Posts Tagged :

stop divorce

Can You Force Connection?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Can you force connection?  How to convince a spouse to work on your marriage.Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right?  Yes, your marriage is in crisis.  But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage.  Right?

Not so fast.

Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance.  Not less.  It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off.  More insistence that nothing can be done.  That the marriage is beyond repair.  And that the only solution is dissolution.

So, if begging, arguing, convincing, and cajoling won’t work, what will?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore the concept of force, and how to shift it toward your goal of saving your marriage.

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Don’t Convince
Working on Connection
Book:  Beyond The 3 Barriers
Book:  How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps
Save The Marriage System

When Your Spouse Wants To TALK
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

When your spouse wants to talk. What do you do?“We need to talk,” is the start-up of many conversations with a spouse in marital strife.  Those words can strike fear and dread into you.  What if things turn south?  How do you respond?  What do you do?

If you are following my System, you know that I have a number of “Don’t Do’s” that can keep you out of trouble.  This is my list of thing NOT to do.

And one biggie is Don’t Talk About The Relationship.  What I mean by that is YOU should not have THE “Relationship Talk.”  You know… the one that you have rehearsed in your head… the one where your spouse will “see the light” and return to the marriage — given your full list of reasons and emotions.

Except… that is not what happens.  Your spouse is not reading off of the script you have in your head.  And so, the talk goes south.

So, what do you do, then, if you are committed to not having the “relationship talk,” and your spouse is wanting to talk about the relationship?

I’m here to help!  In this week’s podcast episode, I cover this question.  I tell you why your spouse wanting to talk about your marriage is NOT the same as my rule about not having that Relationship Talk.  And I share why avoiding your spouse’s desire to talk is actually a problem.  Perhaps a BIG problem.

So, how do you have that talk and make it work FOR your relationship?  Listen to the episode for help on how to talk about the relationship when your spouse wants to, without having THE “Relationship Talk.”

Resources
Connection versus Confusion
Communication is Not the Issue
Relationship Talks
Save The Marriage System

Surviving Disconnection
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

How to survive and correct disconnection in your marriage, so that you can save your marriage.Survival has been the theme for the last few weeks.  Not just surviving, but overcoming and thriving.  We’ve covered separation, infidelity, conflict, the “Golden Hour,” mistakes, and Empty Nest/Mid Life Crisis.  This week, we end the series on surviving as we turn our attention to disconnection.

Really, in many ways, disconnection is the underlying issue.  It leads to separation and infidelity.  It amplifies conflict.  It precipitates the crisis.  It contributes to the mistakes.  And an empty nest/midlife is a marriage crisis because of the disconnection.

Which makes it so important to cover this week.

If you want to resolve a marriage crisis, you have to survive the disconnection — and create renewed connection.

Connection is the lifeblood of a relationship, and especially a marriage.  As the connection goes, so goes the relationship — unless you solve the disconnection.

Let’s talk about why the disconnection is such an issue and how to solve it.

RELATED RESOURCES
Surviving Separation
Surviving Infidelity
Surviving Conflict
Surviving The Golden Hour
Surviving Mistakes and Backslides
Surviving Empty Nest/Mid Life Crisis
You Need A Plan
Love Languages
Save The Marriage System

Top 10 Myths About Divorce
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Top 10 myths about divorce.“For every piece of information,” the writer told me, “about how divorce hurts a child, I can show you research that it doesn’t harm a child.”

Admittedly, the writer was a bit biased.  He was wanting to divorce his wife.

I knew he wasn’t listening to me, but I also know he is completely wrong.  There is NO research that shows a child is unaffected by divorce.

But there is a preponderance of evidence that divorce does, indeed, affect a child.  Does it destroy a child?  No.  But it does affect a child.

In a culture that would rather look the other way and not look at the damage of divorce, this has been a growing myth about divorce.  It defies logic (divorce does, after all, change what a child has known as family and safety), and it defies research.  The little “research” from the ’80’s that proclaimed children are unaffected, has been completely undone.

There are other myths, like being friends after the divorce, or the belief that divorce will “set you free,” or that people recover quickly.  And these myths mean that many people jump into a divorce, looking for a “clean slate,” only to find that reality is quite different.

What are these myths?  Let me give you my top 10 myths of divorce.  Listen below.

 

 

The First Thing That MUST Change. . .
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

The first thing that MUST change to save your marriage.“Jack” was dancing around my office: pacing, sitting, jumping up, sitting down, pacing. . . .

Jack’s wife just revealed that she did not want to stay married.  22 years of marriage.  Gone.  Jack was in panic mode.

“What do I do?”, he repeatedly asked.

To be honest, Jack had already done a number of things I would have advised against.  He was already behind the proverbial “eight ball.”

Jack’s determination was actually getting him into worse trouble.  His efforts were in the wrong direction, confusing, and only leading to more anger.

So, Jack asked me where he should start.

I knew what Jack wanted.  He wanted what we all want:  a shortcut, an easy technique, a secret “ninja move” that would turn things around.

But as is true with most things in life, it is a bit more complicated than that.

“Jack,” I said, “take a deep breath.  Sit  back and listen.”  Jack struggled with that, but he did it.  Until I told him that something else had to change first:  his mindset.

In fact, Jack and I discussed 5 ways his mindset had to shift.  I share those 5 areas with you on this podcast.  I tell you what needs to shift, and how it needs to shift.

Even if you have been trying to save your marriage for some time, this is important.  You may not have even made that first shift that is crucial for anything to move forward.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Marriage Is A WE
Taking Responsibility
3’s of Saving Your Marriage What’s Your WHY
The System to Save Your Marriage
Book:  How To Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps

 

Separation: Can It Save Your Marriage (Or Cost You A Marriage)?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Can separation save a marriage?You want to save your marriage.  Your spouse seems to only want to destroy it.  That is a pretty common scenario for people who visit my website.

And so, I often have the question asked, “Should we separate?  Will a separation save my marriage?”

Can a separation save a marriage?

Short answer:  yes, it can.

Longer answer:  a separation can save a marriage, but it is statistically unlikely.  And in my experience, a separation is a step in the wrong direction.

Fairly recent statistics show that around 79% of couples who separate end up divorced.  In other words, 8 out of every 10 couples who separate will divorce.

I view separation as an absolute last resort to save a marriage.  It is, in my opinion, that unlikely to help.

But here is the thing:  if you are stuck in a conflicted and hurting marriage, it can be a very appealing solution.  And yes, you can find “fans” of separation.  There are people who tell you it is an important step in restoring a marriage.

Those people are ignoring the statistics.

They are appealing to your sense of relief that can come from a break in the conflict.

But are there better solutions?  Absolutely. Here is one.

In this podcast training, I tell you why separation is problematic — so that you understand that.  I also tell you how to structure a separation, if it is inevitable and a last resort.  Listen below for help with separation.

RESOURCES:
Article on Separating
Save The Marriage System
Virtual Coaching Program (IF you have the System)

 

The Science of Saving Your Marriage: #65 Save Your Marriage Podcast
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Turn toward your spouse.Sometimes, it all just seems like opinion.  Lots of people with lots of opinion on what you should do to save your marriage.

But what DOES science tell us about saving your relationship?

It turns out, LOTS.

Today, I want to cover one small piece of the puzzle.  This is one piece of research you can IMMEDIATELY apply to your relationship.

Better yet, you can apply this researched response, regardless of what your spouse chooses to do (or not do).

This one piece of information was proven to be 94% accurate in predicting whether a couple stays together or divorces.  That’s pretty strong evidence!

Listen, and start applying today!

If you are ready for even more help, all based on the most current science of relationships, email me at [email protected] and I will link you up!

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Are You Courageously Compassionate? Doing What Needs To Be Done: #49 Save Your Marriage Podcast
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

courageous compassion can help your marriage.When we feel close to someone, compassion is easy.  It comes naturally.

But when we are hurt or angry, when we feel disconnection from someone, compassion is harder.

That is when you have to be “courageously compassionate.”

Sometimes, we let our feelings “call the shots.”  We get stuck.  We give up.  Or we become so frantic that we cause more problems.

But what happens when you change your perspective?  What happens when you view your spouse from a different perspective — a compassionate perspective?

Find out in today’s podcast, an encore presentation.

Is Your Marriage Chronically Stuck and Acutely Painful?: #42 Save Your Marriage Podcast
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Save your marriage in spite of chronic hurt and acute pain.Is your marriage in a chronic state of stuck?  Does your relationship suffer from acute periods of pain?  Often, those moments of acute pain lead to a chronic state of “stuck.”  But that chronic state of “stuck” also creates the potential for more moments of acute pain.

Feeling stuck can lead to reactions of pain and anger.  And those flares of pain and anger simply adds to the feeling of being stuck.

Do you stay stuck or do you leave for something better?  Or do you find a third solution:  a way to move the marriage out of stuck and to what Relationship Coach Annette Carpien refers to as having a “juicy marriage?”

Annette should know.  She is a part of my team of highly skilled, highly trained, and highly effective Relationship Coaches.  But more than that, she has traveled the terrain.  She went from stuck to “juicy marriage” in her own life.  gling

In this podcast, Annette and I discuss how to break through the pain, how to break through the stuckness, even how to break through a desire to quit the relationship.  We talk about how your thoughts get in your way, how to stop struggling with your thoughts, and then how to choose your thoughts.

We discuss some habits you can make for yourself to “rewire” your behavior and your brain, and how to shift your relationship to one of vision and possibility.

Ready to discover and build a “juicy marriage?”  Please take a listen.

Secrets To Save Your Marriage
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

How To Save Your MarriageAs you may suspect, after a quarter century of working with couples, I have some opinions on what it takes to save your marriage. In this article, I want to take a look at some of the research and offer some opinion, from my experience, on what works and what doesn’t.

Let me start by saying there is one major distinction between marriages that are saved and marriages that end: ALL of the marriages that are saved have someone who took action.

Just for clarity and disclaimer information — I am not under the delusion that every marriage can be saved. But I do believe that many more marriages could survive and flourish, if given the chance.

But often, a spouse doesn’t want divorce, but doesn’t know what to do. So, the spouse starts on a process of education. He or she reads, listens, watches, and learns. . . and then does nothing to change the relationship. Knowledge is only power when it is applied.

Then there are those that find lots of information — and some of it is conflicting. So they start in one direction, then read something else and start in another direction, then hear something and head off in another direction. Instead of doing nothing, they do everything!

The person who does nothing is showing the spouse that he or she doesn’t care — even though that is completely untrue. Certainly not a sentiment you would want to portray.

The person who does everything appears inconsistent and manic. Often, this becomes proof to the spouse that things really are bad — and their spouse is erratic. Imagine, for instance, that one piece of advice says to be warm and welcoming. You do that for a couple of weeks. Things don’t change, so you read about trying to make your spouse jealous and make them feel your absence, so you reverse your actions 180 degrees. Don’t you think your spouse will be thoroughly confused?

So let me suggest you find the best advice possible, something that agrees with your gut, and then stick with it, applying it to the best of your abilities!

Which brings me to secret #1: Be consistent in your approach — and be sure the approach is not being passive!

How to Save Your Marriage

It is my advice that you NOT work on making your spouse jealous. I have seen that advice all over the internet. And let me tell you a secret: NONE of that was written by a qualified professional.

It was written to make someone feel better on taking out their anger on a spouse. That part of you that is hurt and angry? In some ways, we want to hear about how the best action is to go have fun, to “teach them a lesson.”

But the lesson it teaches? “I have moved on.” That, I would suggest, is not a winning strategy for showing “I love you and want our marriage to work.”

Which leads me to secret #2: People who save their marriage set aside their momentary feelings for a greater good. Because there are going to be times when your hurt leads you to want to lash out. You will WANT to give up. But if your mind is committed to saving your marriage, don’t let your emotions pull you off-course.

My wife uses the phrase, “consult your plan, not your feelings.” In other words, once you have formulated a plan, then stick with it, even when your feelings are telling you differently.

Watch this video for some more help on this:

Save Your Marriage

Your secret #3? Assume you WILL save your marriage. In other words, instead of always questioning what is possible, just decide you will do exactly that: save your marriage.

I teach SCUBA diving in the local area, and my partner in teaching starts out our first class with one request from participants: PMA. Positive Mental Attitude. In class, we ask the students to stretch themselves. After all, it is not second-nature for us to breathe under water. And some of the exercises requires the student to get beyond the fear. Not to get rid of the fear, but get beyond the fear.

So we ask participants to refuse to play the “I can’t” tapes in their mind, and choose instead to say “I can.” It is incredible to me to watch people talk themselves through an exercise by using that phrase over and over.

It is the same in dealing with a crisis. I get letter after letter from people asking “can I save my marriage?” I only want two changes. First, I want someone to say “I CAN save my marriage.” Then, I want the person to ask “how can I save my marriage?” Suddenly, a shift has happened.

Tips to Save Your Marriage

At this point, you have hopefully made some shifts in your thinking. Now you know it is possible to save your marriage. But you may need some nudges on where to go from here.

stop divorceSecret #4: Saving a marriage is about a) reconnecting and b) working on yourself. Both are required.

Marriages get into trouble because there is too little connection in the marriage to sustain it. A lack of connection leads to what John Gottman refers to as the 4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse.

These “Horsemen” are traits of communication that arise between distressed spouses. Here they are:

1) Criticism – One or both begin to be overly critical and attacking about perceived shortcomings. Forgiveness begins to wane.

2) Contempt – Then arises the sense of contempt that one or both holds for the other. Contempt is marked by only seeing the worst in the other and becoming suspicious about every action from the other.

3) Defensiveness – The contempt is felt and experienced as attack, which leads to a defensive reaction. And when we are defensive, we have a very difficult time seeing our own role in the process

4) Stonewalling – The defensiveness leads to the final marker. When we realize we cannot talk something out, we choose not to interact. We stonewall, refusing to communicate to the other.

Click Here for a video of Gottman discussing this.

To be clear, most marriages have, at some point, elements of these “4 horsemen.” But the more distressed a relationship becomes, the more consistent these patterns become, until the patterns are engrained and automatic.

Which calls for the process of reconnecting. As marriages reconnect, there is less and less of the pattern. And self-improvement allows for one to acknowledge a truth of being human: we all have room to grow and improve. We all have places where we have allowed our more fearful brains to take over and hold us hostage.

Time to reconnect and time to grow!

Ways to Save Your Marriage

Let me provide a little insight on how to start the process with a video I created:

There are a couple of important details. First, notice I do not suggest you sit down and have a “heart-to-heart” with your spouse. It will fail. You will not talk your spouse out of feeling that the marriage is in trouble.

But more than that, when you are talking about the relationship, you are no longer relating. And when you are not relating, you are not connecting. So, give up on that big relationship talk you have been rehearsing in your mind.

Second, don’t panic. Resist begging, demanding, guilting, or any other negative display of emotion. You don’t have to appear cheerful. Being sad is fine, but large expressions of emotion generally only prove the point to your spouse: they need to get away. So resist. Stay calm.

Stop Your Divorce

That, in my mind, is only step one. Stopping the legal process is the beginning point to building a marriage that you treasure — that both of you treasure! When you get to that point, then your marriage is sustainable for the long-term. More than that, it will be nurturing to both of you. And both of you will protect it.

If you are ready to really create a plan, to really get serious about marriage, I invite you to grab my Save The Marriage System. You CAN save your marriage, even if you are the only one wanting to right now!