May 2011

My guess is you are at my site because you want to learn how to save their marriage.  There are relationship issues that must be addressed.  But where do you start?  My answer:  look in the mirror.  You, yourself are the greatest tool you have in your efforts to save your marriage.

Let me tell you about a recent client of mine.

Bart came into my office this week, stuck again.  I say again, because this was not his first marriage crisis.  He and his wife had been to the brink of divorce several times.  In previous crises, they had peered over the edge of the cliff, and decided to back away.

This time, I was not so sure.  This time, Sue was adamant that she had had enough.  Broken promise after broken promise of change had hardened her heart to the possibility of lasting change.

Many times in the past, Bart had loudly proclaimed that he had realized the err of his ways, and was ready to change.  For a little while, he would act differently.  It was all an act, though.  Nothing had really changed.  Sometimes, I think he even believed it himself.

Once again, we were working hard to hold onto a marriage that had been to the edge before, trying to keep them from taking that leap into the abyss of divorce.  But I wondered if we could do it again — could we stop the divorce?

There was a difference this time.  It gave us a starting point.  This time, Bart realized something about himself that he had long ignored and denied.  Bart was controlling.  Overtly and covertly, Bart tried hard to make his world go the way he wanted his world to go.  Only problem was, his wife was caught up in that world.  His world was invading her world.  And she had simply had enough.

Why was he controlling?  The same reason anyone is:  Fear!  Control your world and you can control all the bad things that might happen, or at least that is what we tell ourselves.

Sure, Sue had some areas she might want to change.  Don’t we all?

For Sue, she might want to consider that when someone is in a controlling relationship, at some point, they got into the role of being controlled.  Perhaps she had allowed this to happen to avoid conflict.  Or perhaps it was easier to do this than to make her own decisions.  Either way, it didn’t matter.  She allowed herself to be controlled, and Bart gladly controlled.

One day, Bart asked, “why do I have to be the one to change?  She needs to change, too.”   My answer is one of pragmatics, “Bart, you are here, wanting to save your marriage.  Your wife is not, and she is willing to call it quits.  That means it is up to you.  You can either stomp your feet and tell me how it is unfair, or you can change.  The choice is yours.”

That caught Bart off-guard.  He had to stop and think about this.  He had to face the need to change, regardless of what Sue might do.

This proved to be a bit difficult.  The reason is not because he is not capable of the change.  The reason is because Bart went from working on changing to proving he was changing.  That was a problem.  Can you see it?

Bart began to work to control his world, so that his wife would see he was not being controlling.  In other words, he was using his defense mechanism to prove he did not have a defense mechanism.  We all do that.

We develop behaviors because they worked for us at one time.   They allowed us to have some sense of control and effect on our life around us.
Problem is, they stop working and start creating problems.  Our old behavior in a new world are what trip us up.  Where did we learn the behavior?  Childhood.  Where does it fail us?  Adulthood.  Ouch!

In order to save your marriage, you first  want to adopt a growth mindset.  Don’t trap yourself into feeling stuck!  We humans have a great capacity for growth and change, but we quickly forget it.

Then follow these direct and simple steps:

First step:  face the fact that a)  you have things that you can change, regardless of what is happening in your marriage, and b) you have the capacity for change, growth, and improvement.

Second step:  reflect on what your spouse has been telling you.  Write down at least 5 recurring themes or issues your spouse keeps naming as problems.  Don’t add “yeah, but. . . .”  Just write them down and accept that they just MIGHT be true.

Third step:  reflect on the places where you keep tripping up in life.  These can be patterns that keep seeming to repeat themselves.  They often tell you how you automatically react and respond to situations.  In other words, they describe places that no longer work.  Add them to your list.

Fourth step:  reflect on that list.  If there are some that you simply disagree with (not just deny because you would hate to admit it), then mark a line through them.  Don’t scribble them out, as you might just return to them and see they are more true than you would like to admit.

Fifth step:  make a list of how you might change each of the themes or issues.  Where can you start RIGHT NOW?  Anywhere is better than nowhere.  So start there.

Sixth step:  make it a daily habit to reflect on who you want to be, and what you are doing to get there.  Don’t wait and think you will do this later.  Change takes effort and time.  It took you a while to become who you are, and it will take some time to recreate yourself.

Seventh step:  give yourself some room for “relapses.”  You don’t turn yourself around overnight.  It will take some time.  But one day, you will look back and wonder about that person you had become — and be glad you have become someone better!

Eighth step:  DON’T set out to prove how you have changed.  Simply be the change.  It will be noticed.  Trying to prove something makes you act.  So simply BE the change.

A final note:  just because you are now working on yourself doesn’t mean you should ignore the relationship piece.  Discover how you can transform the marriage while you are working on yourself.  Then, you will be doing both pieces:  changing yourself and changing your relationship.  Learn how to transform your relationship here.