Strong Marriages Are Grown. They Don’t Just Happen!

• April 28, 2011
• Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
• no comments

I opened an email this morning and read a line I see several times a week: “if my marriage is meant to be, then why is it so tough?”

Sometimes, this question is tossed at the person trying to figure out how to save his or her marriage. They write and ask me “how do I save my marriage when my spouse keeps saying it is just to hard, so it must not be right?”

To both, I have the same answer. And it is a very short answer: who told you it should be easy?

Seriously, why do we have such an aversion to the possibility of struggle and growth?

Avoid one, you avoid the other.

Is love supposed to be easy? I certainly don’t think so.

Now don’t misunderstand me. I don’t think anyone should cause more problems, just so you can struggle! But that is different than avoiding struggling.

Just yesterday, I was sitting with a couple. They were treating each other so civilly. They poured good manners toward each other. . . almost too much so!

Finally, I asked about their “emotional constipation.” Everything, good and bad, was all stuck inside. So nothing was making it into the marriage. They were as stuck as their emotions.

But just yesterday morning, I had another couple that suffered from “emotional diarrhea.” No matter what the matter, both dumped their emotions on the other. That isn’t it, either.

But what if we assumed that growth happens from struggle? If you want to build a muscle, what do you do? Don’t you stress it and force it to work? Then it compensates by growing.

The same with a relationship. If we avoid the struggle, we avoid the chance at growth. If we avoid the chance at growth, we become stagnant.

There is NO perfect marriage at “I do.” There is only potential. It is like getting a driver’s license. That doesn’t mean you are a great driver. Only that you can begin the process of becoming a good driver.

So, your mission, should you choose to accept it, it to grow into your marriage. Take the potential and develop your marriage into a marriage you can treasure and love.