My Marriage: 22 years, and what I have learned!
You may not recall that on August 13, 1988, it was a Saturday. It was also somewhere between 90 and 150 degrees in the 
mountains of North Carolina. But I still recall melting away in my WOOL tuxedo. . . bathed in sweat, and waiting for my beautiful bride to come down the aisle. People thought it was touching how I was crying throughout the service, as my father who was one of the pastors of the service (my father-in-law the other), handed me his handkerchief. I was using it to mop my face, not my eyes (not that I wasn’t a little tearful, just not buckets!).
My mother-in-law, God love her, had matched the bridesmaids’ dresses to the stainglassed windows, and by golly, those windows were going to stay closed! Well, they did, and we did survive the service.
I still smile about that. But 22 years later, Kathy and I are still married. Not just married, but happily married.
Many people wonder about me, writing and teaching on marriage. They wonder whether I do what I say (I try), and whether my marriage is healthy. Sometimes, people imagine I must be the perfect spouse (FAR from it!), because I “know so much about marriage.” Just remember that knowing about marriage and knowing about your own marriage is not always a perfect match.
However, I believe we have a very strong and good marriage. Not because we do it perfectly, but because we keep on trying! And that is part of what I have learned in these last 22 years. I am learning as I go. Sometimes I learn fast, and sometimes I learn slow. But my commitment is to keep moving forward. That is what makes the difference: we are committed to working through and staying together.
Do we have disagreements? Absolutely! Every marriage has its struggles. The difference between marriages that make it and those who don’t is NOT the absence of struggle. It is the commitment to struggle together, to stay together.
Which leads to another opportunity for growth: In these 22 years, I have discovered the great gift of forgiveness. Living so close together, the only way a marriage can survive is if both people decide to forgive, over and over, for slights that are accidental and sometimes even on purpose.
One day, I truly realized that not forgiving was doing ME the damage, not the other person. Sure, it was hurting the relationship, but it was ME doing it. What I really needed to do was to let it go, stop dragging it around, and decide to move back into relationship. Thank God my wife is naturally forgiving and gave me something to see. And given my propensity for hard-headedness, I gave plenty of opportunities for Kathy to demonstrate it.
I often hear people say “I just don’t have that loving feeling anymore.” Thank you, Hollywood, for selling us the story of falling madly in love, and always feeling passionate! That isn’t reality, but it is our measuring stick. We assume that not having those feelings means the relationship is in trouble.
Problem is, there are times that I forget what I have. Sometimes, I get busy, distracted. I take for granted my loving, lovely wife. I stop looking at her with those loving eyes. But then, I pause for a moment and look into those eyes, or I see her do something selfless and loving, and I fall in love all over again.
In the meantime, I keep acting loving. I learned that, too! Love is a verb, not a feeling. The feeling follows on the heels of acting loving. And the feeling returns, when you stay committed to being in the game. Two people acting in loving ways toward each other is unstoppable!
I believe, both from my practice and my experience, that the same two people can either drive each other crazy or be crazy about each other. And the choice, known or not, is theirs.
No marriage is perfect, because there are no perfect people. But the task is to keep perfecting, keep trying, keep playing, and keep the commitment.
Thank you, Kathy, for being my partner, friend, confidante, and love for these past 22 years!
I’m a believer in the fact that if you’ve found your one true love, all is possible. My love and I have been mostly happily ever after for 27 yrs. on our way to forever and we’re learning every day!
June 2011, my husband had our 35th wedding anniversary. Together for 37 years we still struggle and love and try to work at our relationship. There have been times that were so challenging we thought we would not make it. We had children, a home, jobs and the economy was a major issue for all families back in the early 80′s. Now 20 years later, children are gone, he is retired and our life is not what we thought it would be. For the first time in 35 years we have been alone without children. It is obvious that we used the excuse of raising a family to stay together. We are struggling the hardest we ever had and it is just the two of us. He is retired and I have no work right now because of the economy. We are now together 24/7. There is no time to reflect without interruption. There seems to be no goals to work for. Until this past 12 months we have always had goals to work for, now we have no goals, other than for me to get back to work and it is creating major problems. I was self employed and worked from home. I have always been there to take care of him. He had a stroke 2 years ago and has memory issues. Thank God that is all it was. However he did contract the MRSA staff infection and had 9 outbreaks and is allergic to the meds he needed. He has relied on me to do everything for him, everything. Now he is getting better and he still expects me to be right here and do everything for him. He is upset that if I get work I will be gone. If I go back to self employment I have to concentrate on the business so many hours a day and he wants me to only focus on him and make money too. We lost our home and both are devasted over it and I have had to deal with it. I had a choice to make. To take care of a large piece of land by myself over 50 Yrs old and let my husband just be like a vegtable, or give it up, relocate to Florida where the weather and change of atmosphere and people his age are around him, in order to keep him alive. I don’t expect him to ever forgive me for that so I will have to live with it and take my punishment for it but I am very commited to my marriage. He was married before and when he gets mad he brings her up to me all the time. She abandoned her 2 young boys and I came in and took care of them and raised them. He sometimes tells me she is a better mother that I was. He loved her more than me but she let her mother get in middle of their relationship and that she wanted to be with other men from time to time. I try to forgive him for saying these very harsh and hurtful words to me and I try to hold it in. I can only take so much then I end up blowing up and the arguing begins. I now am focusing on what I can do and keeping the mind set that he will not change anything at all. I have been reading your articles and watching your videos and they are very encouraging to me. Everyone and everything else says…..end it. Divorce him. They don’t understand the love and passion and devotion I have. It is more than that. He is my best friend, my connection you spoke of, my protector and now it is like he is my enemy. I am trying to keep focused on what I can do and also trying to remember the old saying keep your friends close but your enemies closer. It sounds like that is no way to live, but God brought us together and we did say our vows to each other and we have God in our hearts. I feel it is worth the fight to keep committed where many feel it would not be. A strong marriage takes alot of work and sacrifice and the young ones of today are only lasting about 2 to 3 years. They don’t want to work at it. There will be a day when I won’t be able to keep doing all the forgiving and committing and trying. I just pray that he will see what I am doing and know I love him and know I appreciate him and all he has done for me over the years. He has never forgiven me for any mistakes, mostly when I was young and did not know anything about checking accounts and paying bills. He has kept those actions unforgiven for 30 years and does not let go and I see it eating him up. If you have any further suggestions I would appreciate them. Until our vows come to til death do us part I will always be here. If he divorces me then I have to face it. That has been one of my biggest fears but I am no longer focusing on that. Only focusing on simple things to try to show him I care and love him. Thank you for the articles.