Posts Tagged :

save my marriage

When Your Plan Hits a Wall
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Did Your Plan Hit A Wall?  What to do now...Your plan to save your marriage has hit a wall.

Maybe things were moving forward, or maybe they have been stalled from the beginning.  But your plan?  It hit the wall.

First, let me assure you that this is not unusual.  In fact, it is typical.  Most plans hit a wall before success.

Second, let me assure you that this does not mean you have failed, that your marriage has failed.

But let me warn you, when people hit the wall, many give up and walk away.  Many throw away their plan, their hopes, and their dreams.  Unnecessarily.

So let me say it again:  just because your plan has hit a wall does not mean your marriage can’t be saved.  It means your plan hit a wall.  Time to adjust and shift.  Time to process.  Time to find clarity.

But it doesn’t have to be time to quit.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover what it means when you hit the wall, why it happens, and how to get restarted — and not giving up!  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Book:  Marriage Fail Point – Why Marriages Fail and What To Do
You Need A Plan!
“I’ll Try Anything” Is NOT A Plan!
What “Space” Is About
Save The Marriage System

How to be the Bigger Victim
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

How to be a bigger victim.  Beat your spouse to the bottom… or end the victim game.Most people don’t come right out and say it, but they have a sneaking suspicion that they are the victim in their marital situation.  They believe they have been done wrong… more wrong than they have done.

Problem is, their spouse is believing the same thing.

Over and over, I watched as people seemed to make a mad race to be the bigger victim, each on their side of my couch, trying desperately to prove they have done all they can.  But their spouse….

It is quite a game.  Not one that either person is enjoying.  Yet both are playing.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you the rules of the game, why we play the game… and how to end the game… unless you really want to win it.  Then, you can use the information to do that… although I don’t know why you would really want to.  That game ends with 3 losers:  You, your spouse, and your marriage.

RELATED RESOURCES
NMF Syndrome
How NOT to Save Your Marriage
Being on the Same Team
Save The Marriage System

Action versus Distraction
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Taking Action or is it Distraction?A while back, I was talking with someone who was struggling with his marriage.  I made a couple of suggestions.  He pushed back.  He said, “It’s not like I’m not doing anything!”

“Great,” I said, “Tell me what you are doing.”

“I’ve read some articles and stuff.  I did some research. . . ”

He continued on for a few minutes.  But I quickly realized my friend had made a crucial mistake.  He had confused distraction with action.  He was worried about his marriage, sure.  But he was distracted.  His distraction was confused with action.

Nothing was happening.

When we talked again, a few months later, his wife had left.  He told me he “did everything he could.”

I asked what that was.  I suspected.  I was right.  He spent the time in distraction.  In the end, there was no action.

Are you making the same mistake?

I discuss the distractions — and the actions — in this week’s podcast.

RELATED RESOURCES:
This ISN’T A Plan
You NEED A Plan
Why Marriages Get Into Trouble
The System to Save Your Marriage

When Personalities Clash: #55 Save Your Marriage Podcast
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

How to save your marriage when dealing with personalities.Sometimes, we think we are just who we are, unique and special.  We like to believe we are just, well, “normal.”

I remember when I first took a personality test years ago.  It was the Myers Briggs Personality Indicator (MBTI).  I answered a bunch of questions and received a four-letter designation (not to be confused with 4 letter words that have been used to describe me!).

What amazed me was how accurate the description was for that particular type (1 of 16).  The designation helped me think about how I processed the world.

There is one problem, though.  That particular profile has lots of moving parts, making it a bit complicated for the typical person who is trying to figure out how your personality and your spouse’s personality makes your marriage more or less difficult.

Today, I want to offer a much simpler approach.  This approach, the Personality Matrix, has only 4 different types.  And you don’t even need a test to tell you where you fall.  When you hear my descriptions in the audio (below), you will quickly locate your primary type.  You will also quickly assess your spouse’s type.

You will also discover your greatest strengths and weaknesses — and how to escape your vulnerabilities.

More than that, I will share with you how to speak to your spouse’s type, so that you both feel more understood — and more capable of navigating the stuck points of your personality.

I invite you to leave a comment below, with the type you discovered and how you are going to make a shift away from your natural weakness.

4 Ways Your Marriage Is Slipping Away
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

As I sit here at my desk, we are faced with yet another brutal winter storm barreling down upon us.  We have already had a run of them this year, one thoroughly destroying the trees in my back yard with a huge coating of ice.  And here we go again.  More ice, more snow, more cold, more destruction.

This is a storm that the forecasters were telling me about almost a week ago.  They were talking about how this would impact us long before the storm was even on land.  But if they had not done that, I would have no idea I needed to go to the store and grab some “essentials” — especially some chocolate ice cream!

This morning, I was walking my dog, barefoot, in the neighborhood.  (To clarify, it was I that was barefoot — he always is!)  It was partly sunny and in the low 50’s, so I was barefoot and in a light top.

Again, if it had not been for the meteorologists, I would have no idea that destruction was headed this way. In fact, I was just thinking that not too many years ago, we would have no idea that the storm was coming, how bad it was, how long it would last, and where it would hit.  We would likely just wake up to a rough storm, rather unprepared.

Unfortunately, marriage is often like that.  I watch marriage after marriage where one or both did not see the problems coming.  They were left unprepared, caught up in the storm before they even saw it coming.  How long and how bad, often neither knew.

Why is it that people are so incapable of seeing the problems coming?  Why aren’t they better prepared for the difficulties? Simple.  Life kept them distracted.  In the process of dealing with “out there,” couples forget to deal with “in here,” inside the relationship, inside the connection with each other.  One day, one or both wake up, look at the other, and are amazed at the disconnection and frustration.

How does that happen?  Is it some malevolent person trying to destroy the relationship?  In my experience, the people involved in a dissolving marriage are not mean, not vicious, not evil, and do not mean to cause pain.  Instead, they are people that did not notice the building problems.  They didn’t know the storm was brewing, and didn’t know their actions (or inactions) were strengthening the storm.

I have noticed 4 very significant points where couples are destroying the foundation of their relationship, and are not aware of it.  These 4 points are all avoidable, if you know they are trouble spots.  But the time to take action is before the storm comes.  After that, the recovery is much more difficult (not impossible — just more difficult).

Here are those four points:

save your marriage pause button1)  Couples place their relationship “on hold.”

Kids, careers, friends. . . life.  Families are often built in the early stages of a marriage, at the same time that careers are being established.  Often, people are still very connected to their friends and hobbies.

I have heard it many times.  People thought their marriage was “on hold,” “paused,” waiting for the stage of life to pass.  One or both may somehow believe that when everything slowed down, they could return to the relationship and pick it up where it was.

Unfortunately, like many areas of life, there is no “pause” for relationships.  They are either growing or deteriorating.  “Pausing” begins the process of disconnecting.  Disconnection leads to hurt and frustration. More than that, since we all need connection, when the disconnection deepens, it leads to hurt and resentment.

The hurt and resentment continue to perpetuate further disconnection.  They cycle deepens.  And a marriage “on pause” simply becomes a disconnected relationship, fueled by hurt and resentment.

2)  Individuals change and grow, but without communicating it.

Whether people marry younger or older, individuals grow and develop.  In fact, the age of the couple at the time of marriage has very little impact on the chances of the marriage surviving. I have had couples argue it both ways:  “Since we are getting married so young, we will grow up together.” “Since we are getting married a little older, we have grown up, and know what we want in life.”

The fact is, getting married young or waiting to get married is less important than both people letting each other know about how each is evolving.  Unfortunately, how we are changing as individuals is often almost invisible to ourselves.  We don’t always even notice how we are changing, ourselves.

Which is why it is crucial for couples to continue having those conversations about what is important to each of them in life. Let’s go back to how most people fall in love:  we share our inner life, our hopes, our dreams.  We talk about our experiences and how they have formed us as people.  We discuss politics, beliefs, social issues.  We basically spend those early days of bonding by telling each other of h0w we have grown into the people we are.

And then, we stop.  Sometimes, it is gradual.  For many couples, it is abrupt.  Somehow, there is an assumption that the other person knows you, so why continue to share?  Or life gets busy (see #1, above), and conversations become planning sessions or gripe sessions.  Couples end up talking about all the things that are on the schedule or all the things that are going poorly.

The mundane and frustrating take over the dreams and hopes.  Aspirations disappear from the conversation, covered over by the minutiae of existence. Few people feel much connection in a discussion of the very busy schedule that is keeping them from connecting.  Fewer people feel much connection in conversations that only cover the frustrations of the day.

We humans are aspirational, driven by dreams and hopes.  We are pulled into conversations about those hopes, but tend to pull away from conversations about all that is going wrong. Is there room for sharing those frustrations?  Absolutely!  That is part of being in a supportive relationship.  The problem is when the preponderance of the conversations are focused on the frustrations.

A focus on the frustrations keeps people locked into the feelings of frustration.  And the more locked into those feelings a person is, the less capable that person is of seeing the other elements of life — the points of connection, of love, of respect, the view of the other person and of life in more complete ways.

When we become uni-dimensional, we skew our perceptions, reinforce those perceptions, and fail to notice the many challenges to those perceptions.

3)  Conflicts are down-played and buried.

Sometimes, people come to believe that if there is conflict in a relationship, then there must be a problem.  We have the mistaken nature that a conflict-free relationship is proof of a strong marriage.

In Scott Peck’s book, The Different Drum, Peck describes the path to true community.  He describes the first stage as “pseud0-community.”  I have borrowed his idea and placed it in the context of connection between a couple — intimacy.  From that frame, I discuss “pseudo-intimacy,” a stage marked by pretending that “we are just alike.”  A couple marvels about being on the same wavelength, of sharing identical beliefs and values.  As proof, they point to the lack of conflict.

In reality, this is a couple where one or both have refused to be honest and admit differences of opinion.  For the sake of maintaining pseudo-intimacy, the disagreements are avoided or denied, leaving a growing chasm between them.

You see, the conflict and disagreement do not go away.  It is just buried, slowly eroding away at the relationship.

Recently, in Australia, a coal mine caught fire.  It is not the first coal mine to do so.  A number of others around the world have caught fire.  Sometimes, the fire erupts from the surface, as in Australia.  But other times, such as in Centralia, Pennsylvania, which has been burning for 50 years, or in Jharia, India, which has been burning for nearly a century, the fire eats away at the underground, mostly invisible on the surface.  But as has happened in India, the burning coal finally gives way and collapses the surface, swallowing buildings and homes.

The same thing happens with buried conflict and anger.  The hurt and pain eats away at the foundations of the relationship, often invisible to the people in the relationship and to those surrounding.

As the buried conflicts build, a low-grade level of resentment begins to build.  Resentment is the left-over unprocessed anger from these conflicts.  Sometimes, the conflicts have flair-ups that go unresolved.  Other times, the conflict is just ignored or avoided.

But the hurt is there.  The hurt turns to anger.  The anger, unresolved, becomes resentment.  And resentment becomes a systemic infection to the relationship, killing connection and numbing people to the relationship.

One day, someone realizes that he or she is numb to any connection with the spouse.  The feelings of love have evaporated, the connection is gone, and they are too exhausted to care.  At which point, the other may proclaim, “I never knew we had a problem.  We never even had a fight or argument.”

The sad part of this process is that it was avoidable when there was a stronger connection.  When there is connection, a true and honest resolution to the conflict allows the couple to move through the stages of intimacy, finally arriving at genuine and authentic intimacy.

4)  Boundaries and expectations are never clarified.

When I visit with a couple before they get married, as they prepare to go into the new relationship, I ask this question:  “How will you protect this relationship?”  I am usually met with a perplexed stare.  Neither have thought about it, as neither can imagine either of them placing the relationship at risk.

Which is when the seeds of trouble are already sown.

A couple of years back, we had some bare spots in our back yard.  I willingly admit, I am not big on lawn care.  What I do, I do because I don’t want the neighbors to look down upon me.  But left to my own choices, I would live in a very natural surrounding, with little grass to be cut.

However, in our land of suburbia, the neighborhood is much more about a well-manicured lawn, lush and green, regardless of the weather.  So, I do my best to play the part of someone who cares.

Off I went to the lawn and garden section of the home improvement store (which shall remain nameless).  Without any research or reading, I grabbed the cheapest bag of “grass seed” I could find.  I place that in quotations, because in retrospect, I believe only a small percentage of the seeds were actually “grass.”  The others were, well, weeds.

But off I went, throwing seeds all over the bare spots, and watered them. I did just what I thought was necessary to get that lawn into shape.  But I hadn’t really thought through it, researched it, or considered it.  I just thought, “throw some seeds, water, and enjoy the green.”

So in a few weeks, when I noticed how many weeds were growing, I began to work to control the weeds.  Then, I looked into what I had done.  The “contractor grade” seeds did produce a green lawn — just not with grass!

Once the weeds were in place, it was a much more difficult job trying to get the upper hand.  They just seemed to multiply.  And suddenly, a much more drastic intervention was required.  I now get to pay a lawn service!

The same is true in a relationship.  When we don’t think it through on the front side, we end up playing “catch-up,” often having to take extraordinary steps on the back-side.  And that is especially true with boundaries of a relationship.

A “boundary” is simply what you will not let someone/something do to you or what you hold dear.  It marks the “boundary” of how you expect to be treated.  For example, a boundary may be an unwillingness to tolerate someone yelling at you or calling you names.  A boundary is step one; enforcing the boundary is step two.

Why are boundaries so important?  Because the world is constantly encroaching on the relationship.  Boundaries can include how you protect family or couple time, how you monitor threats to your relationship, and how you take care of your own health (mental and physical).

Often, couples quickly fail to protect the boundaries around couple time.  They stop making efforts to be alone.  They start allowing electronic distractions to overtake mealtime, leisure time, bedtime, and any other time that is left over.  The distractions of life pull attention away from each other.

Other more significant boundaries include how you protect marriage vows.  In fact, I am of the opinion that infidelity is a result of 1) lack of connection, and 2) lack of boundaries.

Any couple will go through times of more or less connection.  The real danger point is when there is a lack of connection and a lack of boundaries.  As I noted before, a lack of connection in one relationship leaves a vulnerability to seek connection from another relationship.  Unless boundaries are in place that protect the commitment to the relationship, the low connection point becomes a high danger point for the relationship.

It is easiest for a couple to establish the necessary boundaries of their relationship when there is no need for the boundaries.  When connection is high enough that neither want to be distracted by anything or anyone else, it is easiest to discuss the necessary boundaries.

But even when there is some level of disconnection, it is important to begin to build in boundaries to protect the relationship.  Ironically, when the boundaries are secure, the connection becomes more secure.  It feels safer to connect when the connection is well-protected and both are ready to protect the relationship.

What are YOUR weak points?  What places do YOU need to shore up your relationship?  Where do YOU need to resurface and settle issues, add protection, reconnect, and discuss what is important?

 

Do You Give Your Spouse YOUR Stamp Of Approval?: #29 Save Your Marriage Podcast
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

how to validate your spouse and save your marriagePeople are quirky.  We all have strange and interesting habits and interests.  No two people are alike.

Yet all of us crave one thing:  validation and approval.  We did it in high school (“I am SO different, along with everyone else”) and we do it through adulthood.

In fact, one of the aphrodisiacs of a relationship is feeling validated, approved, and accepted by the other person.

Does YOUR spouse feel validated and accepted?

In this week’s save your marriage podcast, discover how this can make or break a relationship.  Hear the 6 traps that may keep your spouse from feeling validated — and what to do about it!

Save Your Marriage Rule #10: Work On Yourself
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Save your marriage by looking in the mirror.Really, saving a marriage is a two-pronged process.

One is reconnecting the marriage.  We have spent a good bit of time talking about the rules of working on your relationship.  So let’s move to the second level.

Because the second prong of the process is working on and improving yourself.

At this point, you are saying one of two things to yourself.  You may be saying “absolutely, I need to make some changes!”

But more likely, you are thinking “why should I have to change?  What about my spouse?  Why doesn’t my spouse have to change?”

That is a fair question.  Just not helpful.  Would it be great if BOTH you and your spouse changes yourself?  Absolutely.

But you are the one that is here.  You are the one looking for help on how to save your relationship.

At a deeper level, though, a response that is about “why do I have to change?” also notes why we don’t change.  We are keeping score, looking at what the other needs to  do.

For myself, I am quick to acknowledge that there are always some areas I could improve.  There are always areas of growth and development.  In fact, some days, I am constantly tripping over the multitude of things I need to change about myself!

Part of what I see as the task of life is to always be growning and developing.  We ALL have places where we fall short.

So, just for a moment, if you are objecting to you having to change, let’s just set that aside.  Instead, see this as an opportunity to grow, to be a better person.

Which raises the question of why I think this is so important.

First, I have already stated my bias that life is about growth and development.  As Ray Kroc said, “you are either green and growing or ripe and rotting.”  I love that quote!

But second, in terms of the relationship, being a growing, changing, developing person is attractive.  Being stale and stagnant is, well, repulsive.

And in the process of moving from wherever your relationship is to having a deep and satisfying relationship, my guess is that one element that needs to shift is that attraction.  We all want our spouse to have that “in love” feeling toward us.  That is based, in part, on being attractive (not necessarily physically).

Time to head for the mirror!  Time to take a deep and long look into that mirror and ask “who do I need to become?”

One wrong answer:  “whatever my spouse wants me to be.”

Right answer:  “wow!  I know I need to address these areas in order to be a better person!”

In my System, I discuss boundaries.  Boundaries are ways you protect yourself.  A boundary is what you will not let someone else do to you, your marriage, or your family.

But there is a closely related term:  Standards.  Personal standards.

A standard is what you expect of yourself — the standard you hold.

For example, a standard may be “I am honest with everyone in all of my dealings.”

The space between where you are now and what your standard is, well that is your area of growth.

So, let’s start there.  What do you expect of yourself, but don’t currently measure up:
How you treat other people.
How you treat your own body.
How you interact with the world.
The attitude that you take toward life.
etc., etc., etc.

Then ask this: “what do I hear from my spouse/kids/friends on how I act that upsets them?”

Years ago, my sister-in-law (who was my brother’s girlfriend at that time) made an off-handed comment about my sarcastic sense of humor.  It was pointed and edgy.

I realized I did not want that to be my image.  I set out to change that.

My family will tell you, I can still be sarcastic/ironic/cynical for humor.  But it is nothing like it used to be!  And when I notice I am moving in that direction again (usually because I notice I hurt someone’s feelings), I know it is time for a mid-stream readjustment.

What areas do you hear from others where you need to change?

By now, if you are honest with yourself, you have the targets.  That is the starting point.

Time to work on those issues.

Don’t bite off more than you can chew, but start working on being the person you want to be.  Resist seeing it as all-or-nothing.  It is about growth.  Accept you will make mistakes and fall back into old patterns.

But over time, you will see that you are growing.  You are becoming who you need to be.  And guess what?  Those around you will see it, too.

Which brings us to a final point:  Do not TELL people how you have changed.  Don’t try to get them to see it.  Simply BE the change.  Let them experience you differently.  Let them discover you are different.  Then, they will know it is legitimate.

That’s it!  Those are the Top 10 Rules For Saving Your Marriage.  Are you ready to take the next step and really get going?  I invite you to grab my information by CLICKING HERE.

Rule 5: Accept that You and Your Spouse See Things Differently
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Perspective. An important word. Your perspective is the position from which you view the world.

You formed your perspective over a lifetime. It starts with your genetic makeup, then your gender shapes it. Then your family experience shapes the foundations. Then, every experience you have in life either confirms or changes your perceptions and your perspective.

Is it any wonder that you and your spouse are going to see things differently?

As I point out the obvious, let me also point out how often we forget that little fact: we see things completely different than anyone else in the world.

We all have an individual psychological reality — we all have a unique way of seeing and understanding the world around us and the meaning of events that unfold.

The fact that we see things differently is really not the issue. The problem comes when we forget this is the case. We stop realizing we are seeing things differently and think that we are seeing things “the way they are.”

And when a spouse sees things differently, we become convinced that they are not seeing things accurately. This often leads to one of two actions:
1) Trying to correct their “incorrect” view,
2) Wondering what is wrong with us.

First, there is a difference between “incorrect” and “inaccurate.” We all have inaccurate views of reality. They may or may not be incorrect.

I perceive events from how they affect me. I view actions in their impact upon me. You do the same. So, we are going to arrive at very different views of the action.

More than that, we generally tell ourselves stories that put ourselves in the best light.

I will admit it, I like to be:
–the good guy,
–right,
–and consistent.
How about you? Do you want to be the same? I think most people do. So, when I do something that is not so nice, I am going to tell a story that excuses me. And I want to be right, so I am tempted to make sure the “evidence” backs me up. And I want to be consistent. So I look for ways that keep me thinking the same things about myself.

For example, if I believe myself honest and truthful, but then do something that is dishonest, I must find a way to justify that. Otherwise, I would have to change my self-perception. We humans don’t like to do that. We like to be consistent.

So what does this have to do with your marriage?

Simple. We most often forget that people see things differently when we are dealing with a spouse.

It is that assumption that “we are on the same page” that really gets us into trouble.

How many arguments are simply a reflection of a difference of viewpoint? Think of parenting differences. Sure, there are some “wrong” things that a parent could do. But there are far more that are simply differences of perspective and viewpoint.

Yet these differences can end up feeling like “right vs. wrong.” And that is where the problems arise. When we lose track of the fact that something is a difference of opinion, we label it a right versus wrong. And then the arguments deepen.

Or how about with money? For some, money means freedom. For others, money means security. Freedom is all about what money can do for enjoyment now: free to go out to dinner, free to go on vacation, free to buy clothes, etc. Security is all about preparing for uncertanties: insurance, retirement, investment, etc.

Both are correct. And both can be out of balance. And even if a couple both lean toward one end or the other, what is okay for being secure or for enjoying freedom can vary.

No surprise that couples often argue about parenting and finances. And when couples dig in that one person’s view is correct, and the other person’s view is wrong, the arguments are headed nowhere.

That does not mean that everything is alright. It does not mean that every parenting decision or financial decision is just a matter of perspective.

But that is true. It is a matter of perspective — even if the action is “dangerous.”

When couples are able to discuss what is behind the perspective, the couple has a chance of at least understanding each other. Not agreeing, but understanding.

Rule 5 may seem obvious, now that I mentionn it. But how often do you forget it? How often do you assume that either you see things just alike, or that you are seeing things correctly?

Both get us into trouble. Assume you are on the same page, and you will quickly see where you are not. You will quickly discover the many places where you are not just on different pages, but in different chapters.

Assume you are correct, and you a) miss how often your perceptions are limited and b) close yourself off to greater and better options.

As I noted in the first rule, marriage is about being a WE. But I also noted it is not about being in a “mind meld.” Two indivicuals, bringing together their perspectives, is much closer to “reality” than only one person’s views.

But only if you acknowledge this and decide you will learn from ach other, and you will seek to understand where your spouse is coming from.

Be open to the possibility that you and everyone else has a different view of reality.
Be open to the possibility that somoeone else’s perspective may actually be closer to reality.
Be willing to learn from the different viewpoint. You don’t have to agree to understand.
Be sure to explore why your spouse sees something differently. Remember, you are different people with different experiences. That guarantees the specifics of how you view the world will be different.

Why We Don’t Change (And What To Do About It!)
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

A short break in the Top 10 Rules!

I was driving out of my neighborhood, headed to work today.  And I realized I was going a way I don’t usually go.  Or I should say “didn’t use to go.”

What happened?  How did I end up there?

Okay, so give me a second to explain.  There are 4 ways to exit my neighborhood from my house.  I always went with 2 of them.  Then, they decided to do some roadwork off the main road that encompassed two of the exits.  And when I say “roadwork,” I mean wet tar, wet oil, pieces of scrap metal, etc.  In other words, nothing I wanted to drive through!

So, I decided (note I said “decided”) to go another way.  The next day, I head off to the office.  And I find myself driving the old way.  I fussed at myself and turned around.  That afternoon, I automatically headed in the old way.  I fussed at myself again!

The next day, I very purposefully set out to go the new way. . . and started to turn the old way!  “What is up?” I asked myself.  I corrected, and went out the new way.  The next few days, I forced myself to remember to go the new way.

One day, I noticed I was headed out the new way, and hadn’t had to be so purposeful.  It was just the new way out.  And today, a month after the work ended (and therefore my original reason for changing), and I found myself headed out the “new” way (which is quickly becoming the old way!).

How many times do you hear people saying “that’s just not me”?  Often, it is about some change — new hairstyle, new clothes, etc.  Any change somehow challenges our perception of “me.”  Even if the challenge seems fairly innocuous, if not downright useless.

Yet we tend to stay in our routines, regardless of how useful that routine may be.  If our routine is to eat that snack just before bed, even as the scales are warning us about how the “me” is expanding, we are likely to keep on snacking.

Neuroscientists can tell us that the more we do something, the more the habit grows.  And as the habit grows, we create a “groove” in our neurology.  We connect our neurons to that certain habit.

The longer we do the habit, the deeper the groove.  The deeper the groove, the harder the habit is to break.  And the more we begin to see that habit as part of the “me.”

Which means that I discuss doing something different in their marriage.  I request they act differently toward a spouse, stop yelling, bring flowers, call to update, etc., etc., etc.  And the response I get is “I can’t do that.  I just can’t change.  That’s not me.”  Precisely, I think to myself.

But the “me” they are operating from is NOT working, and IS causing a problem in their marriage.  So why not try to change?

BECAUSE CHANGE IS HARD!

At least in the beginning.

Until the change becomes habit — becomes the new “ME.”

Which brings us to the important piece, “what to do about it!”  We all know change is hard.  But change is life, right?

So, let’s start with this:  if it ain’t working, time to change.  Let’s just agree to that.

If we can’t agree to that, then the rest is irrelevant.

Still with me?

Okay, so let’s first define what it is you need to change.  What do YOU (not your spouse, as you have no control over that) need to change in how you interact with your spouse?

Write that down.

Now ask yourself this:  “Is that really a core piece of myself?”  “Does it really define me as a person?”  “What if I do it differently.  Will I be an entirely different person, or will I just be interacting differently?”

Be clear about that.  How you interact is not who you are.  It is a habit of interaction.

Next step:  what is the better way to interact?

Why is it a better way?   Again, be clear about this.

Now, notice when you usually do the old way.  Imagine a time when you did just that, then reimagine it with the new way.

Next step:  assume you will not be perfect.  Remember my driving?  I kept leaving the old way.  But I stopped and corrected.

Same for you.  When you try the new way, if you find yourself starting down the old way, stop.  Apologize, and try it the different way.

Then keep on trying the new way.

One day, and in not as long as you think, the new way will be the old way.

Keep changing.  Keep evolving.  That is the nature of life.  It’s all about growing!

Ready to make a change in your marriage?  CLICK HERE.

Rule #3: The Feeling of Love Follows Loving Action
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Two people meet, fall in love, and feel the pitter-patter of their heartbeats forever.  They always have that love-sick look in their eyes, even when they are apart.  That is proof that they are the right people for each other.

Or at least Hollywood would have us believe it!

And that one myth is more destructive than almost any other about love and marriage in our culture.

Myth.  That doesn’t mean false.  Just that it does not represent fact.

Here is the truth:  the feeling of love, of being “in love” ebbs and flows through the course of a marriage lifetime.  Sometimes, the feeling is overwhelming.  Other times, it is, well, underwhelming.  Sometimes it is entirely absent.

That does NOT mean the wrong two people got together.  It does NOT mean the marriage is doomed for failure.  It does NOT mean there is no future path.

Think about that term, “madly in love.”  Madness is the same as crazy.  And those endorphin/hormonal/emotional rushes that come at the beginning of any relationship really is just that:  craziness.  In fact, fMRI scans, showing the brain activity, would show the same overactiveness in the brain of an infatuated couple as is seen in those that are insane.

Thank goodness that state equilizes and normalizes!  Otherwise, little would be done in this world by couples.  The single-mindedness of that early stage preempts much useful from happening.

Which is point 1 — that feeling of “crazy in love” is not sustainable.

But point 2 is that doesn’t mean romance of a relationship is gone forever.  Only that there is a shift underway which is widely misunderstood.  And when something is misunderstood, we usually mess things up by taking wrong actions.

So, point 3 is that the feeling of being in love is not dependent of acting in loving ways.  In fact, that is part of what creates the feeling.  Not the other way around.  We do not act in loving ways because we are “in love.”  We are “in love” because we act in loving ways.

Think about it for a moment:  isn’t that what happened in the beginning?  You feel some pull toward someone else.  You are attracted to them, “infatuated,” you might say.  So, you do loving things.  The other person is feeling the same way, and is acting in loving ways.  And there is a back-and-forth interplay of receiving the love, and then acting lovingly.

As that builds, infatuation fuels the love from not only being attracted to someone but getting to know them.

Here is where the story can go in one of two ways.

First, the road that destroys a relationship.  Life begins to creep in.  Perhaps those little idiosyncracies begin to drive you a bit crazy.  Perhaps the schedule doesn’t prioritize the relationship.

At some point, one — and then both, stop acting in loving ways.  They are wanting the love to be shown toward them, but don’t take the time to show it back.

The built-up warm feelings begin to cool.  The reserve is tapped out.

Then, one or both begin to feel unloved.  Feel unloved, and without making a conscious decision to do otherwise, you will stop acting lovingly.

The exact process that led you to fall “in love” is mirrored in the process to feeling disconnection and disdain.  The road up is mirrored by the road down.

Road two is a bit different.  The couple realizes that to maintain a connection, they must prioritize around maintaining the connection.  In order to feel loved, one must be loving.

And most important, there is a realization that the feeling of being “in love” is always (not sometimes, but ALWAYS) fueled by acting lovingly.

As has been said before, “love” is a verb.  “I love someone” is really “I will act lovingly toward someone.”

So why do 50% of the married population follow road 1?  I have come to believe that much of the reason is lack of understanding.  We have been raised on a constant diet of the romantic feeling of love.  We have not taken in the “feel love as a by-product of acting in loving ways.”

When the feeling is missing, we make the natural assumption that something is wrong.  We believe we must have either done something wrong or have the wrong person.

Let me pause just for a moment and tell you that there are times when the wrong two people do get together.  Sometimes, there are some very deep and clear moral divisions.  For example, one believes that an open marriage is fine, while the other believes in monogamy.  Or one person believes that criminal activity is acceptable, but the other believes in truth and honesty.

But too often, two people with too much in common and lots of shared history, one day realize they do not feel “in love,” and begin to believe that they have made the wrong decision.

And they take apart what could be a wonderful, loving marriage.  Mostly because they simply misunderstand what it takes.

Back to our two paths.  Let’s assume that the couple from road 2 keeps on keeping their relationship as a priority.  They treat each other with respect, and act lovingly.  They can continue on that path for a lifetime together.

But more likely for you being on this site, you are not on road 2, but on the first road.  This road is full of people stuck, people feeling hurt, rejected, and hopeless.  Couples on this road move to less helpful and more destructive patterns.

The more unloved we feel, the less loving we become, left to our own devices. Spin that through a couple of cycles, and the relationship can feel hopeless, the couple helpless to stop the process.

But here is the amazing thing:  you can CHOOSE to act lovingly at any moment in time. You can make a conscious decision to stop acting in “less than loving,” if not downright destructive ways, at any time.

In his book, Success Principles, Jack Canfield makes the observation that there is a great equation that can help us all:  E + R = O

The equation says that Event + Response = Outcome.  We often forget the R, our response.  Society often makes us feel that Event = Outcome.  When something happens to us, it creates the outcome.

What Jack is telling us is this:  we ALWAYS have a choice in how we will respond to any Event.  Fact is, there is always a response.  Sometimes we pretend that there is no other possible response.  But there is.

One of my favorite authors, Victor Frankl, states that “Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”  He continues that “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Powerful words from a man that survived the worst that a Nazi concentration camp could throw at him.

How much less to choose to act lovingly toward our spouse, regardless of what comes our way — regardless of how our spouse chooses to treat us.

Remember, your spouse is acting in a way that reflects what he/she believes is true about YOUR actions.  What if both of you are acting in “less-than-loving” ways, justifying it because of the lack of love on the part of your spouse?

That feeling of love becomes strangled by the lack of acting lovingly.

So now it becomes a choice.  You can ALWAYS choose to act lovingly.  Make that choice, starting NOW!

Are you ready to take action — positive action?  CLICK HERE to learn a step-by-step guide to rebuilding your marriage.