Posts Tagged :

marriage advice

“How I Saved My Marriage”
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

HowYouSavedYourMarriageMany times, in the midst of trying to save a marriage, the anxiety and fears can lock you up, overwhelmed with what to do next.

When that happens, the outcome is often a lack of change, motivation, or action.

And things continue in the downward spiral.

So today, I want to invite you to use your imagination — a little Jedi mind trick.  Imagine that you DID save your marriage.  You HAVE created a loving, supportive, respectful marriage.  You look forward to spending time together.  Your issues resolve themselves peacefully and effectively.

Now, you are looking back to see what you did, in order to save your marriage.  You notice how you approached the situation, how you dealt with the issues, and how you moved forward — even in the face of frustration and difficulties.

In today’s podcast, we reflect on “what you did” to save your marriage — and by doing that, we create a path for you to do just that:  Save Your Marriage.

Listen below.

(and if you are ready to take action, CLICK HERE FOR MY SYSTEM)

Games Couples Play — Are YOU?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Games Couples PlayGames should be fun.  But the games we are talking about today are NOT fun.

These are patterns of interaction and communication.

The design is to get a need met.  But behind it is a dysfunction.  It may be a lack of clarity in what someone wants or expects.  It may be an unwillingness to say what a person wants or needs.  It may be a false expectation of how things should be.  But somewhere is a false belief.

And that false belief — along with the effort to fulfill that belief — is what leads to the (destructive) game.

Are you playing one of these games?

 

3 Reasons Your Spouse Doesn’t See A Change
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

SpouseDoesntSeeChangeYou’ve been working hard.  You’ve been trying to make some personal changes, growing and expanding yourself.  You’ve been trying to build a connection with your spouse, slowly and steadily.

You feel good about what you are doing.  You believe you are gaining grown.

But then, your spouse doesn’t notice any change at all!

What happened?  Why can’t your spouse see the changes?

It can be challenging, frustrating, hurtful, and downright defeating.  But there is a reason your spouse isn’t noticing (or admitting to noticing) the changes.

In fact, there are 3 reasons why your spouse doesn’t see the changes.

Let’s take a look at the 3 reasons, and start creating a strategy to make those changes visible.

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Save The Marriage System
VIP Program (If you have the System and are ready to Up Your Game)

 

Apathy. . .
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

DealingWithApathySo, what DO you do when apathy strikes?  It might be YOUR apathy.  But more likely, it will be your spouse’s apathy.  It just seems there is no emotion, no care, no concern.

What IS apathy?

What does it mean?

Why does it happen?

And most importantly, what can you do about it?

This week, we explore dealing with YOUR apathy, then dealing with YOUR SPOUSE’S apathy.

RELATED RESOURCES
You Are The Best Tool
Dealing With Disconnection
“Too Little, Too Late”?
Start With What Is
You Need A Plan
3 C’s Of Saving Your Marriage
Dealing With Anxiety
No Contact Is Crap
No Reverse Psychology
Interview with Gary Chapman
Save The Marriage System

Why “I’ll Try Anything” Is NOT A Plan
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

"I'll do anything" is NOT a plan to save your marriage!Desperation.  It is never a good guide.  Desperation leads you down any and every approach.  And in the process, you get nowhere.

I know, because I have seen it happen.  Someone will say to me, “I’ll try anything to save my marriage.”  And they try everything.

Book after book, resource after resource, and unfortunately, trick after trick.  They leave themselves exhausted and their spouse confused.

Doing “anything” often ends up being “everything,” which ends up doing “nothing.”

What a difference, though, when someone finds an approach that agrees with their ethics and worldview, from someone who is qualified to help, that matches their situation, and passes the “smell and taste test,” as well as the “mirror test.”

The marriage has a chance.  The relationship can get some traction.

We live in a world full of information.  That information is not the same as knowledge, and often far from wisdom.  It’s just information.

Learn why “doing anything” is dangerous, and the 5 steps to assessing everything you see.  You CAN create a plan that works, with an approach that fits, when you know how to assess the information.

RELATED RESOURCES
Need A Plan
Wishing And Hoping Is NOT A Plan
What Therapists Don’t Tell You
Showing Up
“No Contact” Is Bad Advice
Another Bit of Bad Advice
Save The Marriage System

Top 10 Myths of Saving Your Marriage
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Top 10 Myths of Saving Your Marriage.Let’s just start with a question I hear all the time:  “My spouse doesn’t want to work on the marriage.  So, there is nothing I can do, right?”

Wrong.

This is one of the top myths about saving your marriage.

I work with many people who are trying to save their marriage with a spouse who is not willing to work on the relationship.

But there are other myths.  For example, many people believe they need to “just talk it out,” or take a big trip, buy a house, have a child. . . .  And yet, none of these work.  All myths of saving your marriage.

Or how about the number of people looking for some hint, trick, or tip that will do it.  People want that simple little “mind trick” (some Jedi, ninja, CIA, reverse-psychology, NLP “thingy”) that will turn things around.  Myth.

But that doesn’t mean that you can’t save your marriage!  Just that you don’t want to get “suckered” by one of the myths.

Want to know the Top 10 Myths of Saving Your Marriage?  Listen below.

Want to know how to truly save your marriage?  CLICK HERE

RELATED RESOURCES:
Top 10 Myths of Marriage
Top 10 Myths of Marital Therapy

 

Lessons From Over 1/4 Century Married — Anniversary Message
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Lessons from my marriage.  27 years and counting.My wife and I quietly celebrated 27 years of marriage together last week.

In some ways, it seems like that day was just a short while ago.  In other ways, it seems like we have been married forever (and I mean that in a good way).

We stood, side-by-side, in the heat of a summer day, promising to love and cherish each other.  I think we have done a pretty darn good job.

I will never do it perfectly.  But I keep working on perfecting it.

It occurred to me that I have learned some lessons along the way.  I wanted to share those lessons with you.  Partly, I share to remind myself of our journey.  And partly, I share in the hopes it is helpful.

Let me know what you think!

 

Love Is A Gift, Not A Transaction!
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Love is a gift, not a transaction.You try to show love to your spouse. . . and you get nothing in return.  You try to let your spouse know how much you love your spouse. . . and you get nothing back.

Let me say that I do not think it is alright to be in a relationship where none of your needs are met.

But I want to challenge you:  are you doing those things, so that your needs will be met?

If so, you are not giving love, you are trying to make a transaction: “I do this for you, so you do that for me.”

That is a recipe for hurt and pain.

Love is a gift.  And only when it is freely given can it be accepted without manipulation or expectation.

Let me say that again:

Love is a gift, not a transaction.

Sometimes, I hear a spouse complain, “I always think there are strings attached.  It feels so needy and manipulative.”  While they can’t quite put there finger on it, this is the reason.  Their spouse is doing “loving” things, but not without strings attached, expectations just below the surface.

This behavior often grows into a relationship, contaminating it.  At first, you do things because you want the other person to know how much you care.  Then, over time, it is more and more about feeling cared for.  Maybe it is a hug, hoping for a hug in return.  Perhaps it is an “I love you,” so you can be assured of an “I love you” back.  Or maybe it is a “backrub,” with hopes and pressure it will lead to more.

Love is a gift, freely given.

Transactions are for businesses and banks.

The gift of love is only felt as love, when it is given with no strings attached.

Let’s talk about it in today’s podcast!

RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE PODCAST:
The Balance Book Marriage
Interview with Gary Chapman – Love Experiment2 Necessary Feelings
Save The Marriage System

Treat Your Marriage Like A Baby!
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Treat your marriage like a baby!Sometimes, it is helpful to have a mental image or idea in mind, to help you navigate spaces.

Marriage is an idea you don’t fully understand until you are in it.

Unfortunately, there is plenty of time to make mistakes, all while trying to figure it out.

We forget that training for marriage only happens “on the job.”  Which is why it shouldn’t be a surprise that so many people feel hurt and neglected in their relationships.

So, in this week’s podcast, I want to provide an image and consider the implications.

What if you treated your marriage (not your spouse, but the relationship) like a baby?  What would that change?  (An astute reader made this observation, and I thought it was powerful.  Powerful enough to share.)

Listen and let me know what you think!

(Ready to learn more about caring for your marriage and healing it?  Grab my Save The Marriage System HERE.)

Bad Marriage Advice! Don’t Say This!
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Don't say "I Will Change."  Bad advice!There is a plethora of marriage advice out there.  Much of it promises to save your marriage.  Some of it is good.  Some is fine.  And some is dangerous.

The other day, I was reading an article by someone, proclaiming 3 words that would save your marriage.

That caught my attention!  And then, it caught my ire.  The advice was bad.

At best, the suggestion will do little to help your marriage.  At worst, it will cause more resistance to your efforts to actually save your marriage.

Here is the 3 words to NOT say:  “I will change.”  Those are the 3 words, promised to stop a divorce.

And those 3 words will either “fall on deaf ears,” or greatly increase the anger and frustration of your spouse.

Why?

I share my thoughts on this in the free audio podcast below.

If you don’t listen, at least heed my advice and avoid saying “I will change.”  Listen, though, for some better suggestions.

And when you are ready to take action, check out my Save The Marriage System.