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Posts Tagged :

my spouse won’t forgive me

Did Your Apology Fail?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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What if your spouse didn’t respond to your apology? Is it over? Did it fail? Has your marriage failed? Let’s talk about it.You apologized to your spouse… maybe on your own, or maybe because I suggested it.

And…

…

Nothing.  Nada.  Zero.  Zilch.

No change, no difference.

Does that mean that your efforts are over?  That your attempts to save your marriage are a failure?

Just to reassure you, an apology letter with no response does not necessarily mean it was a failure.  And it sure doesn’t mean that your efforts are over.

This week, I am answering Chris’s questions about an apology letter “fail.”  If you have a question, you can submit it at [email protected] for consideration.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Anatomy Of An Apology
Of Apologies and Forgiving
Forgiveness Is NOT A Blank Check
5 Rules for Apologizing
Save The Marriage System
VIP (If you have the System)

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Forgiveness is NOT a Blank Check
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Forgiveness is NOT a blank check: Immutable Law of Marriage.Just to be clear, I am ALL FOR forgiveness.  I have talked about on the Save The Marriage Podcast and on my Thriveology Podcast.

And in a marriage, there are ample opportunities to practice forgiving.  “Every-day forgiving” and big-time forgiving.  In such an intimate relationship, you are going to step on toes, hurt each other’s feelings, make bad decisions — and still have to figure out how to move forward.  You do that by forgiving.

BUT (and this is a big BUT, which is why I capitalized it and bolded it) that does not mean the “forgiven” has carte blanche to keep up the behavior that required the forgiving. (By the way, not to chase a tangent, but did you know that carte blanche means “white card” or “blank card,” meaning a check that is blank, but has been signed?  In other words, a “blank check.”)

When someone is forgiven, it is not permission to do “it” (whatever the “it” is that causes the need for forgiveness).  Forgiving is a decision to move forward.  It may or may not include moving forward in relationship.  But it is deciding to move forward in the face of something that happened.

There is a saying that “the first time is a mistake, the second time is a choice.” I would add, “the third time, on, it is a habit.”  Forgiving something is not an open opportunity to repeat the behavior.

Similarly, an apology is not an opportunity to repeat the behavior.  It is an acknowledgement of a mistake and an opportunity for change.

One apologizes AND takes the opportunity to change (I have a podcast on apologizing).  One forgives, SO THAT the hurt and pain can be left behind.

Listen to the podcast below for more.

(. . . and if you need to catch up on the Immutable Laws Of Marriage series, here are the older episodes:)

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do
#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse
#9 You Have To Show Up
#10 Civility and Respect Is A Choice
#11 Trust Is A Gift

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