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Monthly Archives :

January 2007

Why “Let’s Talk” Doesn’t Work
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Sometimes, when a couple is having trouble, they decide to try to deal with it. And when they decide to deal with it, sometimes they are effective, and other times they create more damage.

Today, a quick note about the damaging approach: The Big Talk about the relationship. You know the one; it’s the talk that will pull things back together. You will share, your spouse will suddenly understand, you two will make up, and marital bliss will follow. OK, that’s the mental picture you hold.

I’m afraid I have to break the news. That talk is not going to go the way you want it to go. In fact, you are likely to find yourself in the midst of a fight, worse off than you were before.

The reason is this: marriages get in trouble because the level of intimacy has either always been off, or has gotten off-course. That may seem obvious, but the side-effect of this is that when you are trying to have “The Big Talk,” there is not enough intimacy in the relationship to contain it.

So, you end up with a defensive spouse who feels threatened by being “pulled into” a discussion that was not his or her idea. Then he or she feels blamed, no matter how you try to explain your fault (if you see any) in yourself.

Usually, we play out the scenario in our minds about the conversation, how we will start it, how our spouse will respond, and how it will end. But our spouse doesn’t know the script, and doesn’t even know we have been pondering the conversation, until he or she hears “we need to talk.” That will strike fear into anyone (probably even stronger in men).

So, right off the bat, anxiety is up, fear is rampant, and the possibility of actually hearing is reduced by 90%. The rest is just playing out the recipe for disaster.

That doesn’t mean you don’t talk. It means you build intimacy along the way, before you have the bigger, deeper talks. Spend time reconnecting, being friends, having chats about your thoughts and your life (outside the relationship). Once that level of intimacy is reached, it is possible to have deeper talks, but by that time, it won’t be “The Big Talk,” just another talk about your relationship.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Resolutions for Your Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

New Year’s Day has now passed. The frantic pace of the holidays is behind us. And life is beginning to return to normal. Perhaps you made some resolutions for the new year. Some may have been made in the rush of a New Year’s Eve party.

Take a moment to think about resolutions you might want to make for your marriage. I think of resolutions as an opportunity to be intentional about things. Many make intentionality a magical, mystical transformation. But I see it much more simply. When you decide to be intentional, you work toward that goal.

For example, when I decided to write a book, I became intentional about it. I began to focus my life around that goal. When I had some time, I chose not to watch TV, read a book, or divert myself in some other way. Instead, I took the time to write my book. In that way, my intention of writing a book became an actuality. The intention led to action.

When you become intentional about making some changes in your marriage, you begin to reorganize your life around that resolution. This can lead to great changes.

But when you consider the resolutions, don’t aim for too many shifts. Aim for 1, 2 and no more than 3 items to focus your attention upon. Make sure they are items you can accomplish and act upon. But don’t start with large items.

Small shifts can lead to bigger shifts. It is the ripple effect, like throwing a rock into a pond. Several years back, I found myself out of shape and feeling bad. I made a decision to jog a little. When I did that, the ripples began. When I chose to eat, I was a little more careful, not wanting to ruin my jogging effort. As I ate better, I became aware of how many soft drinks I was drinking, and I cut back on that. Then, I realized how much caffeine I was drinking, so I changed that. By then, I was up to running more. The ripple effect continued. Last year, I ran a trail marathon, all the ripple effect of jogging a little!

So, make a resolution to change your marriage. Become intentional about making your marriage better, and find 1 to 3 specific items you can do to make a difference, then put your mind to it!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Do Holidays End Marriages?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Here it is, January 1, New Years Day. Several major holidays for any number of countries and belief systems have passed. I decided to respond to a question repeatedly posed to me recently: do holidays end marriages?

Holidays certainly can put a strain on marriages, and for a marriage already deeply in trouble, the strain may be the final straw for couples. However, this is not the common reason for the rash of marriage separations and divorces around the holidays. The real reason is one step off.

Marriages are not ended by holidays. People choose to end marriages after holidays. When someone has made a decision to leave a marriage, the central question left is when to leave. And this is often a matter of practicality. Most people want to minimize the pain other people feel. So, the leaving is often calculated to lead to less pain.

Holidays bring a great deal of emotion and sentimentality for people, so often, people try to delay pain beyond the “big day.” When the question of when to leave is a decision to be made, people can choose to wait until a holiday has passed, then reveal the decision.

Unfortunately, this can be quite a shock and surprise to the one being left. Often, he or she has been kept “in the dark” throughout a spouse making a decision to leave. So when the holiday passes and the spouse leaves, it appears that the holiday led to the end of the relationship. And since there is already a great deal of stress in the relationship, the holiday will likely not go well, and this creates even a stronger sense that the holiday did the damage.

Do not be fooled into believing that the holiday was the reason for the failure of the marriage. That is likely not the issue. It may have been stressful and difficult, but the decision was likely already made.

If you find yourself in the midst of a marriage separation after the holidays, I hope you will take a look at my ebook, Save The Marriage. I include a Quick-Start Guide to help you take immediate action.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .