Posts Tagged :

can this marriage be saved

Why You and Your Plan Are Stalled
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

whyplanstalledAre your efforts to save your marriage getting stalled?  Maybe we should take a look at your plan.

You do have a plan, don’t you?

Let’s talk about 5 reasons your plan (or lack of plan) may be the trouble — and what we can do to make a switch.

To be crystal clear, all 5 reasons are in your control.  YOU can choose how you move forward in each of these issues.  You may not have control over your spouse’s reaction, but you do have choices in your planning and execution of your plan.

Check out these related trainings:
Points of Failure
Your Reasons Why

And check out these resources:
How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps book
The Save The Marriage System

What Are You Controlling?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

WhatAreYouControllingBehaviorSo many times, I hear couples say, “Stop Controlling ME!”  Interestingly, sometimes, both people are saying it to the other.  BOTH people are not likely to get very far in controlling.  But BOTH claim a controlling spouse, while NEITHER accepts being controlling.

Why is that?

From my perspective, people spend a great deal of energy trying to control things that cannot be controlled, and forgetting to control the things they CAN control.

And this is why both people can feel controlled, and neither can feel controlling.

Do you feel that you are in a controlling marriage, with a controlling spouse?  Do you think YOU might be controlling, of your spouse and of your relationship?

Consider 3 categories of control, things over which you:

  1. have NO control,
  2. have PARTIAL control,
  3. have FULL control.

Spend your time trying to control the things over which you have no control, and you are headed for frustration (your spouse’s and yours).  Forget to control the things you can, and you are headed for problems.

Let’s talk about control — where you have it and where you don’t.

RELATED RESOURCES:
End Your Controlling Behavior
Stop Being Controlling
Countrol, Boundaries, & Standards
“Why Are We Fighting?”
Stop Pursuing
The Save The Marriage System

 

How To Save Your Marriage When It Hurts
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Too many times, I have answered my phone to sobs, had people come to my office in tears, write emails that are outpourings of pain.

So, let’s be clear — saving a marriage is tough work!  It requires you to set aside the pain you feel and move forward.  It means setting aside anger and resentment and choosing to relate.

Said another way, it requires us to get out of our lizard brain and back into our sensible brain.

We all have that lizard brain deep within our head.  It is the part that tries to avoid pain at all costs, the one that calculates it is easier to avoid than deal with the tough stuff.

Your lizard brain is constantly telling you what to fear, what it thinks can hurt you — which, by the way, is just about everything.  That part of you that keeps saying “but what if I try, and my spouse rejects me?” or “what if I do/say the wrong thing?” or the one that says “nothing is worth this.”

The sensible part, the one we humans pretend is really in charge, hears that deep voice, and then pretends it makes sense.  But one step back, that brain knows that 1) there are no guarantees in life, 2)  sometimes, life hurts, but that doesn’t mean we should shrink away, and 3)  there are things like family, commitment, and love, that make the pain bearable.

When you find yourself wanting to give up, to get away from the pain, take a step back.  Give yourself a chance to breathe.  Then ask “can I keep trying?”, “am I really ready to quit?”, “am I willing to really give it my best shot?”  If you decide you really want to quit, just make sure that lizard brain hasn’t hijacked the rest of you.

And when you are ready to keep on moving forward, to find a way, find your answer on how to save your marriage here.

Sometimes, It Is Just Easier To Give Up, Call It Quits. . .
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Couple Disconnected. . .throw in the towel, walk away.

Easier.  But better?

Let me tell you about Rod and Penny.  They had been married for 17 years when they hit a tough spot.  Both “tried to get things better,” although neither told the other.  Then, both began to truly believe that the problem was the other one.  With fingers pointed at each other, they came into my office, loaded.

They had a list of grievances.  Both were ready to unload, to have me play judge and assign fault.  I think both wanted me to tell him or her that he or she was innocent, and the whole problem with the marriage was the other.

I resisted, knowing that each had been a part of the problems.  Instead, I tried to understand what was happening to the relationship.  I listened as one would start a story, only to have the details either challenged or corrected.  Quickly, we got off-track and derailed.  The bickering was non-stop.  The animosity was far too clear.

Finally, toward the end of a session, Rod turned and said, “I’ve had enough.  It would be easier to just quit.”  The room was silent for a moment.  Then I asked, “is that what you really want?  Is that where you are?  Ready to give up?  Or are you just frustrated and feeling hopeless?”  Rod was silent.

In the midst of pain, we tend to easily confuse what would be easy and what would be useful.  We confuse what we want with wanting to stop the pain.  Caught between seeing more pain and seeing an end to the pain, we tend to want relief.  But our sight is usually a bit clouded.  Our emotions fool us into looking only at the pain, not the possibility.

I must admit, I am not much on giving up  on a marriage.  In fact, I really believe that marriages are way too important to simply quit on.  Not that I think all marriages have to stick it out.  In fact, I am clear that abusive marriages are outside of what I think should be saved.  The danger is too great.

Problem is, we live in a society that is too often looking for the “easy” answer, the less painful way.  Only to learn that it is neither easy nor painless.  In fact, part of the reason I hold so strongly to marriage is because I know the people on the other side.  The ones that threw in the towel, walked away, called it quits.

I have met VERY FEW that say “I am so glad I did that.”  In fact, the vast majority tell me quite the opposite — “why didn’t we fight harder?”

Sometimes, the seemingly easy path is really the most dangerous path.  And what looks like the most painful path is, indeed, the better way.

Save The Marriage Video: Will Problems Just Happen Again?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Has your spouse told you that even if you did work on the marriage, the problems would just come back, so why bother?  Or perhaps you did work on your marriage, only to see the problems return.

Does that mean that problems returning is unavoidable?  Does that make you or your spouse wonder “what’s the point?”

I would contend that you have “missed the point!”  Sure, every marriage has problems.  But let me tell you how you can end a problem for good, and be better prepared to deal with any other problems that emerge!

Watch this video!

Save The Marriage Video: I Keep Messing Up. What Do I Do?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Do you find yourself in a panic, making a crisis even worse?  Does that mean you can’t save your marriage?

Time to discover what you need to do if you want to save your marriage, even if you are making mistakes.  Let’s face it:  you are in the midst of a crisis, and most of us do not do well with fear.  But that doesn’t mean there is no hope.  We just need to get you back on track!  Learn how to save your marriage, even if you keep messing up!

Video: What If My Spouse Wants A Divorce?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Has your spouse asked for a divorce?  Are you wanting to stop the divorce.  Can you save your marriage, or is it too late?  We look at these questions in this video.

My belief is that you can STILL save your marriage, but let me tell you more about that in this video.

Video: Can You Fall In Love Again?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

We recently looked at where the love went.  Today, we want to examine the question, “can we fall in love again?”  A crucial question.

You see, I don’t think you should just be saving your marriage to avoid divorce.  I believe you can and should be building an exceptional marriage.  A marriage crisis does not mean you simply limp along into the future.  You grow, learn, develop, and create a marriage much, much better than ever before.

Want to know what can happen?  Watch this video to help you save your marriage.

Save The Marriage Video: I Thought Everything Was OK! What Happened?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

A marriage crisis can rear-end you!  You feel like you didn’t see it coming.  At least weekly, I hear from someone telling me that they knew their marriage was not going as well as they would like, but they thought it was temporary.  Maybe they expected that once the kids were grown, there would be time for the marriage.  Or perhaps they thought that once their jobs were secure, or they were promoted, or. . . .

Fact is, marriages can fall apart, and one or the other spouse doesn’t see it coming, making you wonder “can this marriage be saved?” or “can I save my marriage?”

Start by learning what happened in this video.

Save The Marriage Video: Will A Midlife Crisis End My Marriage?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

So, we have a basic understanding now of what a midlife crisis really is.  But that only creates another question:  will it end your marriage?  Can the marriage be saved in the midst of a crisis?  The answer will be a challenge, but can lead to transformation of the marriage, if you heed advice on your marriage.  Stop your divorce that a midlife crisis is creating.  Watch the video.