Posts Tagged :

can separation save a marriage

Separation: Can It Save Your Marriage (Or Cost You A Marriage)?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Can separation save a marriage?You want to save your marriage.  Your spouse seems to only want to destroy it.  That is a pretty common scenario for people who visit my website.

And so, I often have the question asked, “Should we separate?  Will a separation save my marriage?”

Can a separation save a marriage?

Short answer:  yes, it can.

Longer answer:  a separation can save a marriage, but it is statistically unlikely.  And in my experience, a separation is a step in the wrong direction.

Fairly recent statistics show that around 79% of couples who separate end up divorced.  In other words, 8 out of every 10 couples who separate will divorce.

I view separation as an absolute last resort to save a marriage.  It is, in my opinion, that unlikely to help.

But here is the thing:  if you are stuck in a conflicted and hurting marriage, it can be a very appealing solution.  And yes, you can find “fans” of separation.  There are people who tell you it is an important step in restoring a marriage.

Those people are ignoring the statistics.

They are appealing to your sense of relief that can come from a break in the conflict.

But are there better solutions?  Absolutely. Here is one.

In this podcast training, I tell you why separation is problematic — so that you understand that.  I also tell you how to structure a separation, if it is inevitable and a last resort.  Listen below for help with separation.

RESOURCES:
Article on Separating
Save The Marriage System
Virtual Coaching Program (IF you have the System)

 

Can A Separation Really Save A Marriage?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Saving a marriage by separationWere you watching the Today Show this morning?  After a Wall Street Journal article, a segment on how a separation saved a marriage was on.

Which means that countless couples this morning are contemplating separation.  Some are hoping it will save their marriage.  Others simply want justification to get out (“let’s separate and see if that helps”).

The stories noted above are about a couple that wrote a book about how their separation saved their marriage.  The danger is in the extrapolation:  “it can save your marriage, too.”  And in a VERY limited number of cases, they may be right.  But in the vast majority of couples, a separation is exactly what I have been calling it for years:  “a dress rehearsal for divorce.”

Let me be a bit more blunt:  not everyone dies from cancer.  Many survive.  That doesn’t mean I want to take a risk and get cancer!  I’d rather avoid it altogether.

That said, I have worked with couples that have separated and gotten back together.  It is just my opinion that this is really a last ditch effort.  Sometimes, one person insists and there is nothing more that can be done.  The separation is going to happen, and one has to bend to the will of the other.

In that case, I have a few suggestions.

1)  If possible, opt for an in-house separation.  That means that you stay in separate bedrooms, and create boundaries of separation.  For example, you may agree that after dinner (or after work, or whatever you decide), you will go to your “neutral corners.”  That often gives the emotional distance necessary to cool off, but it keeps the family intact.  It also avoids the substantial costs of the second household.

2)  If you do separate, be clear about how and when you will maintain contact.  If you decide to break off contact, you are taking a huge leap toward the dress rehearsal.  But if you are intentional about maintaining contact, then there is somewhere to move toward.  Schedule phone times, time together, etc.  And be specific about it.  No generalities.  There is too much room for avoidance in generalities.

3)  No dating during the separation.  Some people argue that you should date.  I would argue that during a separation, you are still married.  You have vowed to be faithful, and being otherwise only multiplies the problems and divides the chances at reconciliation.

4)  Have a specific time-frame.  No need for a minimum, but definitely a maximum.  For example, you may say “we will separate for no more than 3/6/9 months, and then sit down and decide where we are.”

5)  Try to keep the family routine as normal as possible.  At this point, the children need to feel that life is normal and not falling apart.  Dealing with marriage issues is one part.  Dealing with family issues is an entirely different piece.

6)  Be civil.  Kindness and politeness makes a huge difference.  If you are trying to reduce the conflict, and that is the reason for the separation, then reduce the conflict.  Make a conscious effort to be civil toward each other.  But go one more step and look for the positive in the other person.