Top 10 Myths of Marital Therapy


By |September 30th, 2015|Save Your Marriage Podcast|0 Comments