“It REALLY IS His Fault!” – Self-Deception

• May 1, 2012
• Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
• no comments

And that was the start of our session!  Sue was convinced it was Jack’s fault.  Which led me to ask, “why isn’t Jack here?”

“Oh, he is very busy. . . and I felt guilty about dragging him in. . . and he said that if I would just let him miss this time. . . .”

I had heard all this before.  My office is filled with people wanting to save their marriage.  In fact, they almost always start their phone call with “save my marriage, please!”

Then they start explaining why it is not THEIR fault, but the other person’s fault.

So, what happened the next week when Jack came in?  It was not his fault!  It was THEIR problem, though.  And the first step in solving any marriage problem is to get BOTH to see that NEITHER can be fully blamed.  And either, or both, can take responsibility to address the issues at hand.

Does that mean that saving a marriage is a task for just one?

No, but it does mean that one person can actually start the process.

But step one is to stop the “Blame Game.”  Start looking for responsibility.  “What can I do in this situation, to start moving it toward success” is far better than “This is all his/her fault.”  Or the variation I love, “I know it is not his/her fault entirely, but it is probably (choose any number over 50)% theirs.

If only it were that simple!  Even actions that lead to issues have starting places that included both people.  But more about that later. . . .