So let me be clear, I DO NOT pressure people into trying to save their marriages. Obviously, I do think that marriages should be saved, but I leave the decision to do that with the couple. I am not on some crusade to save every marriage. I am, however, available to help people who want to save their marriages.

There are some who simply believe marriage is a bygone relic of past days. Those folks tend to be people justifying their behavior. Marriage has withstood the test of time as a way of 1) raising a family, 2) finding intimacy, 3) growing and developing, and 4) finding happiness and meaning. Not every marriage makes it that far, but the potential is there.

Should every marriage be saved? No, I am quite clear that I do not think people in abusive relationships should save their marriage. That said, the choice to discard a marriage seems to be taken very lightly these days. It is as if there are no consequences.

Yet study after study shows that children are negatively impacted by divorce. Earlier studies showing differently have been disproven.

The emotional toll on the couple is huge. In time, people do recover, but not without time and effort. That same time and effort would likely have yielded a happy marriage. Funny how that works out!

Financially, a divorce can be devastating. The average cost of divorce in the United States? $20,000. That is the average. Saving a marriage? Almost free!

Oh, and that doesn’t factor in the loss of equity in real estate, worth of retirement funds, loss of savings, child support, maintenance, and lots of other costs that people seem to lose sight of on the way out the door.

Do I force people to save their marriages? Absolutely not! Do I think MANY marriages that end could be saved? Absolutely!

Again, it is a couple’s choice on whether to work to save a marriage. I just know that when people are in pain, we become short-sighted and take what we think is the most direct approach to getting rid of the pain. Unfortunately, it often gets us to chase the wrong target.

If you want to know how to save your marriage, count me in. If you’d rather not, I wish you well.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Her question was this: she had acted on some advice in other sources, and now she wanted me to help her “mop up the mess!” And what a mess it was. She got the advice from several big “marriage saving” websites. Only problem was, it had made matters worse — MUCH worse!

First, she had gotten some advice to use reverse psychology. Her husband asked for a divorce, so instead of working to shift that, she gave him what he said he wanted. Reverse psychology is to state or suggest the opposite of what you want, assuming the other person will go in the direction you really want.

Imagine saying to a child, “eat your veggies.” That is direct, and the child may refuse. That could lead to a stand-off. Reverse psychology would be: “Susie, no matter what, don’t eat any of those veggies. Don’t even taste them!” Turn your back, and little Susie is scarfing down those veggies!

This may work, at least a couple of times, with a child. It rarely works on adults. More than that, what happened in the particular case I mentioned? She ended up divorced! Tought to save a marriage when you are handing over a divorce!

Strangely, there started to be some conversation and contact as the divorce process went through. So this woman got some more “advice” from the internet. This was supposed to work magic on bringing someone back. In it, you make the other person jealous, make them miss you. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” you might say.

So, the person writing me said she told her husband that there would be no contact for 30 days. This was bewildering to him. But instead of “driving him wild” to be back with her, he decided that she really didn’t want anything to do with him. With that, he began to date others.

With two pieces of careless advice, my client granted a divorce and stopped all contact — ALL IN THE NAME OF SAVING A MARRIAGE!

The moral of this story: never, ever, ever resort to manipulation or trying to make a spouse jealous as a route to marital bliss. Manipulation backfires. In the end, both methods were manipulation. So, if you look at a piece of information and think “that really doesn’t sound right to me” or “that is really not my morals,” don’t choke it down and say “but I guess I’ll try it anyway!” Hold onto your commonsense, even in the midst of a crisis!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.