Monthly Archives :

October 2016

Marriage is NOT 50/50
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Marriage is NOT 50/50: Immutable Law of MarriageMany marriages are ruined by 2 people, each wanting to put their fair share into it.  “You put in your half, and I put in my half,” seems to be the thought.  Sounds good.  Fair.  Equal.

And destined for disaster.

It makes sense, doesn’t it, to see things that way?  Both people should be putting in their fair share, right?

The problem is it doesn’t take long for one or both to say, “You aren’t putting in your ‘fair share.'”  Which is quickly followed with, “So, neither will I.”

This is a Balance Book Marriage.  And it is destined for problems.

First, we often don’t notice what a spouse is putting in (and tend to exaggerate what we are putting in).  So we are balancing against fiction.

Second, there are times when a spouse doesn’t have it to put in (life distractions, illnesses, etc.).

A better model is “All In.”  Let’s talk about why (as we wrap up the Immutable Laws of Marriage Series).

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do
#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse
#9 You Have To Show Up
#10 Civility and Respect Is A Choice
#11 Trust Is A Gift
#12 Forgiveness Is Not A Blank Check
#13 Boundaries Protect A Marriage

Boundaries Protect A Marriage
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Boundaries protect a marriage:  Immutable Law Of Marriage. First line of an email last week:”I knew we were disconnected, but how did this happen?”

The level of connection in any marriage is likely to wax and wane.  You will feel closer and more distant to your spouse to varying degrees over the lifetime of your marriage.

And no, that does not mean it is a slow d0wnhill slide to disconnection.  There will be times when you just don’t feel it, and times when you can’t believe how connected you feel.

(My guess, if you are listening to this podcast, is that you are on the downswing of connection.  If that is not the case, good for you in being proactive!  But trust me, there will be those moments. . . .)

When the level of disconnection is higher, the relationship is at a higher risk.  The risk may be for affairs or unhealthy distractions.  Unless there are clear boundaries.

Boundaries protect a marriage.  But what’s a boundary?  How do you set them?  Glad you asked.  I discuss those issues in this week’s podcast episode.  Take a listen below.

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do
#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse
#9 You Have To Show Up
#10 Civility and Respect Is A Choice
#11 Trust Is A Gift
#12 Forgiveness Is Not A Blank Check

Forgiveness is NOT a Blank Check
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Forgiveness is NOT a blank check:  Immutable Law of Marriage.Just to be clear, I am ALL FOR forgiveness.  I have talked about on the Save The Marriage Podcast and on my Thriveology Podcast.

And in a marriage, there are ample opportunities to practice forgiving.  “Every-day forgiving” and big-time forgiving.  In such an intimate relationship, you are going to step on toes, hurt each other’s feelings, make bad decisions — and still have to figure out how to move forward.  You do that by forgiving.

BUT (and this is a big BUT, which is why I capitalized it and bolded it) that does not mean the “forgiven” has carte blanche to keep up the behavior that required the forgiving. (By the way, not to chase a tangent, but did you know that carte blanche means “white card” or “blank card,” meaning a check that is blank, but has been signed?  In other words, a “blank check.”)

When someone is forgiven, it is not permission to do “it” (whatever the “it” is that causes the need for forgiveness).  Forgiving is a decision to move forward.  It may or may not include moving forward in relationship.  But it is deciding to move forward in the face of something that happened.

There is a saying that “the first time is a mistake, the second time is a choice.” I would add, “the third time, on, it is a habit.”  Forgiving something is not an open opportunity to repeat the behavior.

Similarly, an apology is not an opportunity to repeat the behavior.  It is an acknowledgement of a mistake and an opportunity for change.

One apologizes AND takes the opportunity to change (I have a podcast on apologizing).  One forgives, SO THAT the hurt and pain can be left behind.

Listen to the podcast below for more.

(. . . and if you need to catch up on the Immutable Laws Of Marriage series, here are the older episodes:)

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do
#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse
#9 You Have To Show Up
#10 Civility and Respect Is A Choice
#11 Trust Is A Gift

Trust Is A Gift: Immutable Law of Marriage
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Trust is a gift:  Immutable Law of MarriageA relationship is built on trust.  A marriage can only thrive when it is built on trust.  But trust is not just earned.  It is given.  Trust is really a gift.

A gift to be treasured, for sure.

Some people refuse to trust — refuse to give that gift.  Others trust too easily, making it a very cheap gift.

Some treasure the gift.  Others squander it.

When trust is lost, you can’t just “earn it back.”  You have to be trustworthy.  But at some point, the other person has to make a choice to give you the gift again.

Do you treasure your gift of trust?  Both giving and receiving?

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do
#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse
#9 You Have To Show Up
#10 Civility and Respect Is A Choice