Can You REALLY Save A Marriage, Even If Only One Wants To?
I just received a marketing email from yet another “relationship expert.” In it, he stated that it is “crap” that an expert would claim that someone can save a marriage, even if only that person wants to save his or her marriage.
I laughed, but then I was sad. You see, this “expert” exists in the same realm of others that have given up on marriages where one person has “checked out.” More than that, he is convincing others they can’t do anything!
What a shame. . . and what a falsehood!
On a daily basis, I watch people work on their marriage, starting by themselves, and restore their relationships.
So, let me be clear about my beliefs: It is NOT possible to completely restore a marriage by yourself. You CANNOT force someone to stay in a marriage. You can’t, in some “magical” way, create a zombie of a spouse.
HOWEVER, you CAN start the process of restoration by yourself. You CAN work to bring a spouse back into the relationship. In fact, it has happened countless times in EVERY relationship, in smaller ways.
Every relationship has problems. In my own life, there are times when one or the other is upset, and my wife or I approach the other, unilaterally, to restart the relationship. One of us starts acting differently, apologizes, acts lovingly, etc. Then, the other of us steps back into relating.
The question is how one begins acting, unilaterally, when a huge crisis is underway. That is what I have specialized in, how someone can start the process. From there, the other person must, at some point, rejoin the process.
Can someone save a marriage alone? Absolutely! Can someone start that process alone? ABSOLUTELY!
Comments
Comment from jen
Time April 3, 2010 at 2:10 pm
if ure marriage is in trouble try to fix it , dont give up if u love ure wife or youre husband i think u need to pursue youre relationship or to think 100 x before u let it go ….
Comment from jen
Time April 3, 2010 at 2:11 pm
Time is pass but the memoriez are not fade it stick on youre mind and to youre hearth
Comment from brian
Time April 13, 2010 at 12:00 pm
My wife and I have been separated for almost four years now. I have tried almost everything under the Sun to save this marriage, but she doesn’t want to. She says things like “my heart isn’t in it”, “it’s too late”, “we are too different”, “we have changed too much”. Is is time to let it go? I still wear my wedding ring and have told her that I still believe in this marriage.
Comment from sara
Time May 19, 2010 at 2:19 am
How can i save my marriage when his family hates me because of what he told them and he listens to everything they tell him to do? also he thinks i committed adultry which is not true, it was only online chatting and texts, he says this divorce must happen. we are set for the settlement conference in june, PLEASE HELP ME THE END IS NEAR!!!!!!!!
Comment from Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
Time May 19, 2010 at 10:37 am
Sara, chatting and texting with another man in the context you state IS infidelity. It may not have been a physical affair, but it was likely inappropriate, leading to your husband’s hurt. While I would not suggest that this should lead to a divorce, you do need to accept responsibility for your actions and try to discover why you would do that.
Comment from Sara
Time June 15, 2010 at 12:53 am
Dr. Baucom, Im am so glad you replied, I did not think you would, well everything has been delayed till August 11. Actually after that settlement conference we went out for lunch. I know he still loves me because he gets very emotional and I can see it in his eyes but then again he is very hurt, and says it still must happen. I did accept responsibility and he is aware of it very well and knows that I don’t want this especially for our 3 year old, I have tried many things but he is very angry at me and is done. All I could think of doing is to just pray because there is nothing that I could do alone to save our marriage. Thank You and May God bless you
Comment from Victor Cruz
Time June 17, 2010 at 4:38 am
Can i save my marrige we have been seperated for about 15 months . i dont know what to do . i think every thing i do does work or makes it worse . I think we are only married on paper , you think you can help i.e your online books course . Help please I am desperate .
Comment from Sven
Time July 6, 2010 at 9:23 pm
We have been married for almost 19 years. We have had a lot of financial issues. (Things have been getting better over the last few months financially)We live in a big house; have all the little things, but my wife had always been stressed about the bills and finances. I am in sales, I am always a very positive about fiancés and sometimes look at things to positive, while my wife is the exact opposite and is more pessimistic. Things have not always come through on time financial and this is were I believed I have lost her, not confidence for the long run. She believes that she will be much better off financial and emotionally by being on her own wit our two children (daughters 8 and 16) She said she has been struggle with this decision for a few years, but she says she does not love me anymore. It has been a month since she told me. She said I am a good father, caring, cares about me as a person, etc… She said there is no use in trying, she does not have those feeling and I deserve to have some one that loves me. I still love her very much and think we should put an effort in the save out marriage, she disagrees. She says there is not anybody else and I believe her. I am so frustrated that she won’t try. She is going to 45 in a few months. She has really been paying attention to her appearance and has been exercising and feeling better about herself. She looks great! I want to save our marriage even if I have to start this myself. A lot more details but this a shorter version! Thanks
Comment from phillip
Time March 15, 2010 at 11:00 pm
how does one make a new start to the marriage alone? I’m desperate. it sounds very hard to do, but I’m up for anything.