3 Things You MUST Do After An Argument: #44 Save Your Marriage Podcast

150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Arguments.  We all have them.  Few of us believe they are useful.  Most people find them hurtful and destructive.

Yet we still argue.

After a lifetime of arguments, do we really believe that this argument or the next one is going to work better?

And yet we still argue.

A number of years ago, I was speaking with a very conflicted couple.  They were once again arguing in my office.  I once again stopped them as they began to spiral down into yet another argument about yet the same issues they had covered over and over in the past (with no resolution).

I told them we HAD to get the arguing stopped.  I noted the arguments they were having were not solving anything, and weren’t even trying to solve anything.  They were just trying to score points against each other.  They looked at each other, looked at me blankly, and said, “If we don’t argue, what will we do?”

Habit.  Their arguing had become habit.  It was their default way of communicating.  They solved nothing, but they couldn’t figure out another way to communicate.

Been there?  Done that?  Argued and argued, even with that small voice telling you, “This is not going to go well.  This is not going to solve anything.”  Or perhaps you had another little belief, “This time, they will see that I am right.  This time, my spouse will see that my logic, my reasoning, is correct.”

My guess is the argument ended the same way:  both people hurt and neither person changing views.  In fact, generally, we dig in even deeper and hold even tighter to our beliefs (even if we might secretly doubt ourselves).  And you might even find yourself justifying that you’ve been done wrong (those thoughts may even be worthy of a country music song).

Why do we do it?  Why do we argue?  This week, in the Save Your Marriage Podcast, I cover some reasons why we argue, why they don’t work, and what to do about it.

The real focus, though, are the 3 things you MUST do after an argument.  Let me tell you now:  none of the 3 are about an apology.  That is too easy.  This is about getting below the argument and examining what is going on with YOU, and why YOU got caught up in the argument.

Only from there can anything change.

Let me know what you think in the comments are below!

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Dr. Baucom is internationally known for his methods and approaches to saving marriages. For over 25 years, Dr. Baucom has been helping people around the world to save, restore, and create the relationships they desire and deserve. He is the author of the book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps, and creator of the Save The Marriage System, as well as numerous other resources.

All stories by: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
  • Robyn

    Wow, that was an eyeopener and I wasn’t expecting it to be. One my daughter has just got engaged and is an argumentative type so I will be getting her to listen. We never argued until our marriage started falling apart, discussed yes but not argued but I can’t remember our first real argument so I hope my husband does maybe that will shed some light on the subject of how we got here. Also the part about losing connectedness spoke volumes for us, now to go back and undo some damage if possible. Thanks Lee

  • Cain94

    Don’t know how to proceed in my situation, Lee. He’s in full withdrawal and we are barely speaking. I’d like to move forward, but he won’t make the time and I don’t feel this is a text conversation. There is a lot going on in life right now.

  • Me

    Wow this hit me like a truck when I heard your words I’ve been saying all along.. We are not married but I’m finding it very hard to keep my heart open (most like half open at this point). He stresses about so much and things he shouldn’t be stressing about, to the point of raging at me and pulling the blame card out almost every other day, taking zero responsibility for his actions. I can sit her and say the blame cars he throws has gotten the better of me more times then I care to admit but can admit. I’ve heard the “I don’t love you no more, I hate you, you ruined my life, I don’t want to be with you no more” cards soooooo many times. And oh it’s been devestatingly hurtful, almost like I’ve been told one of my children have been kill!!!

    I’m no angel by far, but I am understanding, can chafe position in a conversation, at times find myself just like most pushing my perseption of my believes to be 100% accurate (which I know are not) and because of the hurtful cards he throws at me, I fight instead of flight because I’m being blamed and poked…

    I’ve done the say nothing to those cards and agreed with what he was feeling in that moment, and still he would continue to bash, yell, call names, cut me down and after so long of hearing those hurtful things I’d blow up like a crazy woman lol..

    I’m just lost and don’t know what to do..

  • Me

    Sorry I forgot to mention that he has completely withdrawn himself from us, denying and making excuses to not have sex and blaming me for that as well, and is just playing the “MIND F’ GAME” <— sorry for that last piece but it's the truth..

    I admit my wrong and am also very sorry I've reacted as I have but nothing I do it good enough!!!

    Need some guidance from a male figure!

    Thank you