Relationship Fears and Insecurities
150 150Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Relationship fears and insecurities: intimacy and abandonment.Fears. They can certainly derail us humans!

A few episodes ago, I noted some fears that can sabotage your efforts to save your marriage.

But what about relationship fears?  Just those basic fears and insecurities that we all carry with us in relationships?

Yep, we all have them.  2 basic fears.  And those 2 fears?  They pull against each other.  One can trigger the other in couples.  We all have both, but tend to have a tendency to one fear or the other.  And when that fear is triggered, it often triggers the opposite fear in a spouse.

Which, by the way, increases the fear in the other.

Those two fears?

  • Fear of Intimacy
  • Fear of Abandonment

Let’s talk about what those fears are about, why we have them, what triggers them, and why it becomes such an issue in marriage.

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Building Your Support Team
150 150Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

How to build your support team to get you through your marriage crisis.Support.  We all need it.  But we need the right kind of support.

If you are in the midst of a marriage crisis, you might feel all alone, just you against the world (and your spouse).  Well, you aren’t against your spouse.  And the world is not against you.

It can feel that way, though.

Which is why you need to find your support team.

In the last episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discussed 5 ways to deal with the emotional crisis of a marriage crisis.  And one way was through support — at which point I realized I had not previously discussed how to get support.

So, we cover that today.

I suggest you have 3 layers to your support. So, I discuss the 3 layers and how to manage each layer.  Listen below for how to build your support team.

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YOU are the best tool!
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5 Ways To Manage Your Emotions (in the midst of the crisis)
150 150Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

5 Ways To Manage Your Emotions In A Marriage Crisis.It can be an emotional storm in the middle of a marriage crisis.  Sometimes, it seems that every little thing blows up into big things… almost without control.

A marriage crisis is one of the bigger life stressors.  If you are dealing with that, you are already emotionally “tapped out.”  Which means it might not take much for you to boil over…

And undo any progress you have been making.

I have frequently been told that “I just can’t control my emotions.”  And in reality, the challenge is not controlling, but managing, your emotions.

In this podcast episode, I outline 5 ways for you to manage your emotions in the midst of a marriage crisis.

Is it hard?  It can be a challenge.  But it is do-able.

You can do it!  Let’s talk about how!

(Listen Below!)

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4 Fears That Halt Your Efforts… And Don’t Need To
150 150Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

4 fears that stop your efforts to save your marriage... but don't have to!You’ve decided to save your marriage. You start the process, maybe even make some progress.

Then, BAM!  You hit a wall.

A wall of fear.  Fears that sabotage your efforts, pull you back from your plan, get you to give up.

But those fears do not have to be the end of your efforts.  In fact, those fears need not do anything to your efforts.  Fears and actions are not the same.  Fears are fears.  Whenever we base our actions on fears, we give them too much power.

When you are working on saving a marriage, there are 4 fears that strike many people… and they may just hit you! And then, you have to decide whether the fears stop your efforts or if they are just “background noise.”

Which will they be for you?

Listen to the podcast episode below.

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NMF: The Fastest Path to Failure
150 150Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

NMF Syndrom: Why "Its not my fault" just keeps you stuck and what to do.The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage.  Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage.  She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you).

She wanted to know what to do — how to save her marriage — given the fact that it wasn’t her fault.  She was clear that she wanted the marriage, but she just didn’t know what to do, after all he had done to damage the relationship.

NMF

She was skidding down the fastest path to failing in her efforts.  And she didn’t see how she had anything to do with it.

NMF

When we talked on the phone, I asked a little bit more about the dynamics of the relationship.  But I noticed she kept shifting back to “he did…,” “he didn’t….” She could point out his failures and shortcomings.

And then she would return to her question:  Given his actions, how could she save her marriage?

NMF

I had no doubt that she really wanted to save her marriage.  And I had little doubt that she would be unsuccessful.

Because she had fallen in the NMF trap.  Figured it out yet?  The NMF trap is “Not My Fault.”

Here is the problem with “Not My Fault”:  It leaves you stuck.  It does relieve you of blame or fault.  But it also tends to rob people of responsibility (Response-Ability).

Let’s talk about why this trap happens and how to avoid it.  Listen below.

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What About Addictions?
150 150Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

How do addictions affect your efforts to save your marriage.Sometimes, people want to check with me and see if my System addresses certain special issues.  One that recurs is the question about addictions.  What if they or their spouse is addicted?  Will that be a problem in saving the marriage?

Since it is a recurring question, I decided to address it in this episode of the podcast.

But the quick answer is “Yes, it is an issue.  Yes, it needs to be addressed.  But no, that does not discount or eliminate the issues in the marriage.  It adds another layer.”

The longer answer is addressed in the podcast.

But first, let me be clear in saying that I believe humans have a propensity to addiction.  Many of us avoid immediately destructive addictions.  But many of us do fall prey to longer-term damage from addictions.  For example, sugar.  While it may not kill as quickly as alcohol or opiates, the long term damage is undeniable.

In this case, we are looking, though, at more immediately damaging addictions, both to substances and processes (sex, gambling, etc.).

If addictions, either your own or your spouse’s, is adding to your marriage crisis, take a listen to see how the two pieces of the puzzle must be addressed.

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Marriage and Self-Expansion
150 150Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Self-expansion in marriage: learning and growing together and as individuals.“I just outgrew you,” he said to her in my office.  But as we talked, I was not convinced that he had actually “outgrown” her.  But it was clear that neither felt supported in their own personal growth.  He said, “You stifle me,” and she answered, “You never care about my interests.”

And both were right.

But both missed the opportunity — self-expansion as a part of the relationship.  They could both grow, both explore, and still stay married.

Recent research has shown that one of the leading contributors to unhappiness in marriage (and risk for infidelity) is a lack of opportunity for self-expansion in the relationship.

Great term, “self-expansion.”  In a world of “self-growth” and “self-development,” the idea is a bit broader.  Self-growth/development focuses on psychological or spiritual change.  But what about just exploring the world and widening your horizons?  Well, self-expansion encompasses both self-development and trying new things out.

Does your relationship support both of your opportunities for self-expansion (within the boundaries of the relationship)?  Is there room for growing?  Support for growing?  Sharing new experiences together?  Sharing your passions for individual interests?  Those are the elements of self-expansion within marriage.

Learn more in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

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Top 10 Myths Series
150 150Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

The top 10 myths of marriage.There are so many myths out there about marriage, marital therapy, saving your marriage, and divorce.  Do you believe any of them?  If you do, they may be getting in the way of your efforts to save and improve your marriage.

These myths are so common that YOU may believe them, your spouse may believe them, your friends and family may believe them… even your therapist may believe them.

And that’s trouble!

Learn the myths in the links below, then take action!

Top 10 Myths of Marriage HERE

Top 10 Myths of Marital Therapy HERE

Top 10 Myths of Saving Your Marriage HERE

Top 10 Myths of Divorce HERE

Ready to bust the myths and take action grab my Save The Marriage System HERE

You Know You’re On The Same Team… Right??
150 150Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

You DO know you are on the same team, right??One more argument.  One more struggle.  They sat on my couch, facing each other down as opponents in some contest to… win… well, to be honest, I don’t know what they were trying to win.  Because they were not winning at marriage!

I stopped them, looked at them and said, “You do know you are on the same team…” and they stared blankly at me, so I continued, “… right??”

They certainly were not working like a team.  They were acting like enemies, in competition with each other.  They were struggling to win.  But either one “winning” would be a “lose” for the marriage.

Too many people miss this one essential — crucial — fact about marriage… you both are on the same team.  You are working toward a common goal (or should be).  The task is not winning as an individual, but as a team, as a couple, as a family.

This is the fundamental point of being what I call a “WE.”  WE are in this together; WE stand side-by-side; WE have each other’s back; WE are a team!  Same side, same direction (or should be).

Listen to this episode for how to get on the same team!

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“It shouldn’t be this hard!” (And Other Lies We Tell About Marriage)
150 150Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

"It shouldn't be this hard" and other lies about marriage.Far from the first time, he turned to me in the middle of a session and said, “See? It just shouldn’t be this hard.  That is why I know this marriage is wrong.  If it were right, we wouldn’t struggle like this.”

I had to admit… they were struggling.  It was difficult.  BUT, the struggle did not prove the marriage was wrong.  It did demonstrate that the way they were interacting was not good for the relationship (or for either of the two people in my office).

What it did not prove was that the marriage was wrong.

Quick stat.  Do you have any idea what percent of marriages have difficulties and struggles?

Here is the answer… if you haven’t guessed:  100%

Yep.  All of them.

Somewhere around 50% figure out how to move through the struggle or stick it out, in spite of the struggle.

That’s just one of the lies we tell about marriages.  Not that people mean to lie.  They just say what they believe… which is a lie (or based on a lie).  Let me tell you four of the bigger lies people tell (themselves) in this episode of the podcast.

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