The World Is Tough On Marriage!
It is tough to watch the news and NOT see the assault on marriage. And no, this has nothing to do with same-sex marriage. I am talking about the cultural ethos about marriage. Now, in all the years I have been blogging, I have chosen NOT to talk about the scandals of the stars.
But Woods, Edwards, Jolie/Pitt, and many others seem to beg the question: is happy marriage possible? Well, the answer is absolutely! The news is the news because there is footage and people will follow it.
Reports about the “happily married couple continue to love and appreciate each other” just doesn’t titillate the way a good scandal does. The rich and famous sure seem to be willing to serve up the scandal!
What does this really mean? Perhaps that relationships involving the self-involved and narcissistic are tough to maintain.
Recently, I have been teaching a class on raising responsible kids in a narcissistic world, so the question has arisen, “why do these people shoot themselves in the foot?” My answer is because being surrounded by people who say “yes” to every movement, decision, and action creates the situation where reality becomes a more and more distant truth. “Reality” becomes whatever I want to believe, because there is no reality check around me.
Marriages work when two people decide to work as a team, not so much when either one or the other sees him- or herself as superior and above the rules. Marriage works when both people defend their relationship and guard against dangers. One major danger is attraction to other people.
Somewhere along the way, we seem to have forgotten that attraction to others is natural. Sexual attraction is not an aberration, but a natural part of existence. So the task is not to pretend there is no attraction to another person, but to guard against that attraction threatening the marriage!
Because we have forgotten this fact of attraction, we think that the attraction to another person is somehow 1) proof we should be with someone else, and 2) proof that there is something wrong with our marriage. Neither are true, but both beliefs can destroy a marriage.
Saving a marriage often starts by keeping a marriage out of trouble. Watch Tiger Woods and Jonathan Edwards. Now, when the problem is deep, both are doing backflips to save their marriages — but the real issue is stopping the POTENTIAL for problems.
Guard your marriage. Guard your relationship. And remember the humility of realizing that nobody is above the rules. Marriage is about vigilance from outside dangers as much as the connection and love inside the relationship.
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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Thank you for sharing this article, Lee! I love what you said that marriage involves two people who are committed in making the relationship work. Yes, attraction to another person is quite normal, but how do you create intimacy in your marriage? To keep the flame burning, learn how to compliment your partner. Simple gestures or hugs will make him feel appreciated. Sometimes, it’s the small things that count.
I think you have a very good point – marriages work only when there is a reality check for both the partners. There won’t be anyone to guide and each partner will act as the guiding star of the other.
Update since this article was written: In Mar-10, Sandra Bullock ended her Oscar acceptance speech by looking lovingly towards her husband, Jesse James, and stating, “Thank you…I never knew what it was like to have someone have my back,” with tender love. Ten days later, the news of his many adulteries, with tatooed women, hit the media. Men I know said that she must have known about it. Women know that she didn’t. NO ONE sets themselves up for that sort of humiliation. This highlights the difference between the sexes: Those with testosterone-based biochemistries and physiologies are generally more distrustful…plus it takes one to know one. Those with estrogen-based b&ps really do give their hearts (and minds) to their husbands. (Nothing is 100% / 0%, however, the differences in the two genders chromosomes are pretty undeniable.) For this reason, it is very important for husbands to not betray this relationship….and for other women to not believe the philanderer’s embellishments on how “horrible” or “unhappy” his wife is….that he can’t do anything right….that she doesn’t understand him, and his needs aren’t being met…..for by definition, a man who is betraying his wedding vows is a liar. (Women need to be sisters to each other, MUCH, MUCH more than they are now.) I think that more need to comment on the celebrity marriage debacles that our teens and young adults are influenced by. (Advertising in the media exists because it works. Yes, we are influenced by that which is broadcast all over.) Thank you for bringing this up. (Oh – Jesse James did explain that the root of his compulsions was in his childhood. He was physically abused by his father, and his father abused and then divorced his mother. The sins of the father carried down into the next generation in his case, as they do in most divorces. Men must take their responsibilities much more seriously than they have been….and women need to stop enabling them to run away from their responsibilities. I pray for the next generations – that the children growing up now will say no more, and will reject the dysfunctions their parents taught them.) Ms. Bullock divorced Mr. James within 2 or 3 months. I hope that she meets someone her heart equal one day.