What You May Not Know About Love, Respect, and Civility: #32 Save Your Marriage Podcast

150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

how to save your marriage from an affairI can’t tell you how many times I have had someone tell me, “I am no longer in love with my spouse.”  And while they are in my office, I get it.  They call each other names, insult each other, blame, are unloving, and disrespectful.

And in the midst of all that, there is a cycle:  “If you don’t show my love and respect, I won’t show you love and respect.”

A best-selling book, Love & Respect, Emerson Eggerichs says that men need respect more, and women need love more.  He says that men can be unloving while showing respect, and women can be disrespectful when showing love.  I think he is onto something.  But perhaps there is more to it.

In this week’s podcast, I take a look at the issue of love and respect, but also look at civility and courtesy as a basic platform.  If you feel unloved and/or disrespected (or your spouse feels that way), please listen.  There is an alternative.

Let me know what you think in the comments area below.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Dr. Baucom is internationally known for his methods and approaches to saving marriages. For over 25 years, Dr. Baucom has been helping people around the world to save, restore, and create the relationships they desire and deserve. He is the author of the book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps, and creator of the Save The Marriage System, as well as numerous other resources.

All stories by: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
  • Erica

    Hello Lee…

    Your podcasts are wonerful…

    I just finished listening to your podcast on respect, love
    and civility. It would be very helpful if you would address affair triggers… How to deal with them and how to help our partners understand, respect and act in a loving way when the betrayed spouse tells them their behavior is causing them?

    Why I ask… My husband seems to be incapable of not looking
    at other women when we are together. A year ago my husband revealed he had an affair… Prior to his affair his looking at other women was a major issue for me and while I wasn’t always nice in communicating how his behavior made me feel – I was clear it made me feel disrespected…

    Now one year after finding out about his affair I have asked him several times, to refrain from looking at other women in my presence and not viewing pornography alone… yet, he continues to look at other women when he’s with me… When I see him looking at other women – it is like the scab over my heart is being ripped off and I am in the depths of pain all over again. It seems I either never go out in public with him or I come to some way of understanding his behavior and develop a healthy way of processing it or I don’t see how we can save our marriage…

    I am at a total loss as to what to do. When I am being triggered by his looking at other women it is terribly challenging to feel or act in a loving way toward him… when it is taking every ounce of
    energy one has to get on the other side of the negative emotions that come up as a result of the trigger? You said choose to act respectfully and loving even when the other person is not… it seems impossible in these moments.

  • Jacqui

    Hi Lee
    This was yet another fantatastic pod cast .. thank you so much, your advice has been invaluable.

    Seeing this podcast raised the difference between men and women, can you please advise if this difference is something I should take into account in other areas when trying to ‘make a connection’

    My husband has advised that he is no longer in love with me and after reading your book and hearing your podcasts, I can ‘hand on my heart’ say I am responsible for this rift in our marriage.

    I have been consistently, calmly and carefully building a connection back with him, asking for nothing in return. But I’ve also read different opinions about responding to a man who is no longer in love is very different to responding to a woman.
    Is one way texting every few days too much for a man, should I just give him his space .. I don’t want to play hard to get because that feels like playing mental games which I’m not interested in doing.

    The reason I ask this is because the other day, he had an outburst and stated that when I compliment him, he feels like I’m manipulating him. I was blown away and it’s really shaken my confidence. I compliment him because I genuinely feel that way.
    Considering I haven’t had a single compliment from him since before Christmas I really can’t see how that would be construed as being manipulative. I’d also like to add that I haven’t asked for a compliment, haven’t sulked when I haven’t received one etc .. have given no other vibe to indicate that I’m expecting a return compliment etc. It is purely 100% one way interaction where I am able to express how I feel about the way he looks, or gratitude for something that he has done.

    Please help