My grandmother, Ruth, was an amazing person, probably the most optimistic person I have ever met.  Even through tough times, she always managed to see the silver lining.  What a rare commodity in a world of cynicism and deficit.  My grandmother was a woman of abundance.

A devoted wife, mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother, she lived through amazing times.  When my grandfather died over 30 years ago, she continued to consider herself married for the rest of her life.  When she and my grandfather lived through the Great Flood in Louisville, she remembers fondly watching the city come together.  What an attitude!

I vividly recall spending a week each summer with my grandparents, awakening to find my grandmother in a meditative mood, reflecting on the wonders of God’s creation — and I also remember her Sanka breath.  She did love that Sanka, although I have yet to figure out why!

And when I finished my dissertation, my grandmother relished reading it word-for-word.  Soon, I discovered that she also read all of my references, getting access to obscure books through inter-library loan.  I discovered she was still digging when she contacted me for some of the books that the library could not get.

I still believe that she more thoroughly read my dissertation than any of my faculty advisors, and I dare say, more closely than even I!

Part of what I understand about being a thriving human, one who sees marriage and life as devotion and growth, comes from that legacy.  My grandmother was always curious, reading books and asking questions all her life.  And she was devoted.  She loved my grandfather and was a partner with him throughout their lives together.

I will miss my grandmother.  But I know that she lived a rich and full life, one that spanned both depth and time.  Even with 95 years, I don’t think she wasted a minute.

My mother-in-law, God love her, had matched the bridesmaids’ dresses to the stainglassed windows, and by golly, those windows were going to stay closed!  Well, they did, and we did survive the service.

I still smile about that.  But 22 years later, Kathy and I are still married.  Not just married, but happily married.

Many people wonder about me, writing and teaching on marriage.  They wonder whether I do what I say (I try), and whether my marriage is healthy.  Sometimes, people imagine I must be the perfect spouse (FAR from it!), because I “know so much about marriage.”  Just remember that knowing about marriage and knowing about your own marriage is not always a perfect match.

However, I believe we have a very strong and good marriage.  Not because we do it perfectly, but because we keep on trying!  And that is part of what I have learned in these last 22 years.  I am learning as I go.  Sometimes I learn fast, and sometimes I learn slow.  But my commitment is to keep moving forward.  That is what makes the difference:  we are committed to working through and staying together.

Do we have disagreements?  Absolutely!  Every marriage has its struggles.  The difference between marriages that make it and those who don’t is NOT the absence of struggle.  It is the commitment to struggle together, to stay together.

Which leads to another opportunity for growth:  In these 22 years, I have discovered the great gift of forgiveness.  Living so close together, the only way a marriage can survive is if both people decide to forgive, over and over, for slights that are accidental and sometimes even on purpose.

One day, I truly realized that not forgiving was doing ME the damage, not the other person.  Sure, it was hurting the relationship, but it was ME doing it.  What I really needed to do was to let it go, stop dragging it around, and decide to move back into relationship.  Thank God my wife is naturally forgiving and gave me something to see.  And given my propensity for hard-headedness, I gave plenty of opportunities for Kathy to demonstrate it.

I often hear people say “I just don’t have that loving feeling anymore.”  Thank you, Hollywood, for selling us the story of falling madly in love, and always feeling passionate!  That isn’t reality, but it is our measuring stick.  We assume that not having those feelings means the relationship is in trouble.

Problem is, there are times that I forget what I have.  Sometimes, I get busy, distracted.  I take for granted my loving, lovely wife.  I stop looking at her with those loving eyes.  But then, I pause for a moment and look into those eyes, or I see her do something selfless and loving, and I fall in love all over again.

In the meantime, I keep acting loving.  I learned that, too!  Love is a verb, not a feeling.  The feeling follows on the heels of acting loving.  And the feeling returns, when you stay committed to being in the game.  Two people acting in loving ways toward each other is unstoppable!

I believe, both from my practice and my experience, that the same two people can either drive each other crazy or be crazy about each other.  And the choice, known or not, is theirs.

No marriage is perfect, because there are no perfect people.  But the task is to keep perfecting, keep trying, keep playing, and keep the commitment.

Thank you, Kathy, for being my partner, friend, confidante, and love for these past 22 years!

Here is what I mean:  a solid marriage is created by two people.  However, one person can choose to end it for any number of reasons.  Sometimes, the reason is good.  For example, someone may choose to leave an abusive relationship.  Or someone may decide that being married to an addicted person is hurting them too much to stay.

But many times, people end marriages for the wrong reasons:  they feel unloved or unaccepted, they think somewhere else or someone else is better, or they think that they have lost love.

These are all issues that can be addressed and solved, and once it is solved, the marriage can even be stronger!

But many people are unaware of another solution.  And sometimes, people want to take the “easy way out.”  I put that in quotes because in the end, divorce is no easy way out.  It just pretends to be.

Marriage takes effort.  Marriage takes knowledge.  Marriage takes two people willing to let down their defenses, and to join together as a team.

Can every marriage be saved?  No.  But can YOUR marriage be saved?  You won’t know until you give it a try.  Learn what you need to in order to save your marriage here.

Here’s the thing:  for years, I have been a trail runner.  I love being in the woods, seeing the changing seasons, and running with my Yellow Lab, Sunny.  We have  a blast!

But then, winter hit.  It was cold, but worse, it was wet — very wet!  And it never stayed cold enough to freeze the ground.  And it seemed that on every running day, it rained.  Well, as much as I love running, I am not so fond of bathing my 110 pound dog. . . and he is not so fond of being bathed!

End result?  I kept putting off another run. . . until suddenly a few months had passed and I had not hit the trails.  The end result for me?  I got out of shape.

So, fast-forward to last week.  I decided enough was enough, and I started exercising again.  I got a plan, and I started on it.  I knew there would be a price. . . pain and discomfort.  Sure enough, the next morning after day one, I was a bit sore.  By that night, I hurt! 

But guess what I did on day 2?  I exercised.  Day 3?  New muscle pain.  I exercised.  Day 4, I had to get up an hour earlier to get in my exercise, but I did.  Same thing on day 5, 6, and 7.  In fact, that is my intention.  To get up an hour earlier, if necessary, and get in my exercise time.

I have to admit — when the alarm goes off, I have to argue with myself.  The bed is warm, the house is quiet, and I could easily grab another hour of sleep. . . but I don’t.  Because I made a commitment to myself, and I intend on keeping it.  As my wife reminds me, “consult your plan, not your feelings.”

So. . . what, you might wonder, does this have to do with your marriage (and saving it)?

Most people who come to me have not taken the best care of their marriage relationship.  Perhaps life got in the way — or fear, or anxiety, or anger, or just not realizing you needed to.

The marriage got “flabby,” out of shape, inflexible, and weak.  Sound familiar?

So, you decide to get that marriage back into shape.  Guess what?  It is not going to be easy.  You will feel pain in places you didn’t know you had.  You will discover things about yourself, your spouse, and your relationship, that you never knew before.

Oh, and did I say that after a week of exercising, I am not yet in peak shape?  I know — I looked in the mirror!  Frustrating as it may be, once you get out of shape, it takes both effort and time (in fact, sustained effort over time) to get to where you want to be).

Same is true for your relationship.  It takes time and effort.  It means refusing to get discouraged.  It requires you to make a plan, then stick with it, regardless of how you are feeling!  Remember, “consult your plan, not your feelings.”

When it doesn’t feel like you are making headway.  When another obstacle gets in your way.  When you just can’t quite get there.  That is when you dig in, keep getting up, and keep moving forward.

So, to quickly recap:

1)  This ain’t easy work.

2)  But make a plan.

3)  Stick with it:  “Consult your plan, not your feelings.”

4)  Reap the benefits.

Now, a reality check:  sometimes, people get so out of shape — let their bodies get to such a point of disrepair — that exercise can be deadly.

Unfortunately, that is sometimes true in a marriage.  Sometimes, the relationship has deteriorated too far.  The damage is too great.  The marriage might finally heave a final breath.  The marriage might end.

Problem is, you can never tell whether this is the case or not.  Some people who look like they are on the verge of death begin exercising and come back to life.  The same is true for marriages.

How can you tell?  Try getting your relationship back to life.  The worst thing that happens is you look in the mirror and say “I did my best.”  But the best thing that could happen?  You could save your marriage!

I laughed, but then I was sad.  You see, this “expert” exists in the same realm of others that have given up on marriages where one person has “checked out.”  More than that, he is convincing others they can’t do anything!

What a shame. . . and what a falsehood!

On a daily basis, I watch people work on their marriage, starting by themselves, and restore their relationships.

So, let me be clear about my beliefs:  It is NOT possible to completely restore a marriage by yourself.  You CANNOT force someone to stay in a marriage.   You can’t, in some “magical” way, create a zombie of a spouse.

HOWEVER, you CAN start the process of restoration by yourself.  You CAN work to bring a spouse back into the relationship.  In fact, it has happened countless times in EVERY relationship, in smaller ways.

Every relationship has problems.  In my own life, there are times when one or the other is upset, and my wife or I approach the other, unilaterally, to restart the relationship.  One of us starts acting differently, apologizes, acts lovingly, etc.  Then, the other of us steps back into relating.

The question is how one begins acting, unilaterally, when a huge crisis is underway.  That is what I have specialized in, how someone can start the process.  From there, the other person must, at some point, rejoin the process.

Can someone save a marriage alone?  Absolutely!  Can someone start that process alone?  ABSOLUTELY!

But Woods, Edwards, Jolie/Pitt, and many others seem to beg the question: is happy marriage possible? Well, the answer is absolutely! The news is the news because there is footage and people will follow it.

Reports about the “happily married couple continue to love and appreciate each other” just doesn’t titillate the way a good scandal does. The rich and famous sure seem to be willing to serve up the scandal!

What does this really mean? Perhaps that relationships involving the self-involved and narcissistic are tough to maintain.

Recently, I have been teaching a class on raising responsible kids in a narcissistic world, so the question has arisen, “why do these people shoot themselves in the foot?” My answer is because being surrounded by people who say “yes” to every movement, decision, and action creates the situation where reality becomes a more and more distant truth. “Reality” becomes whatever I want to believe, because there is no reality check around me.

Marriages work when two people decide to work as a team, not so much when either one or the other sees him- or herself as superior and above the rules. Marriage works when both people defend their relationship and guard against dangers. One major danger is attraction to other people.

Somewhere along the way, we seem to have forgotten that attraction to others is natural. Sexual attraction is not an aberration, but a natural part of existence. So the task is not to pretend there is no attraction to another person, but to guard against that attraction threatening the marriage!

Because we have forgotten this fact of attraction, we think that the attraction to another person is somehow 1) proof we should be with someone else, and 2) proof that there is something wrong with our marriage. Neither are true, but both beliefs can destroy a marriage.

Saving a marriage often starts by keeping a marriage out of trouble. Watch Tiger Woods and Jonathan Edwards. Now, when the problem is deep, both are doing backflips to save their marriages — but the real issue is stopping the POTENTIAL for problems.

Guard your marriage. Guard your relationship. And remember the humility of realizing that nobody is above the rules. Marriage is about vigilance from outside dangers as much as the connection and love inside the relationship.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Why would I start with that in a blog on marriage? Because it is not JUST the season of holidays. It is the season of a building storm! You see, in the United States between Thanksgiving and New Years, activities begin to grind to a halt. “Normal” life is put on hold, and people “hunker down” to make it through — especially if there are problems!

Who wants to stir up troubles during this time of the year? Most people who see a problem decide to put it off.

Unfortunately, many spouses assume that since someone is not talking about the problem, there is no problem.

But here is the truth: come the first week of January, there will be one happy group of people — divorce attorneys! People will fill their offices in the first week of January. In fact, there is a spike in divorce filings throughout January.

It happens for a couple of reasons. First, there is a buildup of people who have put it off over the holidays. Second, the first of the year marks new beginnings. People with problems decide to take action.

My hope is you don’t fatten the pockets of the divorce business. If there were problems before the holidays, they are still there! Take these next few weeks to begin building a framework of healing. But don’t wait until January to get started! The attorneys are waiting!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

So, they blindly head down the road to divorce. The only ones to benefit from this action? The Divorce Industry, but the couple will not figure that out for awhile. And when they do finally realize this, they will be so angry with each other that they won’t care. That is the secret that many divorce attorneys will just not tell you!

But allow me to make an assumption here. Let me assume I am “preaching to the choir.” Let me assume that you are already on-board with me about the damage wrought by a divorce. Let me assume that you are not wanting to lose your spouse, that you don’t want your children split between homes, that you don’t want your finances devastated. Let me assume that you want to save your marriage, but you don’t know if a divorce can be avoided.

If your question is “Is it even possible to stop a divorce?” — then let us try and think through this together. You see, I don’t find it helpful to try and convince people to save a marriage. I only try to provide the information you need to do that.

So, consider the following circumstances and factors that determine the likelihood you will succeed in stopping a divorce and saving a marriage. But first, let me tell you that in my 2 decades of helping people deal with a marriage crisis, I never cease to be amazed by two things: 1) marriages that should not, in my estimation, end — do, in fact, end. 2) marriages that I think are likely to fall apart and end actually find healing and stay together.

One major lesson I have learned through this: It truly takes two people to make a marriage work, but it only takes one to royally screw it up (that is my technical term)!

That said, there are factors that play into the likelihood:

1) How long the problems have been known. This is not a matter of how long the problems have existed, but how long one person or the other has been aware of it. The longer a problem has been known, the longer someone has been asking for change. When that change doesn’t ever happen, someone often becomes more and more resentful, eating away at the marriage. So, when a threat is made to divorce, it is often more entrenched and defended.

2) Whether there is infidelity or not. First, let me say that statistics show the majority of marriages where infidelity has happened do manage to survive. Second, let me also point out that I did not say “whether has been infidelity or not.” We are talking here about whether the infidelity is current and on-going.

The reason is because the affair becomes idealized as the “better relationship,” and that can attract the person involved away from the marriage and toward the paramour. That said, the vast majority of extramarital relationships fall apart. Think about it: one day, the person thinks “that person cheated on his/her spouse with me. . . and that could happen to me!” Any relationship built on dishonesty already has the seeds of its destruction sown.

3) Whether children are involved. Parents are capable of pulling outside of themselves and seeing that a divorce would be difficult for the children. So, while it is easy to rationalize and pretend that everything will be okay, the parents know on some level that they are fundamentally ripping away the security the children have known. This gives more opportunities for healing and restoration of the marriage in relationships where there are children.

4) How a spouse responds to the threat of divorce. This is the one you have control over! You can’t go back and redo not changing earlier. You can’t stop a spouse’s infidelity. And you either have children or you don’t. But this one, you have control over.

Spouses that take action, that find the helpful information (as opposed to the lame and useless information floating around) tend to have the best chance for restoration. Why? Because good information will helps you avoid the mistakes that make things worse, helps you to create sensible strategies for reconnecting, helps you to understand what went wrong and what needs to go right. In other words, good information gives you the tools and understandings you need to make some real, lasting changes.

Albert Einstein observed that “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” Good information gives you new ways of thinking. And with that information, the chances of stopping a divorce and saving your marriage go up astronomically!

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Information and help can be found in my System, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

So, people sometimes wonder, why am I so optimistic that a marriage can survive? First, I am confident that marriage, as an institution, will survive because it is the best way we have of making sure the next generation continues. And it continues to honor the fact that people keep falling in love!

Why might a particular marriage survive? As I see it, we finally stand at a point where marriages really have the tools and capacity of not just surviving but thriving.

Until the last 3 or 4 decades, the majority of people stayed together, not out of happiness but out of lack of choice. Some were happy, but many stayed together because 1) their survival necessitated it, and 2) because the social norms necessitated it. Not the recipe for a content life together!

Then, those norms and opportunities changed. Pursuit of personal happiness surpassed the need to stay together. People shifted to personal pursuit at the expense of the marriage. Divorce rates skyrocketed. The choice became “stay married and miserable” or “divorce and try to be personally happy.” Small problem: people pursued happiness, but happiness was not found. In fact, many found themselves more miserable post-divorce.

Today, I believe the lesson has mostly been learned. People don’t blindly believe that divorce equals happiness. But many see no other option.

Enter the final fact: We now have the technology and knowledge to have a happy, fulfilling marriage. People don’t have to make the choice, but can discover how to be happy within the marriage. Imagine: individual happiness, marital happiness, and no need to divorce.

That is why I am optimistic. On a daily basis, I see people take advantage of the knowledge we have to create a wonderful marriage. I believe society and culture will continue to turn away from divorce and toward embracing fulfillment within marriage.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my system, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

If you can’t read it, zoom in! It is important. (Just click the image!)

This is someone who finally decided to grab my ebook. Unfortunately, it was only after grabbing another “magic” book about making up. Others tell me about buying books on how to stop a divorce (reverse psychology is often the content). But that “magic” book is, as this customer notes, just plain dangerous! I can tell you the point of these new books on making up: make your spouse jealous and act like you don’t care!

If anyone thinks that these tactics are really going to work, then there are some bigger issues than they know at work! Unfortunately, there are times when desperation trumps common sense!

Two things happen when we are in a crisis: 1) we want to be out of pain, and 2) we want guidance.

Unfortunately, that desire leads to simultaneous problems. First, we look for what seems to be the fastest way out of pain (rarely the best or most effective), and second, we stop evaluating the source of guidance.

Please, please, please! Don’t make that mistake! Get help! Find resources that will help you, but do think through the advice and who it is coming from. Is it an expert (not an expert marketer, but an expert in relationships!)? Do you have a sense of what kind of advice you are goint to get (for example, you can see a good deal of my thinking in this blog and in my free ecourse)? Is it just too good to be true? And most importantly, does the approach fit with your ethics and morals?

Marriages can be saved, with the right advice and with effort. Marriages can be destroyed with the wrong advice (even with effort!).

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.