Myth-Busting — Learn The Truth

Busting myths about marriage, marital therapy, saving your marriage, and divorce.

So many myths.  So much mis-information.  It can keep you stuck.

To help with that, I have been busting those myths for you.

If you missed any of the Myth Reports, here they are, all in one place.

Top Ten Myths Of Marriage

Top Ten Myths About Marital Therapy

Top Ten Myths About Saving Your Marriage

Top Ten Myths About Divorce

How To Save Your Marriage


By |October 9th, 2015|Uncategorized|0 Comments

Top 10 Myths About Divorce

Top 10 myths about divorce.“For every piece of information,” the writer told me, “about how divorce hurts a child, I can show you research that it doesn’t harm a child.”

Admittedly, the writer was a bit biased.  He was wanting to divorce his wife.

I knew he wasn’t listening to me, but I also know he is completely wrong.  There is NO research that shows a child is unaffected by divorce.

But there is a preponderance of evidence that divorce does, indeed, affect a child.  Does it destroy a child?  No.  But it does affect a child.

In a culture that would rather look the other way and not look at the damage of divorce, this has been a growing myth about divorce.  It defies logic (divorce does, after all, change what a child has known as family and safety), and it defies research.  The little “research” from the ’80’s that proclaimed children are unaffected, has been completely undone.

There are other myths, like being friends after the divorce, or the belief that divorce will “set you free,” or that people recover quickly.  And these myths mean that many people jump into a divorce, looking for a “clean slate,” only to find that reality is quite different.

What are these myths?  Let me give you my top 10 myths of divorce.  Listen below.



By |October 7th, 2015|Save Your Marriage Podcast|0 Comments

Top 10 Myths of Saving Your Marriage

Top 10 Myths of Saving Your Marriage.Let’s just start with a question I hear all the time:  “My spouse doesn’t want to work on the marriage.  So, there is nothing I can do, right?”


This is one of the top myths about saving your marriage.

I work with many people who are trying to save their marriage with a spouse who is not willing to work on the relationship.

But there are other myths.  For example, many people believe they need to “just talk it out,” or take a big trip, buy a house, have a child. . . .  And yet, none of these work.  All myths of saving your marriage.

Or how about the number of people looking for some hint, trick, or tip that will do it.  People want that simple little “mind trick” (some Jedi, ninja, CIA, reverse-psychology, NLP “thingy”) that will turn things around.  Myth.

But that doesn’t mean that you can’t save your marriage!  Just that you don’t want to get “suckered” by one of the myths.

Want to know the Top 10 Myths of Saving Your Marriage?  Listen below.

Want to know how to truly save your marriage?  CLICK HERE

Top 10 Myths of Marriage
Top 10 Myths of Marital Therapy


By |September 30th, 2015|Save Your Marriage Podcast|0 Comments

Top 10 Myths of Marital Therapy

Top 10 myths of marital therapy.“If I could just get her to go to marriage therapy with me,” he told me, “I know we could turn this around.”

Statistically speaking, this is likely NOT the case.  Just one myth about marital therapy.

In fact, the statistics are pretty consistent:  marital therapy is, more often than not, unhelpful.

Also, did you know that your marriage therapist may not have any special training in marital therapy?  The therapist may be well trained as a therapist, but not necessarily as a marriage therapist.  Does that matter?  YES.  Another myth, though, about marital therapy.

Can I share my other myths with you?  Like why dragging a spouse into therapy is likely NOT helpful, and more than likely counter-productive.  And no, the therapist does not have a secret formula to change your spouse’s mind.

This week, I share my top 10 myths about marital therapy.  What about you?  What is your experience of therapy like?


By |September 23rd, 2015|Save Your Marriage Podcast|0 Comments

Top 10 Myths of Marriage

The top 10 myths of marriage.What do YOU believe about marriage?  Is it a myth?  Can it get you into trouble?

Have you ever heard the myth that you marry your “soul mate”?  Well, that myth can cause some pretty big problems.

How about the idea that you should never go to bed angry?  You will end up tired and frustrated.  And yet another myth that can get you into trouble.

Or how about the belief that if there is no passion right now, the marriage is doomed?  Myth.  And one that causes lots of problems.

In this week’s podcast, I have gathered my top 10 myths of marriage, and tried to “myth-bust” them.

Join me for the top 10 myths, and then let me know what other myths you see.

[Ready to learn the truth about marriage?  Learn what marriage can be HERE.]


By |September 16th, 2015|Save Your Marriage Podcast|0 Comments

Is It Time To Throw In The Towel?

Is it time for me to throw in the towel?  Probably not.I get asked that question all the time:  “Is it time for me to throw in the towel?”

Almost always, it is NOT time to throw in the towel — unless, of course, you decide to.

That term, “throw in the towel,” comes from boxing.  The boxer (or his corner guy) could throw a towel into the ring and admit defeat.

First, please remember that your spouse is not your sparring partner or opponent.  Your spouse’s belief that the marriage can’t go on, that is your opponent.

Second, realize that in the “full contact” of saving a marriage, you can feel hurt and frustrated.  You can feel that you have hit a wall.  But that isn’t the reasons you should throw in the towel (unless, of course, you choose to do so).

Winston Churchill famously said, “Never, never, never, never give up.” (Actually, he said, “Never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.”)

There are times, though, when you do need to walk away, give up, throw in the towel.  In this podcast, I give you the times to do that, as well as the times you may choose to NOT throw in the towel.

Listen below.

Save The Marriage System
Coaching Resources


By |September 14th, 2015|Save Your Marriage Podcast|0 Comments

Why The “No Contact Rule” Is Crap

The "No Contact Rule" won't work to save your relationship.  Here's why.Let me start by being clear, the “no contact rule” has nothing to do with the legal “no contact order.”

If you are not familiar with the “no contact rule,” it is a technique that is floating around the internet.  Before I tell you what it is, please promise you won’t use it.  Okay?

Here is the rule:  if your partner leaves, have zero contact with them for 30 days.  During that time, so the theory goes, the person will become curious, even obsessed with you.  The person will literally be driven crazy and come begging back to you.

Except it doesn’t work.  Or more precisely, it rarely works.  Sometimes, the person comes back — but I have a feeling it had nothing to do with the “no contact rule.”  In fact, I checked a couple of times, and my suspicions were correct.

Why does this rule, then, keep getting passed around?  Well, we all want a little trick, a little technique, that will solve a problem.  But rarely do tricks really work.  And it does give a little relief, because you stop focusing on the other person (but you can do that without the “no contact rule.”)

And yes, there are some therapists who suggest this rule.  Most have read the same articles floating around — or more likely, they are individual therapists who are helping you move on.

I have been asked, “But doesn’t ‘absence make the heart grow fonder?'”


Absence only makes a fond heart grow fonder.  It does not have the same effect on the hurt, angry, or distant heart.

All the “no contact rule” does is prove the point to the other person — you don’t care enough to even try, and the decision was correct.

As one person told me, “I started the ‘no contact rule’ when he left.  It was supposed to be 30 days.  I am now 6 months in, and he has not contacted me.  He sent me one text when I reached out after a month, ‘Why now???’  That was it.  He has moved on.”

Don’t get sucked into the “no contact rule.”  It is crap.

Listen to this week’s podcast for more reasons why people suggest it and why it is so dangerous.

NOTE:  If you are ready to try a “no tricks” way to restore your relationship, GRAB my Save The Marriage System HERE.

By |September 9th, 2015|Save Your Marriage Podcast|3 Comments

3 Reasons Why Your Spouse Is Dishonest

3 reasons why your spouse is dishonest.Why the lies?  Why the deception?  Why the dishonesty?

There are some root reasons why your spouse is being dishonest with you.

For whatever you want to believe about “character flaw” and “no morals,” that is not likely to be the real issue.

Sure, there are some “pathological liars.”  And there are psycho/sociopaths out there.  But that is not likely to be your spouse.  (Possible, just statistically unlikely.)

So, let’s be honest — everyone is a little dishonest.  We all choose not to say everything that crosses our minds (thank goodness!).

And we all hedge when asked about that new hairstyle, that new dress, the new furniture, etc.  That is how we keep friends and keep from hurting feelings.

But what about those bigger “dishonesties”?  Why does your spouse tell you a lie or choose not to tell you the truth?

I discuss 3 big reasons why there may be dishonesty in your relationship.  It may change how you respond.


By |September 2nd, 2015|Save Your Marriage Podcast|0 Comments

Lessons From Over 1/4 Century Married — Anniversary Message

Lessons from my marriage.  27 years and counting.My wife and I quietly celebrated 27 years of marriage together last week.

In some ways, it seems like that day was just a short while ago.  In other ways, it seems like we have been married forever (and I mean that in a good way).

We stood, side-by-side, in the heat of a summer day, promising to love and cherish each other.  I think we have done a pretty darn good job.

I will never do it perfectly.  But I keep working on perfecting it.

It occurred to me that I have learned some lessons along the way.  I wanted to share those lessons with you.  Partly, I share to remind myself of our journey.  And partly, I share in the hopes it is helpful.

Let me know what you think!


By |August 26th, 2015|Save Your Marriage Podcast|0 Comments

The Interview You Probably WON’T See!

The interview of me you probably won't read or see.I wrote an article last week, noting my reaction to the Ashley Madison debacle.  It has continued to unfold.  At least two suicides are suspected to be linked to the release of private details.  The company emails are now floating around.  Political and media names are beginning to emerge as members of a website devoted to facilitating secretive cheating.

A reporter contacted me, and I recorded the conversation.  Glad I did!  By the end, I was seeing that this reporter wanted a quote, and not one the reporter got.  From past experience, that often means I will be misquoted — or at least quoted without context.  So, if I am quoted, here is the transcript:

Reporter:  Thank you for speaking with me!  I am betting it has been busy for you since the news broke over Ashley Madison.

Lee B.:  It did trigger a few emails and phone calls.  But to be honest, marriage problems are more than just a result of a database being released.  We stay pretty busy helping couples in trouble.

Reporter:  So, you haven’t seen any shift?

Lee B.:  Oh, we have seen more traffic and interest.  But I think right now, many people are trying to figure out what to do.  People with accounts are trying to decide what to to.  Come clean or keep hiding?  Spouses who have found their spouse had an account are trying to figure out what it means.

Reporter:  Well, it seems pretty clear-cut, doesn’t it?  The spouse was cheating.

Lee B.:  No.  I don’t think it is nearly that clear-cut.  In fact, I think there is a great more nuance to what is going on than the media is noting.

Reporter:  How so?

Lee B.:  Let’s just go with statistics.  Of the registered accounts released, which was approximately 36 million, from what I am hearing, 28 million were men.  Only a small fraction of those men were looking for other men.  So, most were looking for a woman.  There were only what, 6 to 8 million women?  And some people believe that many of the female accounts were faked.  Some believe that the company behind Ashley Madison made fake accounts, so they could lure men in.  Kind of like “ladies night” at the bar.  The owners put out bait.  Otherwise, the men don’t come — and don’t pay.

But let’s suppose those 6 to 8 million women were real.  Either they were very busy, or lots of men did not find a match.  Just numbers.

Reporter:  OK, but those men were looking.

Lee B.:  Even that is a bit more nuanced.  I think some men probably created accounts because of their fantasies.  They never really intended on action.  They were playing out a fantasy.

Reporter:  So you are OK with that?

Lee B.:  No.  It certainly indicates an issue, in the relationship and in society.  But it was not so clear as saying someone cheated.  Either by lack of opportunity or lack of desire, they did not actually use Ashley Madison to cheat.

Reporter:  It sounds like you are OK with Ashley Madison.  That you are letting them off the hook.

Lee B.:  Absolutely not.  The first time I read about Ashley Madison, I was on a flight to a conference.  It made me sick.  I actually got physically nauseous.  I could not believe a company would form around cheating.  And I read their tagline, “Life is short.  Have an affair.”

I had to apologize to the passenger beside me, as I thought and unfortunately said, “That is a pile of crap!”

But let’s be clear:  Ashley Madison did not invent cheating.  They just figured out how to profit, and profit well, by taking advantage of it.

Reporter:  So, you don’t think they contribute to cheating?

Lee B.:  I don’t think this data breach is going to change this.  It is like the Hydra from mythology.  Hercules took it on.  But every time he cut off one of the 9 heads, 2 came back.  Ashley Madison may be done.  But someone will replace them, only with the promise of super security.  Probably, it will be the same people behind Ashley Madison.

The issue is not the company.  It is the fact that some people are willing to live duplicitous lives.  They hold onto a marriage, and want to cheat on it.

Look, this data breach was illegal.  There are many people who will say, “I am glad they did it.  Now I know.”  And there will be a spike in divorces.  There will also be a spike in couples who decide to finally take a look at their relationship and make it real — address the issues and move forward.

I will admit I got a little bit of guilty pleasure when I first heard of the breach.  But this was still an illegal action.  It was an assault on the company.  It was also an assault on people.  What if the next breach is Sex Addicts Anonymous?  Names are released of people who are getting help — but still, their names are released.  Then, the next is for some other company.  The fact is, the breach was just illegal.  It will not stop the companies who will spring up and serve those who want to cheat.

Reporter:  I actually thought you would be happy to see this happen. . .

Lee B.:  I am happy when couples stay together, not because someone is cheating — or wanting to cheat — but because they decide to work on their marriage.  I am happy when people face their issues.  I am happy when people find a fulfilling and loving relationship.

I am bemused that this happened, and people are jumping on.  There is the company.  I despise the company.  There is the data breach.  I believe that was illegal.  There are the people now left out to clean up the pieces.  But I hear from people, every day, that discovered their marriage was not what they thought it was.  That happens, with or without this data breach.  As I said in the article you noted, the truth usually does come out.

Reporter:  You said you despised the company.  But you seem to be protecting them.

Lee B.:  There is nothing I can do to protect or harm them.  What I despise is that this company has one sole mission:   help people cheat, in secret, on a spouse.  That is all they do.  They create a way for people to contact other people, with the clear intention of cheating.  That is an immoral mission, in my opinion.

Reporter:  But what about Facebook?  People cheat on Facebook.  Or Snapchat.  People message their lovers on Snapchat?  There are others. . .

Lee B.:  There is a difference.  Facebook has let me keep up with friends from high school and college.  It lets me connect with others with similar interest.  Snapchat allows people to send silly messages.  I use it with my kids, just to snap a picture and add a caption.  In other words, they have other purposes and missions.  Not Ashley Madison.

Oh, and it is also a very hypocritical company.

Reporter:  How so?

Lee B.:  The husband and wife who run it at least claim to be monogamous.  In fact, in interviews, the wife admitted she would be devastated to learn her husband had cheated.  And yet, they run a company that creates that potential.  They say they were only exploiting an opportunity.  I think the exploitation is correct.  But there are plenty of opportunities out there.  Why choose one you would not want in your own life?

I have a friend that runs a fitness company.  Know why?  He is passionate about people being fit.  He believes in helping people to maximize their physical capacities.  He believes in what he does.  Yes, he makes lots of money.  But he is also doing what he believes in.  He is not at all hypocritical.

But here is a company that founded itself on making money being destructive.  They claim not to believe in it for themselves, but are glad to collect fees.  And according to most estimates, that amounted to over $100 million per year.  Quite a revenue for something you would not want in your own home.

Reporter:  OK.  So, what about the people involved?

Lee B.:  The people in the database?  Time to come clean.  Time to say, “I had an account.”  Then come clean on why.  Was it fantasy?  Time to talk about it.  Was it to cheat?  Time to talk about it.  Was it because someone was miserable?  Time to talk about it.  Issues can be solved, but not while they are hiding in the dark.

Reporter:  But maybe this is just an indicator that humans aren’t meant for monogamy.

Lee B.:  That’s crap.  I have heard that said.  But it seems to be for justification purposes.  Look, if you really believe that, fine.  But at least have the decency to let your spouse in on this little secret.  It isn’t fair to NOT be monogamous AND hide it from a spouse.

I feel the same about all the people who have written the “I had an affair and it saved my marriage.”  Justification.  They didn’t sit their spouse down and say, “this isn’t going the way I want it to.  Let’s figure this out.”  That is just the decent thing to do with a spouse.  At least be honest and say, “I am not happy here.”  And don’t wait until you are ready to take some action that jeopardizes everything.

Reporter:  So, if this isn’t just “in our genes,” what does cause the infidelity?

Lee B.:  I think there are clearly 2 pieces in play.  First, there is not enough connection between the couple.  They are not as connected as they need to be, so there is a yearning and a distance between them.  And second, there are not enough boundaries.  Boundaries are what protect the marriage.  They are the things you do to keep a marriage safe.  Maybe it is not having dinner with someone of the opposite sex, alone.  Or maybe it is making sure messaging is about a specific topic, not about emotional issues.  Or maybe it is about how you share your social media, phone, email, and other hiding places.

In the end, it is a commitment to stay connected and to protect the marriage.  Every marriage has times of disconnection.  So, you need the boundaries to keep it safe during those times.  Then, you work on the connection.

Reporter:  So what happens next?

Lee B.:  To the company?  I would be happy to see them end.  But something else will fill the space.  To the people exposed?  I hope they find a way to face this, to see the damage done, and to work to repair the damage.

Reporter:  Thank you for your time.

Lee B.:  Thank you.

NOTE:  If infidelity, including from Ashley Madison, has affected your marriage, here are some free resources to help you recover.

By |August 24th, 2015|Save Your Marriage Podcast|0 Comments