September 2007

I finally decided to say this in my blog. . . because I keep saying the same thing in emails! It started this morning. Another email telling me that she wanted to save her marriage, but that she had filed for divorce. Her question was how to start the conversation with her spouse.

My answer is “stop the legal process!” There is nothing in that process that will help get people back together. There is nothing that will help to solve the problem by filing for divorce. There is nothing in the action that will get the attention someone might be looking for.

Yet every week, I receive a couple of letters that say the same thing: “I don’t want to get divorced, but I don’t know what to do, so I filed.” Somewhere, I still fail to see the logic here, even though I know what they are thinking.

At some point, the desperation gets to the point that it feels like there is nothing else that can be done (there is. See my ebook.) But when it doesn’t feel like there is anything to be done, we start making panicky, foolish decisions. Filing for divorce is one of them.

Many people have told me that the only reason they filed was to get their spouse’s attention. Instead, the majority got a divorce!

An attorney may tell you that you can stop the process as any time. That is true, in the theoretical sense. But once someone files, something changes psychologically. When the case is listed in court with the “versus” between the names, they are not kidding! The process is adversarial by its nature. A relationship is being taken apart. And the effect on each person’s psychology is devastating.

What saddens me is how many OK marriages, marriages that could and should be saved, are tossed away because someone decided to file — didn’t want to file, but didn’t know what else to do. If you are in that situation, please let me remove that option from your vocabulary!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.