In fact, this is the one piece of information I try to get into every person I see BEFORE they get married.  And it is my central goal of working on marriages.

Miss this one, and you will always be caught in malnourished and hobbled relationship.

Ready?  Marriage is about building a WE.  It is about becoming a solid team, always having each other’s back, and always in each other’s corner.

WE.  Get there, and you will have a successful marriage.  Notice, I did not say you would have a trouble-free marriage.  Only that you would have a successful marriage.

Every single marriage in the world has challenges and difficult times. The question is really about how you approach the difficulties, not whether you have them.

Being a WE is what gets you through the difficulties.

First, let’s talk about what this does NOT mean.  This is not being in a permanent “mind-meld” with the other person — liking the same things, wanting the same things, thinking the same things, completing each other’s sentences, blah, blah, blah.

Second, it is not giving up yourself for the other person, or the other person giving him- or herself up for you.

It is about two people deciding — committing — to being a team, a unit, a new entity.  It is about each supporting the other, but also looking out for what is best for BOTH, for “the whole.”

How close to that are you today?

• Do you find yourselves in power struggles?
• Do you argue about money, sex, parenting, and other central issues?
• Do those arguments often end with little-to-no movement?
• Do you feel like you are in a stalemate?
• Do you both constantly keep saying (silently or out loud) “What about me?”
• Do you feel like you are headed in different directions?
• Do you feel the need to disagree or argue your point, even when you mostly or completely agree?

The more you answered “yes” to the above the more you can be sure you have not “made the leap” to being a WE.

Or perhaps you can answer this one question:

• Do I feel more alone than I want to in this relationship?

If that is “yes,” then you know that you are not quite there.
But that doesn’t mean it is your fault!  Quite the opposite.  Unfortunately, our culture does a very bad job in preparing people for marriage.

In other words, nobody told you the goal of marriage was to build a WE, and if they did, they probably didn’t tell you

• a) how to do it, and
• b) how subtle it can be.

Some couples actually make it there, almost by accident.  Others seem to struggle against it, refusing to see the obvious need to get there.

So, let me make a blanket statement:  I have never, in well over 20 years of working with couples, seen a couple who made it to WE end in divorce.  But I have seen, repeatedly, when a couple does not get there, the relationship at least deteriorates over time, often ending.

There are several reasons why people don’t make it to WE.  Quickly, let’s look at why people don’t get there.

Lack of understanding that this is the goal.
This is where our culture has failed us.  We have done a poor job, as a society, of letting peope know this is even what marriage is about.  Thus nearly 50% of marriages end.

Fear of a loss of individuality.
While this is not what happens, since there is so poor of an understanding, people fear this.  Again, this is merely a misunderstanding of what it means to be a WE.

Caught in a Fear/Anger cycle.
So, if you don’t know this is the goal, and you get caught in the ensuing power struggles, over time, the anger builds.  And anger is really a secondary response to fear.  The fear is that you will not get what you need, which triggers a very primitive response, which only leads to more power struggle, more fear, more anger.

Perceptions and Misperceptions of each other.
And once you have slipped into the power struggle, and the anger/fear cycle, you begin to justify the situation.  We all misperceive the other person.  We begin to only see the shortcomings, the lack of investment, etc.  At that point, the perception is that the other person is not on your side.

Which raises the question, “How do you get there?  How do you become a WE?”

Let me assure you it is possible, and it is even possible if one of you is resistant to getting there.

And let me assure you that we humans are actually designed for this.  We are wired to be in relationship, to create that level of relating.

So, what we really have to do is get ourselves out of our own way and let what should happen actually happen — become a WE!

I tackle this in detail in my Save The Marriage System (learn more by CLICKING HERE), but let’s talk a little about how to get there.

Starting Points:

• Do not try to address WE with your spouse.
• Work on YOUR concept of WE.
• Until you understand WE as a concept, you cannot expect your spouse to accept it.

Specific Steps To Being a WE:

Step 1  

• Make a careful examination of the places that you think “you/me” instead of WE.
• Remind yourself that you are part of a WE.
• Ask yourself this, “Where do I need to let my spouse in MY world?”

Step 2

• Train yourself to think in terms of “we” and “us,” not “you” or “me.”
• Whenever there is a decision, ask the magic question:  What is best for US?
• This is a “magic question” because the answer is more creative than “what is best for me” or “what is best for you.”
• It forces you to move to WE.

Step 3

• Accept YOUR FULL RESPONSIBILITY to be a WE, regardless of your spouse’s outlook or actions.
• Refuse to be lured into an “if you don’t, I won’t” approach.
• Invite your spouse into WE by your actions, not your expectations.

Now, time to get started!  Go work on creating the WE you need in order for your marriage to survive and thrive!

Ready to find out exactly how to save your marriage?  Visit http://www.SaveTheMarriage.com

This morning, the voice on the phone said “Help! I am desperate! I don’t have time to go through all your material. Just tell me, what can I do RIGHT NOW to save my marriage?”

No, I didn’t laugh. Instead, I was sad. I always am sad when I hear about marriages in such deep trouble. But I am just as sad by the attitude that says “there has to be just ONE thing I can do to turn this around.”

Bad news: there isn’t.

Good news: there are plenty of things you CAN do.

Which led me to think: what can I do to get you some actionable information RIGHT NOW. Not one thing, but what if I can point you in the right direction with a number of small things?

Small things, added together, grow to large things. And large things can make the difference.

As Jack Canfield states, if you even take 5 whacks at a tree every day, no matter the size, one day it will fall.

With that, I decided that I would start a new series: 10 Rules For Saving Your Marriage.

These are rules I have gathered in the last quarter-century of working with couples. They apply to every situation — sometimes crucially and sometimes just enforcing the others. Violate any of the rules, though, and you will see your efforts to be limited, if not useless.

With that, let’s get working to save your marriage — not with ONE thing, but 10!

Stay tuned!

If you want to save your marriage, CLICK HERE and get started with the whole system!

A few minutes later, he locates his iPad, illuminated by rays of light from above. The man grabs his iPad, turns his face upward and says “never mind, God, I found it!”

I chuckled a second time when I read an email from a customer. His marriage is great. Never better. His wife and he are under the same roof, talking, and moving forward.

So, I was a bit surprised that he wanted his money back. What? My material is designed to save a marriage.

Not just save it, but massively improve it.

Not just improve it, but radically alter it, so that the problems never reemerge.

Not just stopping problems, but making it into a world-class marriage.

And the couple is on their way. But he is just not sure if he wants to give me any credit or not.

Huh?

Sometimes, we forget where we were when we were in pain, and pretend we don’t need help.

If you are ready to get help for your marriage, if you are ready to move your marriage not just out of trouble, but to somewhere great, let us know!

We are here, waiting to help YOU!

Their slogan, “for the few to be immortal, many must die”. So, they hoard time, and meanwhile, the masses live, quite literally, minute-to-minute.

So, my analysis of the movie is that it is a very intriguing and thought-provoking idea caught without a decent plot.

But, as I said, it makes you think. Time as the ultimate commodity. What if that was the case?

Oh, yeah. It is! When we make a purchase, we are trading the time it took to make that money for that product. That $5 coffee? Calculate how long it took to make the $5, then decide if it is worth it. And that is without adding in the loss of that $5 for future earnings. We trade our time for our possessions. And experiences. The movie is already true!

But what does that have to do with marriage? Lots!

How much time do we waste acting as if our marriage was worthless? For instance, think of all the time a couple loses in worthless arguing and struggling, somehow pretending that a) there must be a winner, and b) if they keep going, they will arrive at a conclusion.

Scoring points. That is the typical goal in most arguments. “Let me prove my point, and then you will see I am right.”. But how many of those arguments are just differences of opinion? Take those out, and you have a 90% reduction in arguments, making the other 10% much easier to solve.

Or how about how much time we spend unhappy, but unwilling to really work at it?

Now, some will use this as rationale for divorce. Get out of a bad relationship and move on.

If only it were that easy! People greatly underestimate the devastation of a divorce. It is crippling to kids, adults, finances, etc., etc., etc.

But being stuck isn’t the answer. Here’s the deal, pointed out in the movie: we are going to die. How we spend the time between here and there is our only choice. Wasting it in conflict, or using it to build a treasured relationship?

Your choice.

. . . Except for all the relationships that end over the holidays!  Divorce attorneys hear the phones ringing.  People are dividing up property, arguing and fighting, and finding themselves at the end of a relationship.

Are you surprised?  Or perhaps that is exactly what landed you here.

We humans seem to like to pick arbitrary points in time.  So, some people have said to themselves, “I will end this by the end of the year.” Or “I will be gone by Christmas.”

Others see the opportunity of school being out to make a transition.  They somehow imagine that breaking up a family will be better done while the kids are on break!

So, the holidays see a spike in breakups.  And suddenly, the joy of the season is replaced by pain and resentment.  In fact, the holidays, from then on, mark the breakup.

How sad.  And how useless.  In the consumer world that seems to too often mark this season, we do the same with relationships:  “this relationship just isn’t as fun as it once was.  Time to move on.”

Ah, the love of the bright, shiny and new!  The allure of the merchandise in the window is no different than the allure of a new relationship.  One we imagine to be free of defects and problems.

If I look in my basement, I see any number of electronic items that tell me that we humans are only fooling ourselves, whether it is the new electronics or the new love interest.

Might you revive your relationship?  Might you save your marriage?  Discover how by CLICKING HERE.  Give yourself a present that really matters!

So, let’s be clear — saving a marriage is tough work!  It requires you to set aside the pain you feel and move forward.  It means setting aside anger and resentment and choosing to relate.

Said another way, it requires us to get out of our lizard brain and back into our sensible brain.

We all have that lizard brain deep within our head.  It is the part that tries to avoid pain at all costs, the one that calculates it is easier to avoid than deal with the tough stuff.

Your lizard brain is constantly telling you what to fear, what it thinks can hurt you — which, by the way, is just about everything.  That part of you that keeps saying “but what if I try, and my spouse rejects me?” or “what if I do/say the wrong thing?” or the one that says “nothing is worth this.”

The sensible part, the one we humans pretend is really in charge, hears that deep voice, and then pretends it makes sense.  But one step back, that brain knows that 1) there are no guarantees in life, 2)  sometimes, life hurts, but that doesn’t mean we should shrink away, and 3)  there are things like family, commitment, and love, that make the pain bearable.

When you find yourself wanting to give up, to get away from the pain, take a step back.  Give yourself a chance to breathe.  Then ask “can I keep trying?”, “am I really ready to quit?”, “am I willing to really give it my best shot?”  If you decide you really want to quit, just make sure that lizard brain hasn’t hijacked the rest of you.

And when you are ready to keep on moving forward, to find a way, find your answer on how to save your marriage here.

The largest evidence used is the divorce rate.  We quickly spout off the divorce rate as 50%, but we are noticing the actual rate is in the 40%’s.  So, while not 1/2, way to many people are unable to save their marriage and end in divorce.

Interestingly, statistics show that most people average between 4 and 10 jobs in their adult life, many ended in firings, yet I don’t hear cries for ending work, calling it an outdated idea (as much as many would like to!).

Why does marriage get a bad rap?  Perhaps the real issue is our way of preparing people for marriage is not just outdated, but non-existent.  People have a very low RQ (relationship Quotient).  They don’t even understand what creates a successful marriage.  So when a marriage cannot be saved, when a divorce cannot be stopped, do we blame the couple or think that perhaps society has failed them?

But the idea that marriage is outdated misses one central and unavoidable need of humans:  a constant and consistent connection with someone.  Isn’t that really what we are all seeking when we fall in love?  Someone to spend our lives with, to lean on (and be leaned on), to live in mutual support?

We have that need hard-wired into us.  A great deal of research on attachment theory has proven that if this need is not met, we actually suffer physically, psychologically, and emotionally.  In other words, we are wired for intimate relationship.  We are wired, in other words, for marriage.

The real problem is not with an outdated idea, but with a lack of education and understanding on how to sustain and grow a marriage.

It is much easier to learn how to build a marriage than struggle to figure out how to save your marriage.  People could stop a divorce by knowing how to build a marriage.   That really is the issue, isn’t it?

What do you think?

John and Susan were caught in that process.  In day-to-day life, a wonderful marriage slowly decays when energy isn’t added in.  That was true for these two.  John was running after a successful career.  Susan was working, but had eyes on a family.  While both felt the stress, they decided “now or never,” and launched into parenthood.

Time was eaten up by children’s events and work demands. . . or at least that is what Susan and John kept telling themselves.  But in reality, every day, they chose to NOT spend time connecting, NOT spend time together, NOT nurturing their relationship.  And like any neglected muscle, their love began to atrophy.

For a while, life can pull you through this.  But eventually, the relationship finally rises to consciousness.  Unfortunately, neither John nor Susan thought “Wow, I am really not putting into this relationship.”  Instead, both began to ask themselves, “what am I getting out of this?  Where is the love coming toward me?”  Unfortunately, right after asking themselves that question, each answered with “if I am not being loved, I am going to stop reaching out with love.”

The relationship further deteriorated.  But now, instead of benign neglect, it was fueled by anger and resentment.  John finally announced, “I have had enough.  You don’t love me, I don’t love you.  I am leaving.”

Susan was devastated.  She told folks “I knew we had problems, but I thought we had made a commitment.”  But in her own head, she was thinking, “How dare he say I wasn’t loving him.  HE wasn’t loving me!  This is HIS fault.”  And John was equally convinced that Susan was at fault.

The moments of doubt, about how each might have played a role, was justified in each of their minds, pushed away by blame.

Was there a way out?  Yes.  Would it be easy?  No.

If either had set aside blame, and decided to release their hurt, anger, and resentment, there was a possibility.  Either could have reached out toward the other, providing love and support.  That might have saved their relationship, and restored the flow of love between them.

A seemingly easy thing to do, but hard in practice.  Why?  Because we humans are so good at self justification.  We continue to use our own thoughts to prove our reality.  And we all have one well-established tape playing in our minds:  “It’s NOT my fault!”

It really isn’t either person’s fault, but that message keeps either from asking “what can I do to change this?” and then acting on it.

Marriage is about reaching out, over and over, toward the other, until it is a habit.  Sometimes, it is made for difficult by anger and resentment.  Sometimes, it is flexing atrophied muscles.  But sustained effort in the direction of the other can save your marriage.

Don’t be sucked down the whirlpool!  Reach our toward the other.  Ignore that voice saying “it isn’t my fault,” or “why should I reach out?” or “I will if he/she will.”  To quote one company, “Just do it!”  Reach out in love, and see what happens!

In the video from TED (one of my new favorite sites), Ric discusses, in just a few minutes, how the event transformed his life, including his marriage.

Having been through a health crisis, I can tell you:  looking at your mortality turns your world upside down.  It makes you very clear on what is important and what is not.

Relationships, they are important.  Everything else becomes trivial.  The argument of the day?  Trivial.  Busy work?  Trivial.  Invest in what is important — and marriage is THE relationship upon which I suggest you focus.

So, for just a second, while considering saving a marriage, let me reflect from a distance on the two primary reasons marriages get into trouble, and what ultimately leads to broken marriages.  And they are interlinked.

Reason 1:  Marriages get into trouble because couples fail to forgive.

Reason 2:  Marriages get into trouble because couples fail to grow.

From there, everything else spins out.  Now don’t get me wrong, I do not think you should be a door mat, always ready to forgive anything without any change.  But how often do we continue to drag the accumulated small stuff around — for years, if not decades?  All without forgiveness.

The problem is, when we don’t forgive, we disconnect, just a little bit.  We keep parts of ourselves out, withhold emotions, affections, thoughts, etc.  We begin to strangle the relationship.  Over time, the unforgiveness takes root and becomes resentment.  Resentment is the poison of any relationship.

Think of it as carbon monoxide.  It slowly keeps the life-giving oxygen from getting to the body.  And you don’t even notice, save the headache!  And once it is in, it takes time to get it out.

Then, there is the growth/change bit.  I truly believe we have only two options:  growing or rotting.  Ray Kroc said, “you are either green and growing or ripe and rotting.”  Stop growing and changing, and you are dying.

In a relationship, even more so.  I don’t know how many people I have seen that have stopped growing relationally when they married.  They start acting like they have the relationship, so there really is no reason to keep moving forward.  Over time, couples get into ruts, stuck in routines, and mostly stuck keeping each other a bit apart.

What if you decided today, without any change on your spouse’s part, to forgive your spouse for all those things that have piled up, and decided to grow?  Would that save your marriage?

First, listen to that voice saying “what about my spouse?  What do they have to do?”  Unfortunately, it is just you and me, so you can only change you.  So start with what you CAN change, and don’t focus on what you can’t.

Second, realize that forgiveness is really for YOU!  So that YOU do not have to keep dragging that pile of crap around any longer!

Third, look for areas in which you know you need to grow.  We all have them.  Make it your path to GROW the rest of your life, in your relationship and elsewhere.

Finally, if you are ready for a little growth, take a look at my material on how to save a marriage.