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Can You Save A Failing Marriage

Doing The Right Thing vs. Doing It Right
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Doing what's right, the right way.Today, I tackle a pretty sensitive subject:  the difference between “Doing The Right Thing” and “Doing It Right.”

Let me be very clear:  I believe that working to save your marriage is heroic work.  It is pretty counter-cultural in our world of “throw away.”  We do it with stuff and relationships.  And “No Fault Divorce” (better called “Unilateral Divorce”) has made it simple.  Or at least it has been made to seem simple.

I also believe that working on saving a marriage is courageous.  It’s pretty scary to be in the middle of a crisis, and to CHOOSE to work on the relationship.  That is the definition of courage — feeling fear, and choosing to act, anyway.

Sometimes, I watch people who want to do the right thing, but they don’t do it the right way.  “No Contact Rule,” Reverse Psychology, hypnosis, spells. . . you name it, I see people try it.

And I watch their efforts fail.  Their desire to change things is absolutely there.  But the approach is in trouble.  It kind of reminds me of deciding to diet, then choosing an ice-cream diet.  Probably not going to get the results you want (although it does sound delicious).

Starting with the best of intentions is a great beginning point.  But it has to be followed with an approach that works.

Let’s talk about Doing The Right Thing, AND Doing It The Right Way.

 

RELATED RESOURCES
No Contact Rule Is Crap
So Is Reverse Psychology
And Shortcuts Aren’t
And “Try Anything” Fails
But This System Works

“I Won’t If My Spouse Won’t” — And You Are Stuck
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

"I won't if my spouse won't" and other ways to be stuck.A few days ago, that was what he said on the phone, “I won’t work on my marriage if my spouse won’t.” Now note:  he had contacted me — I help people save their marriage.

“Huh?” I uttered.

“Look,” he said, “if you think I am going to start working on my marriage by myself, that ain’t gonna happen.  Why don’t you convince my spouse to work on the marriage?”

“First,” I replied, “I am not in the market of trying to get someone to do something, neither you nor your wife.  Second, if you are always waiting for your spouse to do something before you do, you are probably very stuck.  Could I suggest something?”

“Probably not, but go ahead and try,” he said.

“Okay,” I pushed on, “what if you were to start working on things?  What if you were to just start moving in the direction of your marriage, seeing if you could improve the connection?  Is it possible that you could START the process, and your spouse could JOIN the process?”

“Maybe….”

Good enough for me.

You see, this is one of those stuck points of marriage.  If one spouse is refusing to do something until the other does something — and the spouse is doing the same thing — the marriage is frozen in place.  Stuck.

Someone has to shift.  Someone has to blink.  Someone has to be willing to change something in order for something to change.

Let’s talk about this stuck point — and how to get beyond it — in this week’s podcast (below).

(I mention a resource in the podcast.  FIND IT RIGHT HERE.)