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Monthly Archives :

September 2014

Is It Emotional Infidelity?: #58 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Emotional Infidelity in marriage.When is it emotional infidelity?  What are the signs of emotional affairs?

These are common questions I hear when I speak with people.

Why is it so hard to define this?

One simple reason:  it is a gray area of connection.  A physical affair is much more clearly defined.  A physical boundary has been violated.  So, while there may be some difference of opinion on what constitutes an affair, it is clear when it becomes physical.

Not so with emotional infidelity.  In almost every case, it starts innocently enough. . . so innocently that the involved parties continue to proclaim that nothing is wrong, no boundary has been violated, and there is no problem with the relationship.

Yet emotional affairs DO threaten marriages.  Emotional infidelity sucks the limited emotional resources a person has, leaving the marriage floundering without connection.  The emotional pain for the spouse who is losing the connection to someone else can be as extreme as if there was a physical affair.

Unfortunately, this often falls outside of the understanding of the spouse involved in the emotional relationship.  He or she will often continue to justify, argue, and refuse to acknowledge anything is wrong. . . until everything falls apart and the truth is overwhelmingly evident.

In this podcast, I take a look at emotional infidelity and give some guidelines to help distinguish “just a friend” from a relationship that has crossed the line.

Listen below and let me know what you think in the comments area further down.

And if you are ready to save your marriage, CLICK HERE.

HERE IS THE LINK to my book, Recovering From Infidelity

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The “Rocket Fuel” of Infidelity: #57 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Lipstick on his collarWhen “Janie” came to see me, she was lost.  She could not understand HOW her husband could be so wrapped up in his affair.  “Doug” was discovered at a lunchtime rendezvous with his mistress of 6 months.  A friend saw them sneaking into a motel room, and quickly called Janie.

Doug was ashamed, swore he would break it off, claiming it had only happened a couple of times.  While Janie didn’t really care how often they had met, Janie also didn’t believe him.  Doug had been distant for some time.  In fact, his distancing was at about the same time he began texting and chatting with the other woman.  Janie knew something was wrong; she just couldn’t imagine Doug would cheat.

In fact, few would have believed it.  Doug was always at his kids’ games, was in church every week, and was a civic leader.  He was also deeply involved in a very unhealthy relationship — one he seem completely unable to break from.

“What is driving him?  Why is he acting this way?” Janie pleaded.

Affairs seem to burn so hotly.  It can baffle the people involved and the spouses hurt by the relationship.  And it can be a fire that is tough to squelch and hard to escape.

Do not confuse the heat for love.

Rarely is love hatched in the midst of dishonesty and deceit.

Janie told me she just didn’t get it.  The other woman was less attractive, more needy, less successful, and just did not match up with what Doug proclaimed he wanted in life.  Yet there they were, deeply involved and proclaiming the “truth” of their relationship.

I pointed out one thing I want to point out to you:  affairs are not about the other person.  The other person is an object, a projection of lots of other things.  But it is really not so much about that other person.

Very frequently, after the affair is ended, the cheating spouse says to me, “I have no idea what I was thinking.  I don’t even LIKE that other person.”

Unfortunately, it can take time to get to that level of disconnect.

In this week’s podcast, I want to share with you the mixture that creates the “rocket fuel” of the intense feelings involved in an affair.

Take a listen and let me know what you think!

Looking for more on affairs?  CLICK HERE

Ready to save your marriage?  CLICK HERE

HERE IS THE LINK to my book, Recovering From Infidelity

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How To Recover From An Affair — Free Resources
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Overcome infidelityHas your marriage been disrupted by an affair?  You are not alone.

Statistics on infidelity are a bit difficult to come by.  Estimates range from 30% to 60% of marriages have some episode of infidelity during the marriage.  That is a large span, from a minority to a majority of relationships.  One study found 22% of men and 14% of women admit to cheating in their marriage.

Let’s be clear:  statistics don’t matter.  What matters is what happens in YOUR marriage.  Just know that if infidelity is or has been a part of your marriage, you are not alone.

But infidelity does not have to end a marriage.  In fact, many couples find it possible to not only recover their relationship, but actually build a stronger marriage after the affair.  An affair can become a “wake up call” that things need to drastically change.

Are you wanting to save your marriage after infidelity?  I have prepared  several resources to help you.

CLICK HERE to learn what to do if your spouse had an affair.

CLICK HERE to learn what to do if you had an affair.

CLICK HERE to learn about what fuels an affair.

CLICK HERE to learn why sex is such an issue in marriage.

CLICK HERE to learn how to forgive and move forward.

CLICK HERE if you are ready to save your marriage.

If you want some extra help, you may want to grab my book, Recovering From Infidelity.  HERE IS THE LINK.

What’s YOUR Model of Marriage?: #56 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Mental models.  We all have them.  It can help us make sense of the world. . . and keep us stuck.  Every mental model is really a shortcut in understanding reality.

A mental model is simply a way we understand something.  Politics are a mental model.  Each political view has a certain viewpoint on many topics and issues.  But given the wide array of political views, it would appear that each viewpoint has shortcomings — information that is missing or ignored.

The same is true throughout our lives.  Every mental model we have gives us both strengths and weaknesses.  And we rarely examine why those models are there, or where they come from.

Where did YOU learn about marriage?Take, for example, your model of marriage.  Where did YOUR understanding of marriage come from?  Mostly likely, it has a great deal to do with the marriage you saw as you were growing up.

Many of us grew up with the “tough it out” or “screw it, I’m out” models of marriage.  The lessons learned by watching these two models can keep us stuck and limit our possibility for change in marriage.

Are you ready to make a shift in your mental model?  Allow me to offer yet another model.  I think you will find my model has more potential than either of the other two models.

In this week’s podcast, I cover the 3 models and give you help in making the shift.  Let me know what model you had growing up, and how you are changing it now.  Just leave a comment in the area below.

If you are ready for a new model, but are not quite sure how to get there, please grab my Save The Marriage System RIGHT HERE.

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When Personalities Clash: #55 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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How to save your marriage when dealing with personalities.Sometimes, we think we are just who we are, unique and special.  We like to believe we are just, well, “normal.”

I remember when I first took a personality test years ago.  It was the Myers Briggs Personality Indicator (MBTI).  I answered a bunch of questions and received a four-letter designation (not to be confused with 4 letter words that have been used to describe me!).

What amazed me was how accurate the description was for that particular type (1 of 16).  The designation helped me think about how I processed the world.

There is one problem, though.  That particular profile has lots of moving parts, making it a bit complicated for the typical person who is trying to figure out how your personality and your spouse’s personality makes your marriage more or less difficult.

Today, I want to offer a much simpler approach.  This approach, the Personality Matrix, has only 4 different types.  And you don’t even need a test to tell you where you fall.  When you hear my descriptions in the audio (below), you will quickly locate your primary type.  You will also quickly assess your spouse’s type.

You will also discover your greatest strengths and weaknesses — and how to escape your vulnerabilities.

More than that, I will share with you how to speak to your spouse’s type, so that you both feel more understood — and more capable of navigating the stuck points of your personality.

I invite you to leave a comment below, with the type you discovered and how you are going to make a shift away from your natural weakness.

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