Posts Tagged :

marriage podcast

“How I Saved My Marriage”
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

HowYouSavedYourMarriageMany times, in the midst of trying to save a marriage, the anxiety and fears can lock you up, overwhelmed with what to do next.

When that happens, the outcome is often a lack of change, motivation, or action.

And things continue in the downward spiral.

So today, I want to invite you to use your imagination — a little Jedi mind trick.  Imagine that you DID save your marriage.  You HAVE created a loving, supportive, respectful marriage.  You look forward to spending time together.  Your issues resolve themselves peacefully and effectively.

Now, you are looking back to see what you did, in order to save your marriage.  You notice how you approached the situation, how you dealt with the issues, and how you moved forward — even in the face of frustration and difficulties.

In today’s podcast, we reflect on “what you did” to save your marriage — and by doing that, we create a path for you to do just that:  Save Your Marriage.

Listen below.

(and if you are ready to take action, CLICK HERE FOR MY SYSTEM)

3 Reasons Your Efforts Might Fail
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

WillAnythingWorkOver and over, people tell me about their “unique” situation, doubting that my System would do anything for their marriage problem.  Deep down inside, we all believe we are “special,” unique, and beyond the information that is out there.

My belief is that there are some commonalities to why marriages work.  A marriage in trouble does need to do some repair work.  But even that process is doing what works — following the “laws” of a marriage.

But over and over, I watch people hit the same spot in their efforts. . .  and fail.  I call these the Points of Failure.  There is a Primary Fail Point, which I won’t cover in this podcast.  It is big enough that it needed an extensive training that I provide for VIP members.

Another 3, though, are critical to know and avoid.  They are:

  1. Not being accountable/taking responsibility (this has NOTHING to do with blame or fault),
  2. Not having a plan/not preparing,
  3. Not following a system or approach.

These are such important points, and so easily missed.

Listen to this week’s podcast, so you understand the Fail Points, and know how to avoid them.

Important Resources:
Save The Marriage System
VIP Program (if you already have the System)
Follow me on Instagram for inspiration

3 Reasons Your Spouse Doesn’t See A Change
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

SpouseDoesntSeeChangeYou’ve been working hard.  You’ve been trying to make some personal changes, growing and expanding yourself.  You’ve been trying to build a connection with your spouse, slowly and steadily.

You feel good about what you are doing.  You believe you are gaining grown.

But then, your spouse doesn’t notice any change at all!

What happened?  Why can’t your spouse see the changes?

It can be challenging, frustrating, hurtful, and downright defeating.  But there is a reason your spouse isn’t noticing (or admitting to noticing) the changes.

In fact, there are 3 reasons why your spouse doesn’t see the changes.

Let’s take a look at the 3 reasons, and start creating a strategy to make those changes visible.

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Save The Marriage System
VIP Program (If you have the System and are ready to Up Your Game)

 

How To Make Each Day A New Start
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

New year, new you; new day, new way.We tend to love the “new.”  A new outfit, new car, new year, new whatever.  It always feels like a fresh start, full of possibilities.  But the newness tends to fade fast.  Then, it is just another outfit, just the car you drive, just another year.

Take that car, for example.  If you are like me, that first ding or dent changes something.  That first stain or damage takes out it out of “new.”  Oh, sure, you keep the car.  But it loses a little of the allure.

Unfortunately, the same is often true with relationships.  A new relationship, without all the history, the hurts and laughs, can seem to be the easiest way.  But it never has the same depth, the same “soul.”

I have this scar on my leg that reminds me of that huge wipeout on a skateboard when I was 13.  I still remember the pain (I don’t remember the actual accident, thanks to cracking my head on a cinderblock).  But I also remember the epic run that led to the accident.  That scar tells me a story (and certainly didn’t keep me from skateboarding!).

Relationships are like that.  We find strength from the struggles.  We find comfort from the joys.  Together, they can knit a powerful relationship.  But too often, we just get mired down in the pains, ready to walk away.

We have to find some way to hold onto the relationship, but release the pains.

One way is to see each day as a new beginning, a new chance.  Not just to keep making the same old mistakes, but to create something amazing.

So, why isn’t each day a new beginning?  Because we stay trapped to the past.  We don’t move forward in new and better ways.  We end up reliving the same day, over and over.

We have a chance to embrace each day as a new opportunity, for ourselves and for our relationship.  In today’s episode, I tell you the 6 steps to take, in order to make each day a new way.

RELATED RESOURCES:
How To Start Your Day
How To End Your Day On A High NoteHow To End Your Day
Self Care
Save The Marriage System
VIP Program

 

Beware The Marriage Monsters! (Halloween Special Edition)
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Beware the monster marriage!When I was 10 or 11 years old, my father took us to my first haunted house.  It was right near our church, and was run by a community group that was fundraising.  My father thought it would be good, clean fun. A few little scares, but nothing else.

The building was old, and scary by itself.  And I should have known when the “ghoul” of a guide jumped out and scared us.  But I innocently followed our guide into that building.

Never since have I been so terrified!  They were not there for us to have a good time.  The volunteers were out to scare us as much as possible!  And it worked.  I was terrified.

Every Halloween, I think back to how scary those monsters were.  All I wanted was to get out of that building.  And I had no idea how.  So, all I could do was keep moving forward, facing one “monster” after another.

Too many times, I see marriages that have become monsters.  They are scary.  They are destructive.  And many times, the people just want out.

But as every old horror movie will show you, every monster has a weakness.  Every monster can be defeated.  IF you know what that monster is about, and you know the monster’s weaknesses.

In honor of the season it is, I wanted to tell you about 5 Marriage Monsters, how they behave, and how to defeat them.

Are You in a Zombie Marriage?Marriage Monster #1:  The Zombie Marriage

In a zombie marriage, the spouses just pass each other, no life in their eyes, barely grunting at each other.  There is no life in the relationship.  They just drudge through the days, their relationship among the “living dead.”

Neither takes action to hurt the other.  But if either one tries to bring life into their relationship, the other sucks those brains right out!

If you could get deeply enough in, neither one wants to be infected by the zombie virus.  But neither does anything to truly change it.

Is it a Frankenstein marriage?Marriage Monster #2:  The Frankenstein Marriage

A Frankenstein Marriage is build innocently.  They had the best of intentions to create new life in the marriage.  But they didn’t know what they were doing.  So, the couple patches a little from here and a little from there.  They do things just like some people, and refuse to do it like other relationships they have seen.

Since they never really knew what they were creating, they never quite get the “soul” into it.  And so, it just wanders the meadows with no clear direction, wreaking havoc with anyone in its path.  The marriage doesn’t even know what is wrong.  Just that something isn’t right.

Is it a Mummy Marriage?Marriage Monster #3:  The Mummy Marriage

Sometimes, people just can’t quite let go of the past.  They just want to dig up the old stuff.  So, off they go on an archeology dig, unearthing old stuff — and releasing mummies along the way.

Those mummies do hurtful things.  They rage over injustices from the past.  They try to live in the present.  And as long as people keep giving them power, they grow stronger.

It seems that people forget that those mummies are just dust on the inside.  One tug on the wrapping, and everything falls apart.  The curse only happens, though, when those dead mummies are unearthed.  Had they only been left alone. . . .

Is it a vampire marriage?Marriage Monster #4:  The Vampire Marriage

Vampires suck their victims of life, then move on.  Usually, they charm their way in, but are only there to get what they want.  Every move is an attempt to position themselves to gain their life-sustaining need, but in the process, sucking the victim dry.

Whenever I hear this phrase from a couple:  “me, me, me,” I know they are suffering from a vampire marriage that will suck them dry.  Marriages are about expressing love, not constantly trying to extract love.

In vampire marriages, people keep score, but only in their own ledger that is constantly weighted in their favor.  They only see what they put in, and what the other person puts in is invisible.  If they were to only look in the mirror, they would see there is no reflection.  They are out for what they can get, but don’t know it yet.

Is it a werewolf marriage?Marriage Monster #5:  The Werewolf Marriage

Many marriages suffer from this monster.  By day, all looks fine.  The mild-mannered marriage goes along its merry way.  But then, as the moon begins to rise (as something triggers the people), they are transformed into vicious creatures, capable of tearing the throats of each other.  They fight, tooth and nail, to satisfy the burning anger.

But as daylight comes, they return to their mortal senses.  And for the most part, they refuse to notice the damage done.  They act as if nothing is wrong.  Oh, sure, deep down inside, they sense that something is amiss.  But they dare not look too closely.

And in the process, they miss the damage that each episode brings.  Others cower and avoid.  They try to find out what the trigger was.  They try to avoid those nights of destruction.

Slay the marriage monsters!Can These Monsters Be Defeated?

Fortunately, every horror film reveals one important fact:  every monster, no matter how scary or destructive, has a weakness.  Every monster can be defeated.

But only if you know the secret.  Only if you know why the monster is there, what the monster’s weakness is, and only if someone is courageous enough to take the monster on.

Courage and information.  That is all you need to defeat your marriage monster.

Identify the monster that has attacked your marriage.  Then listen to the audio below to understand the weaknesses of each.  Then commit to striking down that Marriage Monster!

RELATED RESOURCES:
Original Zombie Marriage Podcast
Show Up
No Ledger
Be A WE

The System
Coaching

(Music courtesy of Purple-Planet.com)
Wishing And Hoping Is NOT A Plan!
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Wishing and hoping is not a plan.I admit it.  I am an information junkie.  If I am interested in something, I read and read before taking action.

Sometimes, though, when something big is in front of us, we forget that last word, “action.”

You can study, read, cogitate, agitate, marinate. . . and do nothing.

Oh, sure, it can feel like you are doing something.  After all, your mind is in overdrive.  But there is no action.

It’s kind of like being stuck in neutral, but revving the engine.  It sounds like something is happening.  The engine is roaring.  But there is no movement.

Why does that happen?

I believe there are 4 barriers.  Here they are:

  1. Fear
  2. Lack of knowledge
  3. Lack of confidence
  4. Lack of desire

Done is better than perfect.We can work through any of them (except the last), and you can move forward with working on your relationship.  But only when you are ready to lean into it.

But you have to get started!

Fear may make you feel like you don’t want to take action.  But fear is really only telling you that it is important.

And you don’t have to get it perfectly.  You have to get started and moving in the right direction.

Let’s get out of neutral and get you headed back to a relationship you can treasure!

Listen to the podcast below.

RESOURCES FROM THE PODCAST:
Your Reason Why To Save Your MarriageHaving A Plan To Save Your Marriage
3 C’s of Saving A Marriage
The Save The Marriage System
Virtual Coaching

 

 

An Interview with Rhoberta Shaler: Kaizen For Couples
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Kaizen is the idea of slow, constant change.  It revolutionized the Japanese auto industry, and can be applied to your life.  You can look for those places of growth, opportunities for change.  They don’t have to be earth-shattering.  They can be gradual.

Dr. Rhoberta Shaler

Dr. Rhoberta Shaler

Today, I have the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Rhoberta Shaler.  Rhoberta has worked for over 3 decades with couples and individuals around the world.  She has expertise in high-conflict relationships, and is skilled in helping people deal with passive-aggressive behavior.

Dr. Shaler has an intimate understanding of passive-aggressive behavior, having witnessed it in her own family as a child.  This has given her empathy for people who act in passive aggressive ways, and those whom must deal with it.

More recently, Rhoberta has developed a system for couples to use, who wish to break through old patterns and form more healthy approaches to their relationship.

kaizenforcouplesIn her book, Kaizen for Couples, Rhoberta gives a full methodology of how couples can shift their patterns of interaction, to be more genuine and honest — and to better meet each other’s needs.

In our discussion together, Rhoberta and I talk about high conflict relationships, dealing with passive aggressive behavior, and how to make constant changes toward growth in a relationship — even if only one person wants to take on the shifts.

Join me as I interview Dr. Rhoberta Shaler.

 

Links mentioned in the podcast:
RelationshipHelpDoctor.com
HighConflictManagement.com
PassiveAggressiveChecklist.com

Love Languages and Marriage: An Interview with Dr. Gary Chapman
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Maybe languages just aren’t my thing.

In high school, I took French.  I switched to Spanish in college.  But my grades weren’t where I thought they should be (foolish me!).  So, I tried out Latin.  THAT was a massive failure!  And since I needed to make it to a literature class before graduating, I went back to French. . . and stumbled through it.

Then, graduate school.  In my Master’s program, the Seminary required Hebrew and Greek.  Youch!  Even the letters were unrecognizable!  In fact I made a deal with my Hebrew teacher.  I promised that if he passed me, I would NEVER use Hebrew, or even admit he had been my professor.

Okay, I DID master a computer language in high school:  BASIC.  That was long before Al Gore (or anyone else) invented the internet.  But I did get that one down (and it is long gone from my brain!).

So, suffice it to say I am now illiterate in 5 languages!

But love languages.  That is a different thing!

Dr. Gary Chapman

Dr. Gary Chapman

There are very few books that I recommend without reservation or explanation.  One such book is The 5 Love Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman.

Dr. Chapman’s idea is elegantly simple, easily grasped, and very implementable.  All elements of a useful resource!

Over and over, I have referred people to Gary’s best-selling book (over 11 million copies sold around the world).  And I even reference his material in my Save The Marriage System.

So, I decided it was time to sit down and chat with Gary.  I wanted HIM to explain his concepts to you.  And I wanted US to discuss how his ideas can radically transform (and even save) your relationship.

But more than that, I wanted to discuss how Dr. Chapman’s ideas apply to all relationships:  family, parenting, work, friends, and spouses.

What finally “lit the fire” for me was a conversation with my daughter.  I discovered that she had been taught about the 5 love languages at college.

What I discovered was a kind, warm, gentle, and insightful person in Dr. Chapman.

As you will hear, Dr. Chapman has a background in anthropology.  He also trained as a religious educator, and received his Ph.D..  Dr. Chapman discovered, in his early days of ministry, the deep need for healing in families.  So, Gary shifted his focus to counseling.

The 5 Love Languages CoverAnd it was “in the trenches” that Dr. Chapman realized how many people were feeling unloved by spouses desperately trying to show love.  Upon looking over his notes, he saw their were 5 categories, languages, of love — ways people understand, feel, and show love.  In our interview, Dr. Chapman covers each one.  But here is a list:

  1. Words of Affirmation
  2. Quality Time
  3. Receiving Gifts
  4. Acts of Service
  5. Physical Touch

(If you are trying to decide on your love language, you can take the quiz at 5LoveLanguages.com )

Listen in as Dr. Chapman and I discuss these 5 love languages.

Toward the end of our conversation, Gary and I discuss a Marriage Experiment.  You will hear us discuss it at length, but I want to invite you to take on the experiment.

Gary and I have created a document that will walk you through the entire process.

Click Here
Grab The Marriage Experiment
Thank you for your interest in trying The Marriage Experiment. We just want to know where to send the information. Please give us your best email and we will send it right over.
CLICK HERE TO GRAB THE MARRIAGE EXPERIMENT GUIDE.[/wpob id="1"]

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How Values Can Save (Or Destroy) Your Marriage: #38 Save Your Marriage Podcast
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Save your marriage by talking about values.What happens when you and your spouse just don’t see eye-to-eye?  How do you get past it?

Perhaps the real issue is about values.  Do you and your spouse share the same values?  Or more precisely, do you and your spouse even talk about your values?

Many times, it is not a matter of values not matching, but of not understanding how your spouse expresses a value.

Or perhaps you believe you and your spouse share the same values, but never really clarified what you mean by the values each of you claim.

This week, I interview one of my very talented Relationship Coaches, Terri Hase, on how to get to the bottom of the values question.

Join Terri and me as we discuss values and how important they are in a marriage.  Oh, and if you want to contact Terri, you can find her at Terri@CouplesTherapyExposed.com

Let me know what you think in the comments area below!

 

The Power of The 4 P’s: #37 How To Save Your Marriage Podcast
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

You may be familiar with my 3 C’s of working on your marriage.  Today, we make a shift and look at the 4 P’s of maintaining your mindset and approach.

How do you save your marriage when you keep getting pulled off balance by the actions (or inactions) of your spouse?  You stick with the 4 P’s.  You shift your mindset to see that this can take some time, that you need to keep on moving forward, but thoughtfully.

“How” you ask?  By focusing on the 4 P’s.  Let me tell you about them in this week’s podcast.

Let me know how YOU stick with the 4 P’s in the comments area below.