Posts Tagged :

stop your divorce

“How I Saved My Marriage”
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

HowYouSavedYourMarriageMany times, in the midst of trying to save a marriage, the anxiety and fears can lock you up, overwhelmed with what to do next.

When that happens, the outcome is often a lack of change, motivation, or action.

And things continue in the downward spiral.

So today, I want to invite you to use your imagination — a little Jedi mind trick.  Imagine that you DID save your marriage.  You HAVE created a loving, supportive, respectful marriage.  You look forward to spending time together.  Your issues resolve themselves peacefully and effectively.

Now, you are looking back to see what you did, in order to save your marriage.  You notice how you approached the situation, how you dealt with the issues, and how you moved forward — even in the face of frustration and difficulties.

In today’s podcast, we reflect on “what you did” to save your marriage — and by doing that, we create a path for you to do just that:  Save Your Marriage.

Listen below.

(and if you are ready to take action, CLICK HERE FOR MY SYSTEM)

Is Your Marriage On Life Support?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Is your marriage on life support, with someone ready to pull the plug?Is your marriage on life support?  You keep watching as the life slowly leaks away from your relationship.  Maybe you feel powerless to turn it around.  But is it too late?

When a marriage gets into trouble, there are 4 distinct levels to the crisis (this is not the same as the Stages I note in the Quick Start Guide in the System).

Here are the 4 levels:
1)  Marriage Issues:  This comes along early in the relationship, when the fundamentals aren’t addressed.  Beliefs and expectations keep tripping up the couple.
2)  Marriage Problems:  Issues aren’t solved.  So, now there is hurt.  Then fundamentals were never solved, and issues were never solved.  This leads to the hurt.
3)  Marriage Crisis:  The hurt from unresolved problems has led to anger and resentment.  Both are feeling less motivated to do anything.  Both resort to finger-pointing and blame.
4)  Marriage Disaster:  One or both have given up, and apathy is replacing the anger.  Blame is the predominate interaction.

Sometimes, people believe that things are improving, but they are really falling into disaster.  Learn the 3 reasons for this, along with what to do at each level in this week’s podcast below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Tools for Connection
What Happened To The Dream?
We ALL Have Issues
“I Thought Everything Was OK”
Save The Marriage System
VIP Program (If you have the System)

It Is NOT Enough To Just Stop A Divorce
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

You may be at my blog for any number of reasons:  saving a relationship, stopping a divorce, addressing an affair, thinking about a separation.  Likely, you are here because of a marriage crisis, not for pleasure reading, agreed?

Many people want me to help the stop a divorce.  But over the years, I have realized that stopping your divorce is just not enough.  My job, my mission, is to help you improve your marriage.  I do not think it is adequate to simply stop a legal process and have a marriage just keep limping along.  There are a couple of reasons why.

First, I truly believe that life is just too short to be in an unhappy marriage.  And life is too short to suffer all the pain of a divorce.  But life is well lived, learning how to be in a loving and supportive, intimate marriage.

Second, when people tell me “I just want things to get back to the way they were,” I happen to know that “where they were” is how people get to “where we are.”  Again, heading back to that is heading back to stuck.

Third, marriage is something that should be cherished, nurtured and protected.   Not doing that means that we have really missed out on an opportunity for growth and enlightenment.

So, notice that my site is not  named StopYourDivorce.  It is Save The Marriage — save YOUR marriage, and make it something great!

Ready to join me?  Learn more by going to the home page of Save The Marriage.

Saving Your Marriage: What Does Pavlov Have To Do With It?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Remember Pavlov and his dog?  In this famous experiment,Pavlov and Saving Your Marriage Ivan Pavlov would ring a bell and then feed his dog.  He repeated this process over and over, and then he just rang the bell.  No food.  Remember the dog’s response?  He still expected the food and started salivating!

We can all be clear that Fido was not sitting there thinking “dinner bell just rung, so here comes my dinner!”  Yet that is exactly what his body was doing, getting ready for dinner.

Are we so different than the dog?  Oh, sure, we can think in words, so we can do a little reasoning.  But we are still creatures of conditioning.  When we go to a movie, popcorn suddenly sounds good.  When we hear the icecream truck, we start thinking about how good that icecream would taste (Talk about a business taking advantage of Pavlov’s research!  Kids salivating at the ringing of a bell!), when we hear the angry tone in our spouse’s voice, our stomach tightens.

See how I dropped it in there?  Indeed, Pavlov and his dog have a great deal to do with our marriage.  And here, they have a good bit to do with our saving our marriage.

You see, we condition each other in a marriage.  Over time, it is as if both of us are Pavlov, and each of us is the dog, simultaneously.  At the same time I am being conditioned, I am conditioning.

**SIDE NOTE:  if you are not familiar with the term “conditioning,” it is a term from psychology that talks about how a behavior is structured by a set of inputs.  When I “condition” my dog to sit on command, I get him to sit, then reward him.  First input, my command to sit.  First response (hopefully), he sits.  Second input, I reward him.  Second response (if all has gone well), he learns that if he sits on command, he gets a treat!**

Now let me be very clear here.  I am NOT calling your spouse a dog.  I AM stating that we humans also respond to this “stimulus-response conditioning.”  In fact, we have so much coming at us that we do many things on automatic, as we just can’t think through everything.  So, our brain takes shortcuts.  We learn a response, and we use it over and over.  Sometimes, it is helpful.  Sometimes, it is not.

Imagine for a moment that you are sitting at the table, working on the bills.  In walks your spouse with what you interpret as a scowl on their face.  Without really processing it, your brain notes that it has seen that look before, and things did not go well.  So, trying to shortcut the problem, you say “what’s wrong with you?”  What you might not notice is something your spouse noticed:  a little edge in your voice.  Ouch!

“Nothing is wrong.  Why do you always assume something is wrong?”  Already, you have been trying to figure out how to get the bills to fit into the money available, and already have some adrenaline running through your system.  And that is all it takes.  Each of you have a bit of fuel thrown onto your flames.

In seconds, a quiet afternoon erupts into a relational wildfire.  And as both of you keep digging into your bag of learned tricks, you find more and more fuel to dump on the flames.  Soon, every weakness, slight, and pain from the years of your relationship are heaped onto the table.  And there seems little way out.

Sound familiar?  Change the circumstances just a bit.  Do they fit the pattern for you?  Or perhaps you have followed that path so many times that you have another conditioned response:  silence.  Freezing silence to prevent the fire.  It just doesn’t seem worth it anymore.

One of the things we humans do not like to admit is how much we work on automatic, how much we are conditioned to respond.  We pretend that only animals are that easily influenced.  Somehow, our higher capacity of thought is supposed to keep that from happening(!), but nothing is further from the truth!  MUCH of our lives is run on a simple “stimulus-response” capacity.

So why not use that to your advantage?  Why fight it?  Instead, befriend conditioning and make it work FOR you!

First, consider what ALL the research shows:  positive conditioning is MUCH more powerful than negative conditioning.  In other words, if you want to try to use conditioning, reward the behavior you like. . . and ignore the behavior you don’t like.  You see, when you give negative conditioning, you are still conditioning FOR the behavior.

Let’s think back to the toddler years.  A child is walking through the aisles of the store, sees a toy he MUST have, and tries to get you to buy it.  You refuse.  He melts down, goes to the floor in tears, and wails as if he is on the edge of death.  You:
a) grab that toy and buy it (positive conditioning for negative behavior),
b) grab that boy and drag him out of the store (negative conditioning for negative behavior, showing him that his fit DID get a response),
c) stare at him quietly, giving no cues to what you think, but giving him that slight “you look foolish, and it ain’t working” bemused look.

Outcome to a):  he will throw a fit whenever he wants something.  Outcome to b):  he will throw a fit when he wants your attention.  Outcome to c):  he learns that the fit does not work, so he gives it up.

Application:  when your  spouse does something you like, let him/her know it, loud and clear!  If your spouse does something you don’t like, as long as it falls short of abuse or danger, ignore it.

Back to the bill-writing episode of the spouse with the scowl.  Why even respond?  If something is wrong, isn’t it up to that person to address it, bring it to your attention?  Otherwise, we are training our spouse that we will try to read their mind — a recipe for disaster!

Assume that, unless your spouse approaches you about what is behind that scowl, it is their issue.  It is up to them to address, not up to you to discover.  Let it go, and move on.  Remember, you are conditioned, too.  And you need to recondition yourself.

Second, notice when you are automatically reacting.  Look for it.  Here are some places to look:
a)  when you are repeating the same arguments, and they start the same way,
b)  when you find yourself wondering why your spouse is not responding to some action, expression, or tone you are using (maybe they read this first!).
c)  when you feel your gut tightening, a sure sign that you are caught by some pattern.

Marriages do not suddenly fall apart.  They are taken apart, brick by brick.  Pattern after pattern, conditioned response after conditioned response, the foundation is taken apart.  And marriages are not saved in an instant.  They are rebuilt brick by brick.  But the rebuilding starts when someone decides to stop acting on automatic.

Sometimes, It Is Just Easier To Give Up, Call It Quits. . .
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Couple Disconnected. . .throw in the towel, walk away.

Easier.  But better?

Let me tell you about Rod and Penny.  They had been married for 17 years when they hit a tough spot.  Both “tried to get things better,” although neither told the other.  Then, both began to truly believe that the problem was the other one.  With fingers pointed at each other, they came into my office, loaded.

They had a list of grievances.  Both were ready to unload, to have me play judge and assign fault.  I think both wanted me to tell him or her that he or she was innocent, and the whole problem with the marriage was the other.

I resisted, knowing that each had been a part of the problems.  Instead, I tried to understand what was happening to the relationship.  I listened as one would start a story, only to have the details either challenged or corrected.  Quickly, we got off-track and derailed.  The bickering was non-stop.  The animosity was far too clear.

Finally, toward the end of a session, Rod turned and said, “I’ve had enough.  It would be easier to just quit.”  The room was silent for a moment.  Then I asked, “is that what you really want?  Is that where you are?  Ready to give up?  Or are you just frustrated and feeling hopeless?”  Rod was silent.

In the midst of pain, we tend to easily confuse what would be easy and what would be useful.  We confuse what we want with wanting to stop the pain.  Caught between seeing more pain and seeing an end to the pain, we tend to want relief.  But our sight is usually a bit clouded.  Our emotions fool us into looking only at the pain, not the possibility.

I must admit, I am not much on giving up  on a marriage.  In fact, I really believe that marriages are way too important to simply quit on.  Not that I think all marriages have to stick it out.  In fact, I am clear that abusive marriages are outside of what I think should be saved.  The danger is too great.

Problem is, we live in a society that is too often looking for the “easy” answer, the less painful way.  Only to learn that it is neither easy nor painless.  In fact, part of the reason I hold so strongly to marriage is because I know the people on the other side.  The ones that threw in the towel, walked away, called it quits.

I have met VERY FEW that say “I am so glad I did that.”  In fact, the vast majority tell me quite the opposite — “why didn’t we fight harder?”

Sometimes, the seemingly easy path is really the most dangerous path.  And what looks like the most painful path is, indeed, the better way.

Video: I Can’t Get My Spouse To Go To Therapy!
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Many people think the only way that their marriage can be saved is through marital therapy.  So, when a spouse refuses to go, you might think you are out of luck in saving your marriage.  Can the marriage be saved without therapy?  Absolutely!

In fact, marriage therapy has a dismal track record!  At least 50% of couples who go to marital therapy still divorce (higher than the general population), and only 10 to 15% report any positive benefit!

Learn the truth in this video.

Save The Marriage Video: I Keep Messing Up. What Do I Do?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Do you find yourself in a panic, making a crisis even worse?  Does that mean you can’t save your marriage?

Time to discover what you need to do if you want to save your marriage, even if you are making mistakes.  Let’s face it:  you are in the midst of a crisis, and most of us do not do well with fear.  But that doesn’t mean there is no hope.  We just need to get you back on track!  Learn how to save your marriage, even if you keep messing up!

Video: What If My Spouse Wants A Divorce?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Has your spouse asked for a divorce?  Are you wanting to stop the divorce.  Can you save your marriage, or is it too late?  We look at these questions in this video.

My belief is that you can STILL save your marriage, but let me tell you more about that in this video.

Video: Can You Fall In Love Again?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

We recently looked at where the love went.  Today, we want to examine the question, “can we fall in love again?”  A crucial question.

You see, I don’t think you should just be saving your marriage to avoid divorce.  I believe you can and should be building an exceptional marriage.  A marriage crisis does not mean you simply limp along into the future.  You grow, learn, develop, and create a marriage much, much better than ever before.

Want to know what can happen?  Watch this video to help you save your marriage.

Save The Marriage Video: I Thought Everything Was OK! What Happened?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

A marriage crisis can rear-end you!  You feel like you didn’t see it coming.  At least weekly, I hear from someone telling me that they knew their marriage was not going as well as they would like, but they thought it was temporary.  Maybe they expected that once the kids were grown, there would be time for the marriage.  Or perhaps they thought that once their jobs were secure, or they were promoted, or. . . .

Fact is, marriages can fall apart, and one or the other spouse doesn’t see it coming, making you wonder “can this marriage be saved?” or “can I save my marriage?”

Start by learning what happened in this video.

  • 1
  • 2