Posts Tagged :

can I save my marriage

“What If I CAN’T Save It?” — Your Fears Addressed
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

"What If I can't save my marriage?"Two phone calls the same day.  Both with the same question:  “What if I CAN’T save my marriage?”  One had been working at it for awhile.  The other hadn’t started (and was trying to decide whether to even start).

It’s a common question that gets asked at 3 different times in the process.  Each has a different meaning.  All share a fear.

That fear can keep you from taking action, talk you into giving up, or serve to inform you.

This week, I want to take on the question, “What if I can’t save it?”, because not every marriage can be saved.  (But NONE will be saved without action.)

Don’t let the question trip you up.  Understand what’s behind it.  And learn my answer to the question.

Listen below. . .

(And if you are ready to get started, GRAB MY SAVE THE MARRIAGE SYSTEM HERE.)

How To Stay In The Game
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

How to Stay In the Game.You might feel like “tapping out,” or forfeiting, just giving up and walking away.

It can be frustrating when you are trying to save a marriage, only to get pushback from a spouse.  You are working to build the connection, working to improve yourself, and working to make a different relationship.  But it feels like two steps forward, three steps back.

How do you “stay in the game?”

Partly, it is mental.  But there are also some things you can do to help you shift perspective, keep your patience, and keep on moving forward.  Let me share some strategies on how to “Stay in the Game” in this week’s podcast.

Listen below.

3 Secrets Of People Who Save Their Marriage (And YOU Need To Know)
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

3 secrets people who save their marriage know, and you need to learn.aI have watched from the sidelines as people work to save their marriage.  And it strikes me that there are three secrets people who save their marriage learn and master.  If you don’t know these secrets, you need to.

What are those 3 secrets?

  1.  They know the difference between Symptoms and Cause.
  2. They know their spouse is not the enemy. (You may think you know this, too.  But you may be acting the opposite.)
  3. They know they need a plan.  (Not just a thought, or an idea, but a plan.)

If you don’t know these secrets, you need to learn them.  Listen to this week’s podcast below to learn the secrets.

HERE ARE SOME ADDITIONAL RESOURCES:
It’s About WE
Spouse As Enemy
You Need A Plan
Get The System

“I Love You, But I’m NOT IN Love”
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you."That one phrase has sent more marriages into a downward spiral than any other:  “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you.”

What does that even mean?

Notice that the phrase is uttered BECAUSE things are not where they need to be.

But there is a fork in the road here.  IF you know what this is about, it can be an opportunity to rebuild, to find a better path to a better marriage.

But if you don’t know what this is about, and what to do about it, your next actions can accelerate the downward spiral.  It can rapidly go from “love you, but not in love,” to “I want a divorce.”  It just doesn’t have to.

In this week’s podcast, I let you in on what this phrase REALLY means, and what to do about it.

RELATED RESOURCES
Disconnection In Marriage
Don’t Chase
Save The Marriage System

 

Healing Your Resentments
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Healing your own resentments.Resentments are the deep infections of anger.  When anger is unresolved, it becomes a systemic poison.  But do remember that anger is really a result of hurt and fear/threat.  It just comes out as anger.

When the hurt goes unaddressed and the anger festers, it becomes resentment.  Resentment then spreads into more and more areas of relating.  It pulls the relationship down, weakening the connection and destroying good feelings.

Your spouse may have lots of resentment toward you.  We will be covering that next week.  But we always start with ourselves.  What about YOUR resentments?  How do you heal YOUR resentments?

If you don’t start there, you won’t be effective in addressing your spouse’s resentments.

Join me for this week’s podcast, as we discuss healing your resentments. . .

SOME RELATED RESOURCES
4 Mind Modes Killing Your Marriage
3 Relationship Killers (And 3 Nurturers)
Save The Marriage System (Including Anger/Resentment Module)

Fooling Ourselves. . .
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

FoolingOurselvesWe don’t mean to, but we do.  We fool ourselves.  Yep, humans can be dishonest with others, but we can also be dishonest with ourselves.  In fact, we do it every day.

It’s bad enough we can be dishonest with others.  But ourselves?  Yep.  And it can sure get in the way of saving your marriage.

Usually, when we are fooling ourselves, we relieve ourselves of responsibility.  And if it isn’t our responsibility, what can we do?  (Or so we tell ourselves.)

Let’s talk about several ways we are dishonest with ourselves. . . and how to change that!

HELPFUL RESOURCES:
Why to Save a Marriage
You Need a Plan
Save The Marriage System

“Where Do I Focus?”
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Don't know where to put your focus?Whenever I am alone on a long drive, I try to answer all the calls I can.  This past weekend gave me another opportunity.  I delivered my son to college and had an 8 hour drive home.

I answered a call as I was leaving the mountains.  The woman on the call told me she had my System.  But in the midst of the crisis, she needed some shortcut.  She wanted a simple place to focus.

First, I got her to promise me she would read the whole System and apply ALL of it.  She promised she was looking for real guidance.  Not just a trick or easy answer.

I told her there are 2 places of focus, as far as I was concerned.  If I boiled it all down, this gave her 2 “handles” to hold onto as she put her plan together and moved forward.

Sometimes, when you are under pressure, some pretty good things come out of it.  My 2 words of focus for her?  “Respect” and “Connect.”  It was good enough that I wanted to share this with you.

Listen to the podcast below to learn what I mean (even if you don’t feel respect and aren’t feeling connected).  And how to get started!

RELATED RESOURCES:
Having A Plan
Dimensions of Connection
Respect
My System
How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps
Coaching Services

Why Getting A Spouse To Agree Is Dangerous
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

whygettingspouseagreedangerousI know. You want to convince your spouse to see things your way.  So, you set out to “get” your spouse to agree with you.

…And you have now begun walking down a very dangerous path.

(I bet you didn’t think so, did you?)

Almost always, trying to get your spouse to agree will backfire — and even make things worse.  Sometimes, much worse.

Can I share with you why this can be so dangerous and how to avoid this problem?  This is something you want to fully understand.

(If you want a better way, GRAB THIS and get started.)

 

5 Reasons To Save Your Marriage
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

5reasonssavemarriageSometimes, in the midst of trying to save your marriage, you can get lost.  You can forget why you are doing this.  Your spouse’s negativity, the negativity of others, may drown out your “why.”

Don’t let it.  This is important work.  Not easy.  Not comfortable.  But important.

We live in a “disposable” society.  No need to learn and grow.  No reason to work and improve.  Just toss it aside.  And the legal system makes it so easy.  A colleague of mine, Mike McManus, says that “no-fault” divorce is the wrong term.  It is really just “unilateral” divorce.

In this week’s podcast, I want to remind you of the good reasons, the powerful reasons, why you are working to save your marriage.

Maybe this is a little bit of “pep talk,” but it is really just a reminder of just how important your efforts are.

If you have other important reasons, please include them in the comments area below.

(And here is a training on why “Why” is so important.)