2 Necessary Feelings and 3 Ways You Hurt Them: #70 Save Your Marriage Podcast
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

2 necessary feelings:  wanted and accepted.Feelings.  We all have them.

Sometimes, we have the wrong feelings.  And we try to get away from those feelings.

In a relationship in trouble, you can guarantee that someone is not feeling the way that he or she wants to feel.  So, that person tries to get away from what is making them feel that way.

Unfortunately, that “something” is more a “someone,” the spouse.

Are YOU making your spouse feel something that is causing him or her to want to get away?

There are 2 primary feelings that must be in a strong relationship.  The opposite of those feelings tend to push couples apart.

Those 2 feelings?

  1. Feeling wanted.
  2. Feeling accepted.

You may not feel wanted or accepted.  If you are working on saving and improving your relationship, let me suggest you set that aside for now.  Focus on how you can help your spouse feel wanted and accepted.

In this week’s podcast, I talk about these feelings (and their opposites) and 3 ways you may be hurting those feelings for your spouse.

Join me as we explore these 2 necessary feelings and 3 ways we hurt those feelings.

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“Give It To Me Straight, Doc. Can This Be Saved?” #69 Save Your Marriage Podcast
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

“Can my marriage be saved?”  That question is echoed in email after email, voicemail after voicemail, and conversation after conversation.

“Just give it to me straight,” Jerry told me.  He was more direct than others.  “I know you are supposed to say, ‘Of course it can,’ but do I have a chance?”

To be clear, I am not supposed to say anything.  Most people tell me I can be a bit too direct.  So, I never pad my response.  The problem is, I cannot tell, with 100% accuracy, whether a marriage is going to turn around.

You see, I have no way of predicting whether Jerry will carry through with his plan — whether he will react, in a moment of weakness, and fall short; or whether he will simply NOT act.

Also, I have no way of predicting how Jerry’s spouse will respond to Jerry’s plan.

But, as I told Jerry, I do know this:  if he does not act, I can guarantee the marriage will continue to crumble.  And most crumbled marriages end.

There are very few guarantees in life (other than taxes and death).  So, I can’t guarantee.

So, how do we raise the odds?  How do we get things moving toward the potential of a saved and restored marriage?

That’s my topic in today’s podcast.  I offer some reasons why things can be more complicated.  And I give you some direction on how to move forward.

After listening, if you are ready to get started, Here Is My Save The Marriage System.

If you have already started with my System, but are ready to take your efforts to the next level, email me about my Virtual Coaching Program.

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Love Languages and Marriage: An Interview with Dr. Gary Chapman
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Maybe languages just aren’t my thing.

In high school, I took French.  I switched to Spanish in college.  But my grades weren’t where I thought they should be (foolish me!).  So, I tried out Latin.  THAT was a massive failure!  And since I needed to make it to a literature class before graduating, I went back to French. . . and stumbled through it.

Then, graduate school.  In my Master’s program, the Seminary required Hebrew and Greek.  Youch!  Even the letters were unrecognizable!  In fact I made a deal with my Hebrew teacher.  I promised that if he passed me, I would NEVER use Hebrew, or even admit he had been my professor.

Okay, I DID master a computer language in high school:  BASIC.  That was long before Al Gore (or anyone else) invented the internet.  But I did get that one down (and it is long gone from my brain!).

So, suffice it to say I am now illiterate in 5 languages!

But love languages.  That is a different thing!

Dr. Gary Chapman

Dr. Gary Chapman

There are very few books that I recommend without reservation or explanation.  One such book is The 5 Love Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman.

Dr. Chapman’s idea is elegantly simple, easily grasped, and very implementable.  All elements of a useful resource!

Over and over, I have referred people to Gary’s best-selling book (over 11 million copies sold around the world).  And I even reference his material in my Save The Marriage System.

So, I decided it was time to sit down and chat with Gary.  I wanted HIM to explain his concepts to you.  And I wanted US to discuss how his ideas can radically transform (and even save) your relationship.

But more than that, I wanted to discuss how Dr. Chapman’s ideas apply to all relationships:  family, parenting, work, friends, and spouses.

What finally “lit the fire” for me was a conversation with my daughter.  I discovered that she had been taught about the 5 love languages at college.

What I discovered was a kind, warm, gentle, and insightful person in Dr. Chapman.

As you will hear, Dr. Chapman has a background in anthropology.  He also trained as a religious educator, and received his Ph.D..  Dr. Chapman discovered, in his early days of ministry, the deep need for healing in families.  So, Gary shifted his focus to counseling.

The 5 Love Languages CoverAnd it was “in the trenches” that Dr. Chapman realized how many people were feeling unloved by spouses desperately trying to show love.  Upon looking over his notes, he saw their were 5 categories, languages, of love — ways people understand, feel, and show love.  In our interview, Dr. Chapman covers each one.  But here is a list:

  1. Words of Affirmation
  2. Quality Time
  3. Receiving Gifts
  4. Acts of Service
  5. Physical Touch

(If you are trying to decide on your love language, you can take the quiz at 5LoveLanguages.com )

Listen in as Dr. Chapman and I discuss these 5 love languages.

Toward the end of our conversation, Gary and I discuss a Marriage Experiment.  You will hear us discuss it at length, but I want to invite you to take on the experiment.

Gary and I have created a document that will walk you through the entire process.

Click Here
Grab The Marriage Experiment
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CLICK HERE TO GRAB THE MARRIAGE EXPERIMENT GUIDE.[/wpob id="1"]

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How Gratitude Can Transform Your Marriage (Thanksgiving Message)
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Happy Thanksgiving!Thanksgiving Day, in the United States, is upon us.  The day we turn our attention to “thanks” and “gratitude.”

What does that have to do with your marriage?

LOTS.

Gratitude can transform your marriage.

I discovered this a few years back, when I gave a couple an exercise that transformed their view of each other.

Gratitude is the language of connection and friendship.

Criticism is the enemy of connection, and the opposite of gratitude.

Learn how you can integrate practices of gratitude into your own life and into your relationship.

Wishing you a meaningful Thanksgiving, wherever you are!

3 Ways To Stay In The Game When You Want To Quit: #66
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

ReadyToGiveUpSmall

We all hit that point where we just want to give up.  Remember that poster with the cat at the end of the rope?  We get it.  We’ve all been there.

While working on your relationship, you may have already hit it.  Or you may feel close.

This is normal.  Working on a relationship can be frustrating, painful, scary, and defeating.  That is part of the process.  This is especially true if your relationship has been falling apart for awhile.

You see, many people finally realize their marriage is on the rocks as the ship is taking on water.  You keep on bailing, but it seems to keep on filling.

So, when that feeling hits, what do you do?  How do you stay in the game?  How do you keep moving forward?

Today, I want to give you 3 ways to do just that.  These 3 strategies will help you continue forward, in spite of the feelings you may have of wanting to quit.

Since you are here, that tells me you have a commitment to persevering.  Let me give you some strategies to do just that.

Let me know what you think in the comments are below.

And if you are ready to get your plan together, visit me at SaveTheMarriage.com.

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The Science of Saving Your Marriage: #65 Save Your Marriage Podcast
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Turn toward your spouse.Sometimes, it all just seems like opinion.  Lots of people with lots of opinion on what you should do to save your marriage.

But what DOES science tell us about saving your relationship?

It turns out, LOTS.

Today, I want to cover one small piece of the puzzle.  This is one piece of research you can IMMEDIATELY apply to your relationship.

Better yet, you can apply this researched response, regardless of what your spouse chooses to do (or not do).

This one piece of information was proven to be 94% accurate in predicting whether a couple stays together or divorces.  That’s pretty strong evidence!

Listen, and start applying today!

If you are ready for even more help, all based on the most current science of relationships, email me at [email protected] and I will link you up!

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4 Steps To Not Ruining Today With Yesterday: #64 Save Your Marriage Podcast
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Don't ruin today with yesterday.I have heard too many spouses say, “I would love it if we could save our marriage.  But you have NO IDEA about what has happened!  There is no way for us to move forward!”

Or how about this one?: “Do you have any idea what he/she did?  How can I ever forgive/trust/move on/reconnect/love again?”

As far as we can tell, we humans are the only creatures capable of looking at what has happened and reformulating what is to come.

We are the only ones who can thoughtfully say, “Well, that didn’t work.  I think I had better learn a new way/decide on a new path/try something different.”

And as far as we can tell, we are the only creatures that continually live our lives caught in the past, living in the land of “what has been,” while failing to note “what is happening right now.”

This is why I love Dr. Gary Chapman’s quote so much:  “I am amazed at how many people ruin today with yesterday.”

Where do YOU live?  Where does your spouse live?

You DO have a choice.

Today, I want to talk about 4 simple practices that will help you leave the past where it belongs — in the past, and how to move into what is, this present moment.

By following these 4 simple practices, you can escape the trap of the past, while still learning from it and changing for the better.

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“I Love You, But I’m Not In Love.” What It Means, What To Do: #63
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

LoveIsAVerbCoveysmall“I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”  That single statement starts more marriage crises than any other sentence.

To be clear, the issues were already there.

It’s just that many times, one spouse does not know how disconnected the other spouse is feeling.

But when that one statement drops, everything changes.  The issues are out there.  The problems begin to emerge.

The festering infection is now brought to the surface.

Sometimes, the infection has been festering for years — maybe even the vast majority of the relationship.

Maybe there have been some attempts to address the marital problems in the past.  Sometimes, a habit here or there has been changed.

But the underlying dynamic that is causing the real marriage crisis, that has eluded efforts.

“I’m not in love with you” can feel like a kick in the gut.  The emotional pain can double you over.

And when we are in emotional pain, we rarely respond in constructive and helpful ways.  The infection can quickly overwhelm the marriage.

But what does that phrase REALLY mean?  Why does it often appear “out of the blue?”  Why is the spiral down so quick after this is spoken?

Let’s talk about this.  In today’s podcast, I help you understand the meaning behind this phrase — and what to do about it!

If you want further help and have heard this phrase, please grab my Save The Marriage System.  If you want further help, let me know at [email protected]

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“Sometimes It Just Sucks!”
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

“Linda” is a member of my virtual coaching program.  She left me a message yesterday, “Sometimes, it just sucks.”

For the past four months, Linda had been working hard to save her marriage.  Over the years, Linda and “Craig” had fallen out of step with each other.  Maybe it was just those life events pulling at them:  careers, kids, friends, other interests.  Neither meant for it to happen.  But it had.  Linda and Craig were so disconnected that Linda found herself avoiding Craig, while Craig was doing the same.

Sometimes it just sucks.Between the two of them, their marriage had come unglued.

Every discussion led to an argument.  Every argument led to the “silent treatment” by one or the other.

Sex, well. . . it seemed that “making love” was replaced with “making hate.”  Then one day, even that stopped.

Their spiral was steep and fast.  One day, over one glass of wine too many, Linda asked, “What are we doing?  Where are we going?”

Craig responded.  And Linda hadn’t expected his reply:  “I’m about done here,” Craig stated.  “I can’t live with the tension and disappointment.  Every time I look at you, I see how you look at me.  I feel horrible every day and every night.”

That night, Craig moved to the couch.  He told his kids the next day, “I have allergies and have been keeping your mother up, snoring.”  They had no reason to not believe him.  Linda’s eyes were red and swollen.  She cried and sobbed throughout the night.

For the next few days, the “silent treatment” became icy silence.  They practically avoided each other.

But Linda couldn’t stand it any longer.  “So what are we going to do?” plead Linda.

Craig said he was not sure.  He just knew that things could not be like they were, and he didn’t think anything could change.  Deep down, Linda feared the same thing.  But she refused to face that.

She began to plead and beg.  She tried to rationalize and argue.  But after a couple of days of that, Craig was only more convinced of how bad things were — and more convinced that nothing could change.  Linda realized she had to stop trying to convince him to stay.

For the next couple of weeks, Linda simply dragged through the day.  She was barely able to move one foot in front of the other.  Linda has told me that the only thing that kept her moving was her kids.  She did not want them to see the pain and be scared.

One day, Linda woke up (and truly woke up).  She decided this was not who she was, the situation was not what she wanted, and she was not going to give up.  That is when Linda found me and my Save The Marriage System.

By that evening, Linda had digested lots of information and was ready to save her marriage.  She changed how she interacted.  She changed her arguing, stop trying to persuade, quit reacting to the “bait” Craig threw her way, and started looking for opportunities to connect.

Guess what happened?

Nothing.

Nada.

Zero.

Craig barely responded.  He didn’t even seem to notice.

That could have been the end of the story.  Linda could have given up.  She could have walked away, and they could have started the legal process.

A few things kept Linda moving ahead.  First, she came from a broken home and knew the pain.  She did not want that for the kids.  Second, Linda had made a decision that staying too long and trying too hard was better than giving up too soon.  Linda had made a promise at her wedding.  She wanted to keep it.

So, she kept at it.

And some days, it sucked.

Craig would tell her that nothing had changed (even though Linda knew she had changed).  Craig would remind her that he believed that once love is gone, it is gone forever (strangely, as Linda worked on herself and he relationship, she began to feel a softening toward Craig — not quite love, but no longer was it hate).  Craig stayed disconnected (in spite of Linda purposely trying to reconnect in ways Craig always wanted).

Some days, it sucked badly.

Linda wanted to give up.

One thing kept her going:  she had committed herself to work as long as she could.

I told Linda something that changed her stance:

“Sometimes, bad marriages are made by good people acting badly toward each other.”

As much as Linda wanted to look at Craig as a bad person, she knew differently.  She just needed a reminder.  People do not always act as they should.  They act out of their hurt — which feels like anger to the other person.  Those moments of hurt and anger, though, are just desperate attempts to connect.

Bad marriage is good people acting badly.I gave Linda some “tasks” to get through the tough times.  So I thought I might share them with you.

1)  Work to see your spouse through loving eyes.  It is much too easy to only see your spouse through the hurt and pain.  Through that lens, you will only see someone who may be:  spiteful, vengeful, hurtful, angry, etc.  But when you use loving eyes, you may see someone who is also hurting and unsure what to do, someone just as disillusioned and worried as you.

2)  Make a list of the reasons why you want to work on the relationship.  Write out as many as you can think of.  You will come up with practical reasons:  your finances, the kids, what others will think, and retirement.  But you will also come up with some deeper reasons:  belief in commitment, desire to learn and grow through a crisis, wanting to show your children how to move through struggles, and many others.

Mark out the practical ones.  They may be important.  But they will do little to inspire you.  Keep a list of the deeper, soulful reasons.  Pull them out and read through them when you are frustrated and feel like quitting.  Your feelings can lead you away from your plans.  As my wife says,

“Consult your plans, not your emotions.”

3)  Accept that some days will suck.  They just will.  Sometimes, things will be moving forward.  Then, you have a setback.  It is easy to panic and decide to quit.  Or you can just accept that is the nature of the process.  Some days go great (don’t think you are in the clear), and some days will suck (don’t think this means it is all over).  Keep it all in perspective.  Enjoy the good days; endure the bad days.

Keep it all in perspective.  Your marriage did not get into trouble overnight, and it will not improve overnight.  The process can be slow and frustrating.  But it is worth it in the end.

4)  Take care of yourself.  This is a stressful time.  Your body is feeling it.  Be sure and:

a)  Eat well.  Don’t get suckered into “comfort foods” that are full of carbs.  The carbs turn to sugar and keep your body in “siege mode.”

b) Get some movement.  I hate to call it exercise, but you need your body moving.  20 minutes of walking or even some short-duration, high-intensity activity (see the 7 Minute Workout) can help your body burn off the adrenaline load and help you maintain a good physical and mental frame.

c)  Get your rest.  Aim for 7 to 9 hours of sleep.  Too little or too much is an indication and a cause of stress.  Get your rest and you will have more resources for your efforts.

5)  Take this time as a chance to grow.  Read some books on self-development, listen to podcasts or audios (I have podcasts here and at my blog for self-development, Thriveology.com).  There are so many resources out there.  Feed your mind, your soul, your spirit.  Take this difficult time as an opportunity to grow and discover what your challenge has to teach you.

Linda was right.  Sometimes, it just sucks.  But in the midst of the “suck-y,” you may discover lessons you need to learn and capacities you never knew you had.  The effort, regardless of outcome, is what you can control.

Your intentions and actions are within your control.  Circumstances and actions by others are not.

 

 

Stop Trying To Convince Your Spouse To Stay!
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Stop trying to convince your spouse to stay.You line up your argument:  hit ’em with facts about how divorce affects the kids, show ’em how divorce will devastate retirement for both of you, show ’em research that proves divorces do not lead to more happiness or satisfaction, etc., etc., etc.

Now, you just know you can convince your spouse to stay!

Have you done that?  Have you decided to rationally explain why you should stay married, and how you two can work things out?

How did it go?

My guess is, it failed miserably.  At least in my experience, I have not seen that approach work.  A polite spouse may say, “You’ve given me lots to think about.”  (This is short-hand for “You’ve given me lots to think about, but I have no intention of thinking about it.”)  A less polite spouse may tell you where you can go, making it clear that the spouse is not interested in logic or reason.

Why is that?  Aren’t we reasonable creatures?  Don’t we follow logic?

The simple, and quite obvious, truth is that we humans are anything but rational, reasonable, and logical.

A quick glance around will let you know that logic is not winning in the world.  Emotions carry the day.

In fact, according to research, upwards of 90% of decision-making is emotional (and mostly unconscious).  We simply look for logical and rational reasons to support our emotional decisions.

Which is why your efforts to argue logic and reason will fail.

Marriage is nurtured by emotional connection — and starved by a lack of it.  When a marriage is connection-starved, decisions to leave are fueled, not by logic, but by emotions.  And attempts to argue logic?  They will fail.

Listen to the podcast and let me know what you think!

If you feel the need for more help in healing the emotions, drop me an email at [email protected].

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