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saving a marriage before it begins

Is Marriage An Outdated Idea?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Over the past few years, I have begun to notice a trend in articles questioning the long-term survival of marriage.  Some have called it a dinosaur with no place in today’s society.  Others just note it is an outdated idea.  The real question is whether marriage has any role in society.

The largest evidence used is the divorce rate.  We quickly spout off the divorce rate as 50%, but we are noticing the actual rate is in the 40%’s.  So, while not 1/2, way to many people are unable to save their marriage and end in divorce.

Interestingly, statistics show that most people average between 4 and 10 jobs in their adult life, many ended in firings, yet I don’t hear cries for ending work, calling it an outdated idea (as much as many would like to!).

Why does marriage get a bad rap?  Perhaps the real issue is our way of preparing people for marriage is not just outdated, but non-existent.  People have a very low RQ (relationship Quotient).  They don’t even understand what creates a successful marriage.  So when a marriage cannot be saved, when a divorce cannot be stopped, do we blame the couple or think that perhaps society has failed them?

But the idea that marriage is outdated misses one central and unavoidable need of humans:  a constant and consistent connection with someone.  Isn’t that really what we are all seeking when we fall in love?  Someone to spend our lives with, to lean on (and be leaned on), to live in mutual support?

We have that need hard-wired into us.  A great deal of research on attachment theory has proven that if this need is not met, we actually suffer physically, psychologically, and emotionally.  In other words, we are wired for intimate relationship.  We are wired, in other words, for marriage.

The real problem is not with an outdated idea, but with a lack of education and understanding on how to sustain and grow a marriage.

It is much easier to learn how to build a marriage than struggle to figure out how to save your marriage.  People could stop a divorce by knowing how to build a marriage.   That really is the issue, isn’t it?

What do you think?

“Can EVERY Marriage Be Saved?”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I get asked this quite frequently.  And my answer is “No, not every marriage can be saved.  But many more can be saved than are.”

Here is what I mean:  a solid marriage is created by two people.  However, one person can choose to end it for any number of reasons.  Sometimes, the reason is good.  For example, someone may choose to leave an abusive relationship.  Or someone may decide that being married to an addicted person is hurting them too much to stay.

But many times, people end marriages for the wrong reasons:  they feel unloved or unaccepted, they think somewhere else or someone else is better, or they think that they have lost love.

These are all issues that can be addressed and solved, and once it is solved, the marriage can even be stronger!

But many people are unaware of another solution.  And sometimes, people want to take the “easy way out.”  I put that in quotes because in the end, divorce is no easy way out.  It just pretends to be.

Marriage takes effort.  Marriage takes knowledge.  Marriage takes two people willing to let down their defenses, and to join together as a team.

Can every marriage be saved?  No.  But can YOUR marriage be saved?  You won’t know until you give it a try.  Learn what you need to in order to save your marriage here.

The World Is Tough On Marriage!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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It is tough to watch the news and NOT see the assault on marriage. And no, this has nothing to do with same-sex marriage. I am talking about the cultural ethos about marriage. Now, in all the years I have been blogging, I have chosen NOT to talk about the scandals of the stars.

But Woods, Edwards, Jolie/Pitt, and many others seem to beg the question: is happy marriage possible? Well, the answer is absolutely! The news is the news because there is footage and people will follow it.

Reports about the “happily married couple continue to love and appreciate each other” just doesn’t titillate the way a good scandal does. The rich and famous sure seem to be willing to serve up the scandal!

What does this really mean? Perhaps that relationships involving the self-involved and narcissistic are tough to maintain.

Recently, I have been teaching a class on raising responsible kids in a narcissistic world, so the question has arisen, “why do these people shoot themselves in the foot?” My answer is because being surrounded by people who say “yes” to every movement, decision, and action creates the situation where reality becomes a more and more distant truth. “Reality” becomes whatever I want to believe, because there is no reality check around me.

Marriages work when two people decide to work as a team, not so much when either one or the other sees him- or herself as superior and above the rules. Marriage works when both people defend their relationship and guard against dangers. One major danger is attraction to other people.

Somewhere along the way, we seem to have forgotten that attraction to others is natural. Sexual attraction is not an aberration, but a natural part of existence. So the task is not to pretend there is no attraction to another person, but to guard against that attraction threatening the marriage!

Because we have forgotten this fact of attraction, we think that the attraction to another person is somehow 1) proof we should be with someone else, and 2) proof that there is something wrong with our marriage. Neither are true, but both beliefs can destroy a marriage.

Saving a marriage often starts by keeping a marriage out of trouble. Watch Tiger Woods and Jonathan Edwards. Now, when the problem is deep, both are doing backflips to save their marriages — but the real issue is stopping the POTENTIAL for problems.

Guard your marriage. Guard your relationship. And remember the humility of realizing that nobody is above the rules. Marriage is about vigilance from outside dangers as much as the connection and love inside the relationship.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .