I have been on several trips this summer, first on a mission trip with my daughter and then on a Boy Scout trip with my son.  In the meantime, my daughter went away for a language immersion program and the rest of the family took a break together on vacation.  Suddenly, I turn around and realize my blog sits without comment since May.

But all summer, I have been reflecting on what is important.  I spent my mission time in the Dominican Republic, a lush land that is quite poor.  The Scouts trip took us to the Bahamas, a harsh environment with great wealth.  And in between, I had 1 1/2 days to  clean up, rest, and fly out again.  In other words, I was in each environment within about 48 hours of each other.

There I am in the DR, meeting people who were hugging me, offering our group gifts, and seeing people in the cities and villages sitting together.  What emerged was the deep love and support of the people.  Then the Bahamas, with $20 million homes isolated on an island.  People created rules to keep others off “their” beaches.  LOTS of wealth, not so much community.

Let me be clear that these are general themes, and don’t apply to everyone.  But let me also say that although general, it was sure obvious to me.

So, what does matter?  That thick bank account, nice boat, nice car, beautiful house?  Or connection, support, relationships?

When my daughter returned from her journeys, she told us about the plaza in the village where she spent several weeks.  Everyone gathered there in the evenings, swapping stories and sitting together.  We talked about how absent that often is in the United States.  We are more likely to build fences than to sit together.

In spite of the fact that we are clearly social beings.  We are obviously made to be in relationships.

What about marriage?  How often do marriages end because a couple stopped attending to what was important:  the relationship.  Instead, they focused on gathering stuff, raising kids, chasing pursuits.

A study several years back examined spouses and communication.  It found that couples spend talking, when you take out the calendar issues and reporting on administrative issues, less than 4 minutes per day.  Go out on a date one evening and talk for 1/2 hour — you just wiped out a week’s worth of conversation!

Why do marriages find themselves in trouble?  Couples stop connecting, stop communicating, stop sharing.  Slowly, the need finds other places to be.  Then one day, they look at each other and realize the disconnection is deep.

What is important?  My vote is “relationships.”  How about your vote?

This video can help you protect your marriage from problems, and help recover from problems, by helping you learn how to protect your relationship.

She asked the same thing: “We are in deep trouble, and I didn’t even know it! We have 2 kids, and hectic lives. I knew we weren’t connecting much, but I didn’t know we were headed for trouble. . . until he asked me for a divorce!”

I have heard the same story over and over. People get married, get settled into life, and get into trouble. Whether is is kids, jobs, school, hobbies, friends, or some other distraction, life pulls at us.

The real issue? Connection. Simple as that. Connected marriages weather the storms. Disconnected marriages wither and die.

Donna told me about the signs that she missed along the way. She told me that all she wanted now was to save her marriage. Problem was, her husband had completely disconnected.

But truth is, their marriage problems started some time ago, when they stopped feeding and watering the relationship.

So, confession time: I have killed a few houseplants in my time. All unintentional. But still, the dead remnants have ended up in the trash more than once (or even twice).

So what happened? That plant was nice and green when I brought it in! I found what I thought were perfect spots for the plants, and they certainly looked good sitting there. . . for a while.

Oh, sure, at first, I made sure they were watered and had fertilizer sticks put in. But at some point, I forgot how long it had been since I had replaced the stick.

Then, at some point, I didn’t tend to the watering quite so carefully. Usually, I realized it, and got back to watering. The wilting plant would spring back to life!

But I noticed a leaf or two would drop. The drought had affected it!

I would then start slipping back into old habits, until the dirt was poor and dry.

Then, there came a point when I could not catch up! I could not bring the plant back to life! It had withered and died.

My point is, marriages are a lot like the plants. They need to be tended, kept up. Watered, fertilized, placed in healthy spots.

What is the water and fertilizer of marriage? So glad you asked!

Connection. Connection with each other. You see, we humans are made to be in connection, in relationship. We NEED someone else for our connection needs to be met.

But we forget that is natural, and assume that need is unnatural, dependent, even codependent! That causes us to stop connecting.

Oh, it is certainly innocent, at least at first. But over time, when we don’t feel we are getting connection, we stop giving connection.

And we literally starve the relationship!

Until it cannot recover.

Don’t keep waiting! Decide you will reach out and connect. Decide you want to move toward your spouse. Decide NOT to worry about how your spouse is NOT moving toward you.

If you want to know more on how to save your marriage, please take a look at Save The Marriage.

I have spent the last 2 decades or so reading, studying, researching, observing, and questioning this. Problem is, we often try to simplify a fairly complex thing. Relationships, any relationship, have problems. It is just the nature of humans living together.

So, at the risk of over-simplifying, let me do just that! I want to examine one dimension of this with you today. So enter with me into. . . (queue Twilight Zone theme) the Connection Dimension!

You see, I really think that the majority of marriages actually get into trouble because of becoming Connection Starved. Recent books have simplified this further into a “sex starved” situation. However, I think it is one level deeper — connection! Feeling connected, getting connection, and connecting — those are the issues.

Let’s just put together two pieces of connection: emotional connection and physical connection. Those two pieces are the root of many of our issues.

Emotional connection includes having emotional needs met, feeling heard, feeling valued, and feeling as if your spouse cares for you and to be with you. Physical connection is not just about sex. Humans are wired for touch. It can come in many forms: hugs, hand-holding, kissing, caressing, massages, and sex.

My observation is that couples become rather lackadaisical about both areas. They stop talking and listening, sharing feelings, and nurturing connection. Likewise, couples stop attending to their physical connection. Children start getting the hugs, sex slows, and suddenly, the couple has disconnected on both fronts.

Add to this the resentment of having a connection need, but feeling it is unfulfilled. We often forget, since the couple has stopped sharing emotions, that both are feeling the same thing.

In many couples, there is a difference in the necessary connection in each area. One may have a higher need for physical connection and the other a higher need for emotional connection. Over time, when one feels that he or she is not getting enough, it is natural to not give enough. Then, both people are feeling disconnected.

The result? Less connection. More than that, withholding connection. Slowly, the relationship is starved to death. Anger and hurt from feeling rejected takes over, and then the wheels fall off.

You see, my other observation is that as long as each person is getting their quota of connection, they are willing to accept that there are issues. No marriage is without issues. That is a fact of life. But those issues feel insurmountable without connection. With connection comes acceptance.

But remember, we can offer connection and acceptance on our own, when we recognize that we are free to choose our own actions, our attitude. That is part of what I focus on in the Save The Marriage System.

********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.