How To Heal Disconnection PODCAST: Save The Marriage Episode 4

150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

The latest Save The Marriage Podcast is here and available!

In this episode, we discuss emotional disconnection and how to heal it.

I provide 4 foundational steps in how to heal the disconnection and rebuild the connection, along with concrete steps on exactly what to do.

Let me know what you think in the comments below!

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Dr. Baucom is internationally known for his methods and approaches to saving marriages. For over 25 years, Dr. Baucom has been helping people around the world to save, restore, and create the relationships they desire and deserve. He is the author of the book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps, and creator of the Save The Marriage System, as well as numerous other resources.

All stories by: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
  • Dave

    The hardest part is realizing that if only one person wants to save the marraige, it won’t work. 🙁 My heart has been so heavy. My wife admitted to the affair, I am dealing with the pain from that and now she feels that “I have put up too many walls and I just can’t bring them down”. 15 years of marriage, 2 beautiful children.
    I have never abused my wife, only showed kindness and love. Granted I have my moments but it’s human to err and to forgive.

    I seem to be stuck as she doesn’t want to forgive. Every significant incident that occurred in the last 15years is food for how bad our marriage is. Not the incredible vacations, the late night laughing with kids, the holiday traditions and christmas mornings.

    I’m just trying to wrap my hands around something I never ever wanted and never thought would happened to me.
    Most importantly I have been faithful for my entire life. While she blames me for the affair I will never accept responsibility for her actions. An affair is devastating! Her excuse was I was too controlling.
    …. ok, then let’s deal with that and not run away.

    I don’t see how people can cheat! The pain I have felt I would never want to inflict on another individual.

    But despite the fact that I want to try and work things out, to develop a connection. What I have found is that when someone truly does not want a connection all your work and patience and silent tears and solitude of sadness so that you can try and build a connection WILL NOT WORK!

  • lbaucom

    Dave, I am sorry to hear about your painful situation. Infidelity is a very painful event in the life of many marriages — far too many! There is no excuse for an affair, and any excuse that someone uses is simply justification for actions.
    That said, you are only partially right — there are plenty of times when people start the process of reconnecting ALONE. The other person, as I noted in the podcast, may be too hurt and too afraid of feeling the pain again, to join in the process of reconnection.
    When someone takes the actions I suggest in the podcast, there is a good chance to move through the disconnection and reconnect.

    There are certainly times when someone is so adamant and resistant that there is no chance. But sometimes, the only thing necessary is time and effort.

    Will that work for you? I have no way of knowing. I do know that I have seen countless relationships revived, long after one or the other pronounced it dead.

  • Brad


    I spent the last three years going through the exact scenario you are in. 15 years of marriage, 2 great kids, a very good marriage for 14 years and then an affair by my wife. Your short story is exactly how things went for me. Unfortunately, I could not change her mind and we divorced at the end of last year. My advice is to not give up! Try to reconnect as Dr. Baucom suggests . . he knows what he is talking about. However, if she wants a separation, ask her to leave. The cheater should always leave the home. That is the one mistake I made, I said I would leave so she could be comfortable and maybe she would realize how much I loved her by doing that. Instead, she continued to live comfortably while I lived in an apartment where I was reminded of my situation every day I walked in the door. When she is sitting alone in an apartment without her kids or husband, she will have time to reflect on what blessings she had and she may change her mind. My ex-wife has now shown signs of regret since she is on her own (I got the house). Don’t give up . . . single life is not a lot of fun . . but it also is not as bad as you may think. You will survive whatever happens.

  • Ling

    Now that I have listened to the podcast on two occasions and am trying really hard to take on board your comments. How Long do I keep trying to connect when my husband is staying disconnected?

  • lbaucom

    Ling, that is a very individual decision. I suggest you keep trying until you can’t (legal action ends the relationship or other person completely blocks the capacity to connect). However, there are plenty of times when the process exhausts someone, and they have to stop. Again, it is up to you. I just notice that people have more in them than they give themselves credit.

    Hang in there!

  • Ling

    Thank you for response. I haven’t given up yet but am finding it difficult to keep strong and to keep going!!!

  • Olive

    I have purchased your program and there are many tools that are very intuitive and interesting. My problem is I am dealing with a man who was reared by a women with a behavioural disorder. This has left emotional scars on my husband and although he can be so kind and wonderful it seems he cannot cope with stressful situations and his answer is to run away as he did several times during our marriage for days at a time. He shuts down at crucial times. Our problems were largely caused by interferance from his mother and sister. His mother very much thought she had the right to dictate our life and I did also suffer with post natal depression after i had my baby which made life for me very difficult. Anyhow after a year of arguing, there were plenty of good times too, my husband announced our marriage is over. I have tried so hard to get him to reconsider and realise that although we had a rough time we didn’t cause the stresses. It was how we reacted to those stresses caused the problems for us. He says we tried for a year but i feel that we fought for a year and now we need to try to repair the mariage. We are so furtunate in so many ways, we are all healthy, financially stable, have a nice home, we both have jobs.
    i have been using your techniques to try to build a reconnection and slowly he seems to be responding, he is still refusing to meet at the park or events i look to bring our daughter too. I am just worried that due to his own issues from his childhood and his stubborness that it will all be fruitless

  • guest

    Thanks for the advise on the house and kids, you are right, I should keep them.

  • ishabaka

    Let her know that in your mind, she owns her actions. Nobody ever makes another person do something. Even if someone holds a gun to another person’s head, the other person has to choice – do what the gun holder wants, or refuse, and take the chance on a bullet.

  • ishabaka

    Your problems were not caused by your mother and sister in law. You and your husband can own your lives, and your actions, if you choose.

  • Hopeless

    What do you do or where do start on the path to reconnecting when your spouse doesn’t even want to be touched by you

  • Hi “Hopeless” (perhaps you can shift that?),
    There are many ways to reconnect. Touch is one way. There are so many other ways. So, if one way is blocked (probably out of self-protection), then find other ways. Eventually, that “blocked” way will become unblocked.
    If you haven’t already, grab my Save The Marriage System at

  • Matt

    Really enjoyed this podcast! Thank you Lee!!