August 2008

I have to pause and make a personal comment. You see, on August 13th, my wife and I celebrated 20 years of marriage! I tease that it was one hot day when we got married. It was in the mountains, but we really didn’t expect 90-some degrees, and since the stain-glass windows matched the bridesmaid’s dresses (hey, it was the ’80’s!), they were closed. . . many people thought I was tearful through the service as my father handed my a handkerchief. Actually, I was wiping sweat away!

Anyway, I was just thinking about those 20 years and the changes they have brought! We have two wonderful children, lots of experiences, and a great marriage. Some folks might say “oh, sure, you are a marriage expert.” But trust me when I say that your own marriage is a whole different creature than someone who is coming to you for help.

I firmly believe that 100% of marriages have difficulties. It is just the nature of being so intimately connected with someone else. You can’t go through too much life that closely connected without having conflicts and difficulties. But we have a commitment to get through those tough times. Marriage is about savoring the good times and working through the tough times, as a team.

Just the other day, we had a disagreement. During a lull in our discussion, my wife went downstairs. I soon followed, just to get another point on my side of the debate column. In the midst of my “making my point,” my wife looked at me and said, “look, we are in this for the long-haul. We have to work it out, and this doesn’t seem to be helping.” I agreed.

Several people have made this point, “you can be right or you can be happy, but you can’t be both.” When we opt for “right,” we end up in arguments that are rarely productive and usually about fairly trivial issues.

Marriage certainly is a challenge, but marriage is a challenge that leads to growth and change. It is like building muscle. If we don’t challenge our muscles, we don’t build any strength. When we opt to work through our struggles, we strengthen our marriage.

So here we are, twenty years later! Strange how we arbitrarily choose certain years as representative of mileposts in life. Twenty years is one of those years. But you see, I think a marriage is built day-by-day. Couples decide to work together each day, which add up to weeks, which add up to months, which add up to years.

In those years, we have been through financial struggles, professional struggles, transitions from graduate students to professionals, from childless to parents, had some health struggles, and more than our share of joys in all those areas. And through it all, what I am most thankful for is that I knew I had someone on my side, and I was on someone’s side. I am always aware of how much better it is to face the world together than alone.

My wife has supported me in many ventures, some that worked and others that failed. I have tried to do the same. My wife has loved me whether I was sick or well (and I am not fun to love when I am sick!). I have tried to do the same. Through it all, we are a team, and for that, I am most thankful!

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