Posts Tagged :

marital advice

3 Reasons Your Efforts Might Fail
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

WillAnythingWorkOver and over, people tell me about their “unique” situation, doubting that my System would do anything for their marriage problem.  Deep down inside, we all believe we are “special,” unique, and beyond the information that is out there.

My belief is that there are some commonalities to why marriages work.  A marriage in trouble does need to do some repair work.  But even that process is doing what works — following the “laws” of a marriage.

But over and over, I watch people hit the same spot in their efforts. . .  and fail.  I call these the Points of Failure.  There is a Primary Fail Point, which I won’t cover in this podcast.  It is big enough that it needed an extensive training that I provide for VIP members.

Another 3, though, are critical to know and avoid.  They are:

  1. Not being accountable/taking responsibility (this has NOTHING to do with blame or fault),
  2. Not having a plan/not preparing,
  3. Not following a system or approach.

These are such important points, and so easily missed.

Listen to this week’s podcast, so you understand the Fail Points, and know how to avoid them.

Important Resources:
Save The Marriage System
VIP Program (if you already have the System)
Follow me on Instagram for inspiration

End Your Dance of Hurt and Blame
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

End the dance of hurt and blame.Hurt.  Blame.  Hurt.  Blame.

The dance goes round and round, each person dancing the steps.  That dance isn’t fun.  But it certainly seems to be a popular dance for couples!

Every relationship has its unique “dance,” and both people generally stick to the same steps. . . until it doesn’t work anymore.

Then, the marriage can easily lapse into trouble.

Unless you decide to change the dance.

Since we are on this dance theme, many people tell me, “Well, it takes two to Tango.”  True.

And if you are married, you two are dancing.  In other words, the dance is already in progress.  But you know what?  In every dance, someone can choose to “lead” in a different way, choose to dance some different steps.  And maybe even decide to change the music and dance a different dance entirely.

Tired of the dance you are in?

Stop the “dance of blame and hurt!”

RELATED RESOURCES:
Finding Your Why
Showing Up
Connection Resources
Save The Marriage System
VIP Program

 

4 Marriage Crisis Mistakes To Avoid
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

4 marriage crisis mistakes to avoid.A marriage crisis doesn’t ever start as a crisis. It may start as a deficit in action or understanding, inattention, neglect, or some small altercation.

But it can spread over time, engulfing the entire relationship in crisis.

Many times, people tell me, “I should have taken action long ago, but _______.”

Fill in the blank with:

  • “I didn’t know what to do.”
  • “I didn’t know we were in trouble.”
  • “I was afraid to do anything.”
  • “I was afraid I would make it worse.”
  • “I shouldn’t be the one who has to do something.”

Mistakes along the way begin to escalate the marriage problem, until it is a full-blown marriage crisis.  Then what?

Then, you have to avoid these 4 mistakes.  (My bet is that the first mistake has already been made.)

Learn what the mistakes are, and how to avoid or correct them.

RELATED RESOURCE:
Save The Marriage System

 

3 Relationship Killers (and 3 Nurturers)
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

3 Relationship Killers.It may not be on purpose.  But many couples commit relationship murder.  They kill their relationship by accident.

So far, I have NEVER had someone tell me they intentionally set out to slay the marriage.  But the result is the same.  Voluntary or involuntary, the killing of the relationship is the same.

Let me just warn you that these relationship killers sneak in.  And that is why they are so dangerous.  You may not even see them coming.  And you may not see the results. . . until later.

The good news:  there are also some things that nurture a relationship.  (It isn’t ALL bad news!)

Let me share the nurturer’s too!

First, we want to be clear about what to avoid.  But next, we want to be clear on what to pursue.  How to nurture the relationship.

What killers and nurturers did I miss?  Let me know in the comments area below.

 

5 Ways Your Hurt and Pain Keep You Stuck
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

How your hurt and pain keeps you stuck.“James” and “Tina” are like many people who have contacted me over the years.

James and his wife had been struggling for years.  Arguments, fights, and conflicts had cut into their love for each other.

While James believed there was still love there, he knew it was buried deep for both of them.  James spent lots of time licking his wounds, remembering the struggles — and usually seeing that he had been “done wrong.”

He contacted me because James didn’t want to end his marriage.  But he didn’t know what to do.  He was stuck.

Tina’s husband just left one day.  They had not been fighting.  Really, neither had ever been much on arguing.

On his way out the door, Tina’s husband said, “I just don’t feel anything.  I need to clear my mind and see what comes up.”  And he was gone.

Tina was devastated.  What had she done?  Why had she been abandoned?  Tina wrote to say, “I don’t want a divorce.  But I didn’t do this.  Why should I have to do anything?”

Pain and hurt.  We avoid those feelings, but they still come to us.  That’s a part of life.

But sometimes, the pain and hurt can keep us stuck.  Ironically, when pain or hurt keeps you stuck, you generally only get more pain and hurt.  In other words, the “stuck” just keeps us in a cycle of getting more of what we want to avoid.

Is there another option?

Let’s discuss why pain and hurt keep you stuck and the games you play because of the hurt.  Then, let’s discuss a way to get un-stuck.

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Games and Hidden Agendas
Responsibility and Marriage
Forgiving the Hurt
Save The Marriage System

 

11 Things Happy Couples Do Differently: Companionship (part 3)
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Happy couples are no different than unhappy couples.  They have similar backgrounds, same jobs, same income levels, and same interests.

But they do some things differently.  And those differences in how they do conflict, connection, and companionship, make all the difference.

Changes in action lead to changes in trajectory.  That leads to changes in outcome.

But what if you could extrapolate those differences, and add them into YOUR relationship.

Well, for the past three episodes, that is what we have been doing.

In the first episode, we looked at how happy couples do conflict differently.

In the second episode, we looked at how happy couples connect with each other differently.

In this week’s episode, we turn to how happy couples treat each other differently, as individuals.  This is about how they treasure their companion and protect their relationship.

Successful couples see themselves as a team, a unit, a WE (as I call it).  But that WE is made up of two individuals.  Those two individuals create the strongest WE when they are strong, themselves.  When they develop and grow, the bring that growth and energy into the relationship.

More than that, happy couples create and maintain boundaries around their relationship.  They protect and treasure the relationship.  They support and treasure each other.

Learn how happy couples treat their companionship in this week’s podcast episode.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Being a WE
Working On Yourself
Being Your Spouse’s #1 Fan
Come Together or Fall Apart
Save The Marriage System

 

4 Foundations Of A Forever Marriage
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

4 foundations of a forever marriage.I’ve asked the question many times:  “What is the foundation of a strong marriage?”

I usually get the same response:  “love.”

In your mind, please now hear the “Buzzzz” sound, indicating that answer is wrong!

Please understand:  I am not opposed to love.  I deeply love my wife.  I do not believe that a loveless marriage is the aim.

I simply do not believe that love is the foundation of a strong, enduring, lasting, forever marriage.

Here is why:  when love is seen as the foundation, you have nowhere to go when the feelings of love ebb.  Those feelings DO ebb in every relationship.  It is just the nature of such intimate relationships.

And, if you want the real secret, the 4 foundations, when followed, DO lead to love (both the action and the feeling).

What do I mean by “foundation?”  Over the weekend, my wife had HGTV on.  So, by default, I was “watching” the show (I will admit to nothing more than that!).

As is prone to happen on this particular show, they tore down the walls to rebuild — and discovered that things were amiss!  The foundation was failing and the house was sinking.

The foundation is what supports the rest of the structure.  Without a strong foundation, the structure of the house (and a marriage) begins to sink and crumble.  The stronger the foundation, the safer the structure (your relationship and your family).

Here is the good news:  when you understand the foundations, you can spot the weaknesses and either rebuild or reinforce.

Ready to discover the 4 foundations of your forever marriage?  Listen below.

Note:  I mention 2 interviews in the podcast.
HERE is the link to my interview with Gary Chapman.
HERE is the link to my interview with Bob Grant.

 

Time To Really Show Up In Your Marriage!: #50 Save Your Marriage Podcast
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Show up in your marriage!We all do it.  We play it small.  We try to “slide by,” avoid the conflict, and hope something will change.

If you find yourself doing that, time to stop!  Life happens, problems end, and relationships improve, only when we finally commit to showing up.

Being present can radically change your relationship.  Really being there, present and attentive, can change your entire life.

So why don’t we show up?  Past hurts, fears, anger, resentment — they all can get in the way.

But letting those emotions and concerns get in your way only limits your life.  They only keep you trapped.

Free yourself and discover how to show up in this week’s podcast.

Let me know what you think in the comments area below!

5 Steps To A Midlife Marriage Mess; 5 Steps Through A Midlife Marriage Mess: #46 Save Your Marriage Podcast
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

How to save your marriage in a midlife crisis.Midlife crisis.  It is the brunt of many jokes.  Some people say there is no such thing.  Evidently, they have never had a spouse go through a midlife crisis.

Some people scoff at people who buy a new sports car, change their diet/exercise/activities/friends, look for another love interest, change careers, or any other “symptom” of the crisis.  But this misses the reality, depth, and pain of such a crisis.

There are 5 steps that create a midlife marriage crisis, and there are 5 tasks required to successfully navigate the crisis.

If you are trying to survive a midlife crisis of a spouse, you will want to tune in and learn about why the crisis is there, how it can be useful, and how to change the outcome, so you can save your marriage (and your sanity!).

Did you know this crisis can be an opportunity for growth?

Did you know this crisis may propel your relationship to a whole other level (much deeper and satisfying)?

Did you know there are ways to keep the crisis from getting stuck?

Learn the 5 steps in and out, so that you can change the direction of a downward spiral, revive your marriage, and become healthier from it all.

Let me know what you think in the comments area below!

7 Steps To A Marriage Saving Mindset: #45 Save Your Marriage Podcast
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Save your marriage by reaching for more.If you have decided to save your marriage, you have REACHED toward something many people don’t.

Saving your marriage can be a difficult process.  It will challenge you emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.  And in the process, you can choose whether to fall victim to the process or be transformed by the process.

In this podcast, I invite you to be transformed.  In fact, I offer you 7 steps that will allow you to transform your mindset, your life, and quite possibly, your marriage.  If you follow these 7 steps, you will find a path of growth.  If you do not, you may find yourself caught in blame and misery.

Please take a listen and let me know what you think.  Would you add any other steps?  How have you already taken some of the steps?  What steps WILL you take?  Commit to the change and let us know in the comments area below.