October 2020 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Marriage Lie #1: “If It’s Work, It’s Wrong”

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg October 28, 2020 October 27, 2020

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 28, 2020

“I give up,” he said, throwing up his arms. He was ready to leave the session. But before he walked out, I asked, “Can you tell me what just happened? Why are you giving up?”

He told me, “Look, we have struggled during this marriage. Not just now. Other times. I just believe that if you are struggling in a marriage… if things aren’t just moving forward… it isn’t meant to be. It’s wrong.” And he turned to leave.

I responded, “Well, that’s a big fat lie you are believing!”

He stopped, looked back at me, and said, “You have 10 minutes to prove me wrong.”

This wasn’t the only time I have encountered this lie. And let me be fair: he wasn’t meaning to lie to me. But he was. In reality, though, he was repeating a lie he believed. There is nothing so dangerous as a lie that we believe, but is entirely false!

My client was ready to leave his marriage because he believed the lie.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I start a series on the Lies of Marriage. These lies are things people believe (and act on, because they believe them) that are false, untrue… a lie. But when they take on a life of their own, they unnecessarily destroy marriages.

In this first episode, I tackle the lie, “If you have to work on it, the marriage is wrong.”

Listen below.

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When Your Plan Hits a Wall

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 21, 2020

Your plan to save your marriage has hit a wall.

Maybe things were moving forward, or maybe they have been stalled from the beginning. But your plan? It hit the wall.

First, let me assure you that this is not unusual. In fact, it is typical. Most plans hit a wall before success.

Second, let me assure you that this does not mean you have failed, that your marriage has failed.

But let me warn you, when people hit the wall, many give up and walk away. Many throw away their plan, their hopes, and their dreams. Unnecessarily.

So let me say it again: just because your plan has hit a wall does not mean your marriage can’t be saved. It means your plan hit a wall. Time to adjust and shift. Time to process. Time to find clarity.

But it doesn’t have to be time to quit.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover what it means when you hit the wall, why it happens, and how to get restarted — and not giving up! Listen below.

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DWYADAYGWYAG

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 14, 2020

No, a toddler didn’t take to pounding on my keyboard. And no, my new puppy didn’t paw my keyboard… well, at least on for the title.

Yep, I meant it: DWYADAYGWYAG.

But to back up, have you ever noticed how we get stuck in repeating patterns? Many simply serve to keep us stuck in life. Not moving ahead. Stuck.

But alive!

And that is what the brain registers. Sure, maybe what happened yesterday was not exciting. Maybe what you and I did yesterday, to make it through the day, was not exciting. But we survived.

Lesson learned. What we did yesterday kept us alive. Plan for today: do it some more.

Same in relationships.

Staying alive is not the same as thriving… and is actually not a guarantee of future success. But it worked yesterday, so our brain assumes it will work for today.

DWYADAYGWYAG

I’ll tell you more about what that means, and how to get beyond it, in this week’s episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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What About Love?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 7, 2020

A podcast listener (accurately) noted that I don’t talk too much about love. The listener wanted to just get back to the love they had shared at one time, and wanted to know how to fall back in love.

I responded with, “What do you mean by ‘love’?” The response started with “I don’t know,” and continued with “but how do we fall back in love?”

And there is the root of the problem. We have been struggling to define and describe what love even is for centuries, if not millennia. And we are still trying.

More than that, the loving feeling is not what you really are trying to return to. It is certainly a side-effect, but not what you want to try for.

And more than that, love is not even a clear indicator of marital success — maybe because it is so hard to define and describe.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I talk the question, “What About Love?” Where does it fit into your efforts to save your marriage? Where does it fit into any marriage?

Listen in below.

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