Chasing Is Killing Your Chances

150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Do you find yourself chasing after your spouse?  Do you keep wondering why your spouse is so cool, distant, aloof, and emotionally unavailable?

You may be pursuing your spouse, and in unhealthy ways.  In fact, your spouse may be running away faster and faster, because your spouse is feeling the pursuit.

Why does this happen?  Is it you?  Is it your spouse?

Perhaps it is each of you, and perhaps it is both of you together.

Either way, the outcome is rarely positive.  You may feel abandoned and your spouse may feel suffocated.

If you are just noticing the tendency to chase after your spouse, it is time to change it, before more harm is done.  And if you are working to save your marriage, it is even more important to manage the emotions and the desire to chase.

Learn why this dynamic happens, and what to do to stop it.

The Save The Marriage System
The Virtual Coaching Program (email me)


Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Dr. Baucom is internationally known for his methods and approaches to saving marriages. For over 25 years, Dr. Baucom has been helping people around the world to save, restore, and create the relationships they desire and deserve. He is the author of the book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps, and creator of the Save The Marriage System, as well as numerous other resources.

All stories by: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
  • Benjy79

    What happens when you made this mistake. Pursued to point of her filing for divorce. Divorce final and both have separate houses. I have not spoken to her except about the matteres of our children in over a month. I still want her and love her. She doesn’t want me anymore.

  • Hi Benjy,

    As you might suspect, that is not a short answer!

    It sounds like you went from chasing to nothing. “Nothing” is really no better than the chasing. Neither are effective.

    It is really about finding a space to exist, an awareness of the emotional space between you, and entering carefully.

    If you are interested, please check out my Virtual Coaching Program:


  • mandy

    I’m in a similar situation.. he ended things in December, moved out March 1st. We never formally married so there was no “divorce” but we’d been together 11 years, owned a house, my parents home, have 3 cats, car, joint retirement plans, etc. He left, bought a new house & we’ve split all out assets.
    Up until he moved out we spent weekends watching movies, he still came to bed each night (nothing physical) & still ate dinner together… like nothing had changed. Initially he said I was “dead to him” & that he didn’t love me anymore. Few weeks later he said he wasn’t sure about our future and “you never know what would happen”
    I’ve continued to make contact attempts with one-way emails, texts and have asked him to lunch and a movie but he doesn’t want to meet up. At first he’d reply to my emails or thank me for delivering his mail & say “hi” and was friendly – now he’s very distant. He no longer initiates contact & no longer thanks me for bringing him his mail…
    I’ve read Save the Marriage & continue to work on myself but I feel like the longer we’re apart the more cold he grows toward me.
    Podcasts on how to connect when the spouse is gone from the home would be helpful

  • Hi Mandy,
    Please take a look at the Down N Dirty Guide (part of the System) for information on building that connection.
    Also, I have some pretty extensive training in my Virtual Coaching Program on using the Tools of Connection that you would find helpful.
    Email me ( [email protected] ) for more info about that program.

  • Hi Terese,
    It looks like you are doing just a bit more than “leaving it in God’s hands.” You are still looking for information.
    Good for you!
    Yes, you do have to let go of the outcome, but there is plenty of help and resources out there to give you assistance.
    If you have been the chaser (from my podcast) and suddenly stop doing anything, that is really no better.
    My advice: get the info you need, create your plan, then follow it.

  • Pripet

    Hi Lee, my hubby has been talking about divorce but says he loves me. He leaves with his mother and she doesn’t like me therefore supports his decision. She doesn’t even seem to care about our children’s well being. Please help!

  • Hi Pripet,

    Thank you for stopping by. Given the nature of a public blog, it is not a great place to try and work out the issues of a particular situation.

    This is especially true, since I know so little about your situation.

    Let me invite you to grab my Save The Marriage System. That may give you some help to work through the issues between you and your husband.

    Best wishes.

    Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

  • Glenda Ann Toler

    I’ve been with my husband now for 17 years. We’ve been married for 10 I have tried almost everything to make our marriage better but he’s dead set on getting a divorce. We went to marriage counseling but the preacher split us up during the therapy. Intimacy is still here but the love and compassion isn’t. What do I do? We have 3 kids two 5 weep Oles and a 2 year old