November 2008

In the United States, it is around Thanksgiving, a time set aside to be thankful. For far too many people, it really becomes an opportunity to eat a big meal, watch a little football, and take a few days off work. Too bad!

What an opportunity to set aside a time to do what we should always do: focus on that for which we are thankful. In fact, the latest research on our health and our ability to thrive shows that those who are thankful and express gratitude live longer, have more meaningful lives, and report higher levels of happiness.

Trouble is, when we have problems, we tend to forget to be thankful. This often has very detrimental effects on our lives and our relationships.

One place this is particularly true is in marriage. Usually, we start relationships being so thankful for the person we met. In fact, when I am talking with pre-marital couples, this is a common theme. It never fails that each is thankful for having found the other. And they can even tell me what they are thankful for.

Then, somewhere along the line, as arguments and conflicts take their tolls on the relationship, we begin to lose track of that for which we are thankful. Suddenly, we are much more aware of what the other person does that bothers us (or doesn’t do that bothers us). We lose track of what the other brings to us and to the relationship. And that is when the relationship hits the wall.

In fact, I believe that this process is what creates the real crisis. When we fall out of touch with being thankful for our spouse, our spouse begins to feel unwanted, unloved, unappreciated, and “wrong.” That is when people start asking “what did I do wrong?” with no answer. You see, our minds either operate on gratitude and thanksgiving or fear/hurt and protection. There is not much in-between.

Soon, neither can tell someone what they were thankful for, and then, neither can even tell what he or she likes about the other person. At that point, contempt and anger begin to set the emotional tone of the relationship. We begin to focus on what we are not getting, completely ignoring what we are getting.

Sound familiar? If you are in that situation, it is one all-too-common, and one that is entirely avoidable! But the time to turn the tide is now. In order to make the shift, you have to take the relationship off automatic, which is where gratitude turns to resentment and thankfulness turns to insufficiency.

Our minds work in predictable ways, when we don’t intervene. But we can easily intervene. We just have to quit allowing the process to run on automatically.

Here are some steps to return to thankfulness and gratitude:

1. Remember that no spouse is as bad as we paint them in our down moments. Our perceptions are skewed when we are upset, angry, or resentful.
2. Remember that people really do the best they can, where they are. This does not mean someone couldn’t do better, only that they are doing the best they can now.
3. Remember what you loved and appreciated in the beginning. In fact:
4. List what you would have said at the beginning of the relationship to this: I am thankful for my spouse because. . .
5. Ask yourself whether those items are still true. If so, focus on being thankful for those items. If not:
6. Ask yourself whether they are really not true, or if you just refuse to see and acknowledge them. Often, we lose track with our spouse’s true nature, and create an image that is not true, then keep looking for facts to support that image.
7. Work to accept your spouse. In fact, this is the greatest, most important point of all. We all deserve to be accepted for who we are (not the same as how we act). We all want that from our spouse, but few want to extend that to our spouse. This has the power to transform your relationship with your spouse.

Thanksgiving always begins with acceptance: “Thanks for getting us this far. We can go further, but we are glad to be here.” Isn’t that the real message of Thanksgiving Day? Be thankful for where you are, wherever that is, because it is not where you were before. Look forward to bigger things, better days, by starting with acceptance of where you are and who your spouse is. Then move from there!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Do I have your attention? Are you thinking I am blaming you for your marriage?

That is not my intention. The reality is, though, that you are searching for help with your marriage. So, there is nothing I can do about your spouse, but there may be something I can do to help you change, or even save, your marriage.

I constantly hear cries of “it’s not my fault,” or “there’s nothing I can do.” That misses the fact that in any situation, there are two sides contributing to the problems at hand. It may be that your spouse is the primary problem. But honestly, I always see that there are two sides.

In fact, I have come to see relationships like algebra (no math lesson here, as it is certainly not my favorite subject, but I want to make a point). In algegra, there are always two sides to an equation. And both sides are held together by an “equals” sign. One side must equal the other. Make a shift on one side and you must make the same shift on the other side. In other words, both sides must be kept balanced and equal.

The same is true in marriage. If one person makes a shift, the other person must make a shift, just to keep the relationship equation in balance.

You may have already tried making shifts, and become increasingly frustrated that you can’t seem to do anything that makes a difference.

I would submit to you that there is one fundamental shift you can make that will change the relationship: your attitude. One of my favorite writers was Viktor Frankl, survivor of the concentration camps. And my favorite quote from him is “The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose ones attitude in any given circumstance.”

We tend to give up that freedom. We allow the other person to change and affect our attitude. Often, in the midst of a crisis, we find that we have lost our natural attitude and have become something we are not. It is always possible to choose to correct this.

Let me be more clear: you can choose your attitude. If you do not, the attitude will choose you, and it will likely be negative, short-sighted, ego-centric, and incorrect. A choice in attitude can lead us to hopefulness, patience, understanding, love, respect, and creativity.

Some helpful attitudes:

• An attitude of Forgiveness. We can choose to take on an attitude of forgiveness, and simply let our spouse “off the hook” for every small transgression. I am not saying that you just forget major issues. In fact, forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is not allowing the actions to hold you emotionally hostage anymore. More specifically, forgiveness is letting go so that YOU do not have to carry it around. And too often, it is the small issues that do the most damage, the daily “slights” that we build up until we see the other person as despicable.
• An attitude of Acceptance. What would it mean to accept your spouse, just like he or she is? No more attempts to change, either directly or by manipulation, your spouse into what you want. You simply accept him or her for who he or she is. That would be a great gift. . . and is the start of true love.
• An attitude of Respect. Let’s face it: when we live intimately with someone, we see them at their weakest. Sometimes, we see only the weakness and stop seeing the greatness. We, in essence, lose respect. But what if you focused on their strengths, their gifts, their quirkiness, and decided to extend respect? That may revolutionize your relationship.
• An attitude of Civility. I was recently listening to a recording about providing good customer service. The expert suggested you remember what has been done to you. Do the things you liked, don’t do the things you didn’t like. (Sounds a great deal like the Golden Rule!) That would be civility. Don’t like to be yelled at? Don’t yell. Like to be treated lovingly? Treat lovingly. You get the idea.

Think of it this way: if you do not take back control of your own attitude, someone else gets to control it. And from what I see on a daily basis, when we do this, we are always on the losing end of the deal! We are much better off assuming control than being controlled. Your attitude is yours. Treat is as such!

So, if you want to change your marriage, start with your attitude. You can probably think of many other attitudes you could choose. Go do it! Transform your marriage!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

What is Baucom’s wager? Glad you asked. But first, you get a short history/philosophy lesson. I promise it won’t be painful.

Back in the 1600’s, philosopher Blaise Pascal was struggling with the many topics that could not, at that time, be proven. He was pushing for people to use reason. Into that fray he stepped, trying to address belief in God. The obvious then is still the obvious: God remains unprovable (and undisprovable) by science. So, Pascal saw it as a matter of faith.

He proposed a wager that is now know as Pascal’s Wager. The wager is this “People should believe in God, as it makes reasonable sense. If you believe in God, and there is no God, you have lost nothing. If you believe in God, and there is God, you have gained everything. If you don’t believe in God, and there is God, you lose everything.” In essence, the only losing position was not believing in God, and finding that there is God. For Pascal, it was clear that it only made sense to believe in God.

Now, here is Baucom’s Wager. I apply it to whether or not you should work to save your marriage. Don’t worry, it is not about God, merely that I am borrowing Pascal’s frame. So, here is my Wager:

• If you work on your marriage, and it cannot be saved, you have lost nothing.
• If you work on your marriage and save it, you have gained your relationship.
• If you do not work on your marriage, you have lost the relationship.

In essence, it is reasonable to work on the relationship. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain!

Let me know what you think about my wager, and if you are ready to take the wager, you can grab my ebook and special reports.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Today, in the US, it is Election Day. By tomorrow morning, we will have a new president elected.

We talk a good bit about the responsibility and the right to vote, to let our voices be heard. Sometimes, especially when you are on the losing end of that decision, it can seem like a lesson in futility. So many voices shouting to be heard. So many voices not heard. But that is the nature of a democratic process. It is not the individual voices, but the combined individual voices that make a difference.

You may be wondering: what does this have to do with marriage? You see, I am not here to convince you to vote for a specific candidate, or even to vote in today’s elections (however, if you choose not to vote, you do give up your right to complain later).

My interest in this context is your marriage. You see, we vote in lots of ways every day. When we decide, for example, to work on our marriage, we have voted for the marriage. In fact, I have often used that analogy with couples struggling to decide on whether to stay married or not. Often, one will want to stay in the relationship, and the other is undecided. That feels like pressure on the one that is undecided, so I will note that the reality is this: one has voted, and we are waiting for the other to cast the deciding vote. In order to stay married, it requires an unanimous decision. One vote for and one against or two against end the marriage. One for and one undecided means we still have to wait for the final vote. Two votes for, and the marriage will survive.

As I see it, every day requires at least a tacit vote to be married. Sometimes, when we make that more conscious, we get better results. If, every day, we say, “I choose to be married. My vote is to stay married,” we are much better off.

May I invite you to cast your vote of “be married?” We will have to wait for your spouse’s vote.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.