Can Sex Save A Marriage?

• August 9, 2011
• Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
• 2 comments

(And can the lack of sex destroy a marriage?)

I always venture into a conversation about sex with a bit of trepidation.  Reason being that while few want to talk about sex, everyone has an opinion, and an emotional reaction to the topic.

If you are in a marriage in trouble, and sex is one of the issues, then there is even more energy around this topic, and even more of a chance for emotional responses.

That said, this is a very important topic.  So important, in fact, that I devote quite a few pages to it in my Save The Marriage System.  And a big enough issue that when people report on why their marriage ended, sex is in the top 3 reasons given (along with finances and parenting).

Why is it such an emotionally charged topic?  Simple.  It is one of the taboo topics in our culture.  By the way, you may notice that so are finances and parenting.  How many times have you, at a cocktail party, started a conversation with “how’s your sex life with your spouse?” or “how much money’d you make this year?” or “can I tell you something about your parenting?”  Oh, sure, we talk about these issues with our closest friends, sometimes.  But usually with a good bit of emotion, joking, tears, or because of a crisis.

So, even perspiring a bit, I press on.  Can sex save a marriage?  Can a poor sex life destroy a marriage?  Easy answer:  perhaps.

First, let me say that we humans have a wide range of sexual appetites, both in frequency and style.  So, to think that a marriage is going to have two equally interested partners is fantasy.  And that often begins the troubles.  What starts as a loving gesture of connection begins to be a struggle of interest, and then a struggle of wills.  There is going to be a winner and a loser.  And at that point, a great method of connection begins to be a great method of struggle.

Clearly, since sex ends up being in the top 3 of marriage-enders, it can certainly destroy a marriage.  A power struggle eats away at any marriage, leaving little room for growth, but plenty of space for stagnation.

Marriage is about partnership, being a team, connecting.  Sex is about connection.  Or should be.  So when sex is missing from a marriage, it begins to be a place of struggle.  No longer connection, it begins to be isolating.  Often, at the first stage, one wants sex and the other resists.  Both begin to feel isolated, one pressured and one rejected.  Isolation moves toward disconnection.  Until, at some point, someone decides that he or she “can’t take it anymore,” and decides to make the isolation legal.

So, that really gets us back to the topic at hand:  can sex save a marriage?  I answered already with “perhaps.”  So, let me elaborate a bit.

To be clear, sex is no panacea.  A broken marriage is not going to suddenly be healed by bedroom activity.  In fact, going from no sex to lots of sex can lead to anger and resentment:  “why wasn’t it like this before I decided to leave?”

But sex IS another way to connect and reconnect.  It CAN help move a couple toward renewed commitment and feelings of connection.

Too often, we underestimate how powerful sex is, and how important it really can be.   We often decide it is just about someone wanting to “get off,” or as I heard several times in my office last week, “get release.”  We get into that old “either/or” thing of it is only about the desire for pleasure.  It is possible that sex can be because it feels good AND it leads to connection.  It really is often a “both/and.”  But the more a couple struggles, the harder it is to see this.

People also tend to underestimate the deep feeling of rejection felt by the person who is wanting to have sex.  And since, in many relationships, that falls more and more to one person, it is possible that the person rejecting has not felt that in a VERY long time.

Now, the other side:  sex cannot be about pressure.  It must be about mutuality, and with respect.  Otherwise, it does merely become a physical release.  That does not mean that both are equal in their desire.  Only that both seek to be respectful and understanding of the needs of both.

Can sex improve a marriage?  Definitely.

Ready to save your marriage?  Grab my system HERE.