We can all be clear that Fido was not sitting there thinking “dinner bell just rung, so here comes my dinner!”  Yet that is exactly what his body was doing, getting ready for dinner.

Are we so different than the dog?  Oh, sure, we can think in words, so we can do a little reasoning.  But we are still creatures of conditioning.  When we go to a movie, popcorn suddenly sounds good.  When we hear the icecream truck, we start thinking about how good that icecream would taste (Talk about a business taking advantage of Pavlov’s research!  Kids salivating at the ringing of a bell!), when we hear the angry tone in our spouse’s voice, our stomach tightens.

See how I dropped it in there?  Indeed, Pavlov and his dog have a great deal to do with our marriage.  And here, they have a good bit to do with our saving our marriage.

You see, we condition each other in a marriage.  Over time, it is as if both of us are Pavlov, and each of us is the dog, simultaneously.  At the same time I am being conditioned, I am conditioning.

**SIDE NOTE:  if you are not familiar with the term “conditioning,” it is a term from psychology that talks about how a behavior is structured by a set of inputs.  When I “condition” my dog to sit on command, I get him to sit, then reward him.  First input, my command to sit.  First response (hopefully), he sits.  Second input, I reward him.  Second response (if all has gone well), he learns that if he sits on command, he gets a treat!**

Now let me be very clear here.  I am NOT calling your spouse a dog.  I AM stating that we humans also respond to this “stimulus-response conditioning.”  In fact, we have so much coming at us that we do many things on automatic, as we just can’t think through everything.  So, our brain takes shortcuts.  We learn a response, and we use it over and over.  Sometimes, it is helpful.  Sometimes, it is not.

Imagine for a moment that you are sitting at the table, working on the bills.  In walks your spouse with what you interpret as a scowl on their face.  Without really processing it, your brain notes that it has seen that look before, and things did not go well.  So, trying to shortcut the problem, you say “what’s wrong with you?”  What you might not notice is something your spouse noticed:  a little edge in your voice.  Ouch!

“Nothing is wrong.  Why do you always assume something is wrong?”  Already, you have been trying to figure out how to get the bills to fit into the money available, and already have some adrenaline running through your system.  And that is all it takes.  Each of you have a bit of fuel thrown onto your flames.

In seconds, a quiet afternoon erupts into a relational wildfire.  And as both of you keep digging into your bag of learned tricks, you find more and more fuel to dump on the flames.  Soon, every weakness, slight, and pain from the years of your relationship are heaped onto the table.  And there seems little way out.

Sound familiar?  Change the circumstances just a bit.  Do they fit the pattern for you?  Or perhaps you have followed that path so many times that you have another conditioned response:  silence.  Freezing silence to prevent the fire.  It just doesn’t seem worth it anymore.

One of the things we humans do not like to admit is how much we work on automatic, how much we are conditioned to respond.  We pretend that only animals are that easily influenced.  Somehow, our higher capacity of thought is supposed to keep that from happening(!), but nothing is further from the truth!  MUCH of our lives is run on a simple “stimulus-response” capacity.

So why not use that to your advantage?  Why fight it?  Instead, befriend conditioning and make it work FOR you!

First, consider what ALL the research shows:  positive conditioning is MUCH more powerful than negative conditioning.  In other words, if you want to try to use conditioning, reward the behavior you like. . . and ignore the behavior you don’t like.  You see, when you give negative conditioning, you are still conditioning FOR the behavior.

Let’s think back to the toddler years.  A child is walking through the aisles of the store, sees a toy he MUST have, and tries to get you to buy it.  You refuse.  He melts down, goes to the floor in tears, and wails as if he is on the edge of death.  You:
a) grab that toy and buy it (positive conditioning for negative behavior),
b) grab that boy and drag him out of the store (negative conditioning for negative behavior, showing him that his fit DID get a response),
c) stare at him quietly, giving no cues to what you think, but giving him that slight “you look foolish, and it ain’t working” bemused look.

Outcome to a):  he will throw a fit whenever he wants something.  Outcome to b):  he will throw a fit when he wants your attention.  Outcome to c):  he learns that the fit does not work, so he gives it up.

Application:  when your  spouse does something you like, let him/her know it, loud and clear!  If your spouse does something you don’t like, as long as it falls short of abuse or danger, ignore it.

Back to the bill-writing episode of the spouse with the scowl.  Why even respond?  If something is wrong, isn’t it up to that person to address it, bring it to your attention?  Otherwise, we are training our spouse that we will try to read their mind — a recipe for disaster!

Assume that, unless your spouse approaches you about what is behind that scowl, it is their issue.  It is up to them to address, not up to you to discover.  Let it go, and move on.  Remember, you are conditioned, too.  And you need to recondition yourself.

Second, notice when you are automatically reacting.  Look for it.  Here are some places to look:
a)  when you are repeating the same arguments, and they start the same way,
b)  when you find yourself wondering why your spouse is not responding to some action, expression, or tone you are using (maybe they read this first!).
c)  when you feel your gut tightening, a sure sign that you are caught by some pattern.

Marriages do not suddenly fall apart.  They are taken apart, brick by brick.  Pattern after pattern, conditioned response after conditioned response, the foundation is taken apart.  And marriages are not saved in an instant.  They are rebuilt brick by brick.  But the rebuilding starts when someone decides to stop acting on automatic.

I always venture into a conversation about sex with a bit of trepidation.  Reason being that while few want to talk about sex, everyone has an opinion, and an emotional reaction to the topic.

If you are in a marriage in trouble, and sex is one of the issues, then there is even more energy around this topic, and even more of a chance for emotional responses.

That said, this is a very important topic.  So important, in fact, that I devote quite a few pages to it in my Save The Marriage System.  And a big enough issue that when people report on why their marriage ended, sex is in the top 3 reasons given (along with finances and parenting).

Why is it such an emotionally charged topic?  Simple.  It is one of the taboo topics in our culture.  By the way, you may notice that so are finances and parenting.  How many times have you, at a cocktail party, started a conversation with “how’s your sex life with your spouse?” or “how much money’d you make this year?” or “can I tell you something about your parenting?”  Oh, sure, we talk about these issues with our closest friends, sometimes.  But usually with a good bit of emotion, joking, tears, or because of a crisis.

So, even perspiring a bit, I press on.  Can sex save a marriage?  Can a poor sex life destroy a marriage?  Easy answer:  perhaps.

First, let me say that we humans have a wide range of sexual appetites, both in frequency and style.  So, to think that a marriage is going to have two equally interested partners is fantasy.  And that often begins the troubles.  What starts as a loving gesture of connection begins to be a struggle of interest, and then a struggle of wills.  There is going to be a winner and a loser.  And at that point, a great method of connection begins to be a great method of struggle.

Clearly, since sex ends up being in the top 3 of marriage-enders, it can certainly destroy a marriage.  A power struggle eats away at any marriage, leaving little room for growth, but plenty of space for stagnation.

Marriage is about partnership, being a team, connecting.  Sex is about connection.  Or should be.  So when sex is missing from a marriage, it begins to be a place of struggle.  No longer connection, it begins to be isolating.  Often, at the first stage, one wants sex and the other resists.  Both begin to feel isolated, one pressured and one rejected.  Isolation moves toward disconnection.  Until, at some point, someone decides that he or she “can’t take it anymore,” and decides to make the isolation legal.

So, that really gets us back to the topic at hand:  can sex save a marriage?  I answered already with “perhaps.”  So, let me elaborate a bit.

To be clear, sex is no panacea.  A broken marriage is not going to suddenly be healed by bedroom activity.  In fact, going from no sex to lots of sex can lead to anger and resentment:  “why wasn’t it like this before I decided to leave?”

But sex IS another way to connect and reconnect.  It CAN help move a couple toward renewed commitment and feelings of connection.

Too often, we underestimate how powerful sex is, and how important it really can be.   We often decide it is just about someone wanting to “get off,” or as I heard several times in my office last week, “get release.”  We get into that old “either/or” thing of it is only about the desire for pleasure.  It is possible that sex can be because it feels good AND it leads to connection.  It really is often a “both/and.”  But the more a couple struggles, the harder it is to see this.

People also tend to underestimate the deep feeling of rejection felt by the person who is wanting to have sex.  And since, in many relationships, that falls more and more to one person, it is possible that the person rejecting has not felt that in a VERY long time.

Now, the other side:  sex cannot be about pressure.  It must be about mutuality, and with respect.  Otherwise, it does merely become a physical release.  That does not mean that both are equal in their desire.  Only that both seek to be respectful and understanding of the needs of both.

Can sex improve a marriage?  Definitely.

Ready to save your marriage?  Grab my system HERE.

Time to discover what you need to do if you want to save your marriage, even if you are making mistakes.  Let’s face it:  you are in the midst of a crisis, and most of us do not do well with fear.  But that doesn’t mean there is no hope.  We just need to get you back on track!  Learn how to save your marriage, even if you keep messing up!

You see, I don’t think you should just be saving your marriage to avoid divorce.  I believe you can and should be building an exceptional marriage.  A marriage crisis does not mean you simply limp along into the future.  You grow, learn, develop, and create a marriage much, much better than ever before.

Want to know what can happen?  Watch this video to help you save your marriage.

Fact is, marriages can fall apart, and one or the other spouse doesn’t see it coming, making you wonder “can this marriage be saved?” or “can I save my marriage?”

Start by learning what happened in this video.

We explore this question in this video.