Posts Tagged :

marriage crisis

“Where Do I Focus?”
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Don't know where to put your focus?Whenever I am alone on a long drive, I try to answer all the calls I can.  This past weekend gave me another opportunity.  I delivered my son to college and had an 8 hour drive home.

I answered a call as I was leaving the mountains.  The woman on the call told me she had my System.  But in the midst of the crisis, she needed some shortcut.  She wanted a simple place to focus.

First, I got her to promise me she would read the whole System and apply ALL of it.  She promised she was looking for real guidance.  Not just a trick or easy answer.

I told her there are 2 places of focus, as far as I was concerned.  If I boiled it all down, this gave her 2 “handles” to hold onto as she put her plan together and moved forward.

Sometimes, when you are under pressure, some pretty good things come out of it.  My 2 words of focus for her?  “Respect” and “Connect.”  It was good enough that I wanted to share this with you.

Listen to the podcast below to learn what I mean (even if you don’t feel respect and aren’t feeling connected).  And how to get started!

RELATED RESOURCES:
Having A Plan
Dimensions of Connection
Respect
My System
How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps
Coaching Services

Gratitude In The Midst Of Crisis
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

How to find gratitude in the midst of crisis, marriage or otherwise.Here we are, right at Thanksgiving Day in the United States.  The day we are supposed to be filled with gratitude, feeling thankful for those around us.

Which may feel like a tall order if your marriage is in the middle of a crisis (or if you are in any sort of crisis for that matter!).  What, gratitude when life stinks?

Yep.

In fact, gratitude is even MORE important when we are in the midst of a crisis.  Yes, it is important every day.  But when your life is upside-down, gratitude can help you get it rightside-up.

Is it easy?

Nope.

Is it important?

Yep.  So, let’s talk about finding gratitude (not just having gratitude, but finding it) in the midst of a crisis.

Need more on being thankful and feeling gratitude?  Listen here and here.

Shift from “What Happened?” to “What Now?”
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

WhatHappenedToWhatNowWhen a crisis strikes, we all have a tendency to get stuck in the “What Happened” loop.

We keep going over and over the details, looking for what we missed along the way, looking for the places things could be different.

Many times, we are trying to re-write history, to make it have happened differently, or not at all.  We are, in essence, looking for a way to re-write history.

Unfortunately, we can’t rewrite history.  And the process only serves to anchor us to the problems and pain.

A shift to “What Now” breaks the loop, and creates possibility and potential.  This is where change happens.  This is where reconnection happens.  This is where healing happens.

Are YOU stuck in the “What Happened?” loop?  Time to break it and shift to “What Now?”  Listen to this week’s podcast training for how to make the shift.

RELATED RESOURCES
3 C’s of Change
No Pause In Marriage
Show Up
Forgiveness
Being a WE
Grab the System

 

“The Last Straw”
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

StrawBrokeCamelBackA fight.  An affair.  An indiscretion.  An argument.  Some event.

Suddenly, someone announces “this is over.”

You may point to that event, the moment when things seemed to turn upside down.

But that event was just that:  an event.  It was a “tipping point.”  Almost always, there was a long, slow climb to the top before you “tipped over” the summit.  The straw was being piled on, before that “last straw” broke the camel’s back.

Unfortunately, people tend to get focused on that single event, pointing to the symptom.  Not the problem.

And that makes efforts ineffective.  You are aiming at the wrong target.  Deal with the problem — not the symptom — if you want to make progress.

Listen in for how.

RELATED RESOURCES:
You Need A Plan
Show Up
“Why Are We Fighting?”
We ALL Have Issues
Save The Marriage System

Is Your Marriage On Life Support?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Is your marriage on life support, with someone ready to pull the plug?Is your marriage on life support?  You keep watching as the life slowly leaks away from your relationship.  Maybe you feel powerless to turn it around.  But is it too late?

When a marriage gets into trouble, there are 4 distinct levels to the crisis (this is not the same as the Stages I note in the Quick Start Guide in the System).

Here are the 4 levels:
1)  Marriage Issues:  This comes along early in the relationship, when the fundamentals aren’t addressed.  Beliefs and expectations keep tripping up the couple.
2)  Marriage Problems:  Issues aren’t solved.  So, now there is hurt.  Then fundamentals were never solved, and issues were never solved.  This leads to the hurt.
3)  Marriage Crisis:  The hurt from unresolved problems has led to anger and resentment.  Both are feeling less motivated to do anything.  Both resort to finger-pointing and blame.
4)  Marriage Disaster:  One or both have given up, and apathy is replacing the anger.  Blame is the predominate interaction.

Sometimes, people believe that things are improving, but they are really falling into disaster.  Learn the 3 reasons for this, along with what to do at each level in this week’s podcast below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Tools for Connection
What Happened To The Dream?
We ALL Have Issues
“I Thought Everything Was OK”
Save The Marriage System
VIP Program (If you have the System)

4 Marriage Crisis Mistakes To Avoid
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

4 marriage crisis mistakes to avoid.A marriage crisis doesn’t ever start as a crisis. It may start as a deficit in action or understanding, inattention, neglect, or some small altercation.

But it can spread over time, engulfing the entire relationship in crisis.

Many times, people tell me, “I should have taken action long ago, but _______.”

Fill in the blank with:

  • “I didn’t know what to do.”
  • “I didn’t know we were in trouble.”
  • “I was afraid to do anything.”
  • “I was afraid I would make it worse.”
  • “I shouldn’t be the one who has to do something.”

Mistakes along the way begin to escalate the marriage problem, until it is a full-blown marriage crisis.  Then what?

Then, you have to avoid these 4 mistakes.  (My bet is that the first mistake has already been made.)

Learn what the mistakes are, and how to avoid or correct them.

RELATED RESOURCE:
Save The Marriage System