How Do You Argue?: 3 Modes That Fail

150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

What role do you play when you are arguing?  How do you argue, and what could you do differently?Do you find yourself stuck in arguments in your marriage that never get anywhere?  Or maybe it is just a matter of useless “discussions”?

I was recently reading a book, and the author (Adam Grant) was noting 3 modes of communication that keep us stuck right where we are.  They were not just communication patterns, but thought patterns.  Grant noted there are 3 roles we easily fall into… and 1 mode that gets you out.

Here is the problem… the 3 roles that don’t work?  They are so easy to fall into.  In fact, as soon as I read about them, I was quick to see them in people all around me.  I noticed how so many people were interacting with me from those 3 roles.

And then, I took a big breath.  Because I needed to do a little self-check… a look in the mirror.  What role(s) do I fall into?  What was MY default?

More importantly, how could I make a shift to a better mode?

Here’s the thing:  we argue in the attempt to change the perspective or thoughts of another person… and they are doing the exact same thing.  No surprise that there is no change, right?  So we already know that the roles we play in arguing don’t work.  And yet (me looking in the mirror), it is easy to still slip right back into the same pattern.  We continue to do it again.  In hopes of a better outcome.

RELATED RESOURCES
Adam Grant’s Book, Think Again
Connecting is Critical
Understanding and Empathy
The Dangers of Convincing
Save The Marriage System

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Dr. Baucom is internationally known for his methods and approaches to saving marriages. For over 25 years, Dr. Baucom has been helping people around the world to save, restore, and create the relationships they desire and deserve. He is the author of the book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps, and creator of the Save The Marriage System, as well as numerous other resources.

All stories by: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.