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Monthly Archives :

January 2009

The Ice Storm Cometh! (And Taketh. . . Power!)
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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The week started like any other. The kids headed out for school on Monday, with a little snow on the ground. I worked on Monday, writing and consulting. Then Monday night came. And boy, did it come! We awoke Tuesday with ice coming down, well worse than ice — freezing rain.

The schools canceled classes early in the morning. We had already been awake to find that out. Then, at 7:10am, I heard my cell phone’s tone when the charger is disconnected — except I hadn’t unplugged it! Then I heard a series of pops from around the neighborhood. The ice had built up too much on the trees, and the branches were giving way. Then the powerlines were giving way. And now you know: we were in the dark!

There are hundreds of thousands without power. My family is just one of many. So, after thinking it through for a few hours (along with the power company telling everyone that it could be a week to 10 days until the power was restored), we took a few things and moved into my office. Fortunately, my office is located in an old house, so we have basic home furnishings. We are truly fortunate compared to the many that are in shelters.

Our house grows colder and colder. The days grow longer and longer. It was just a few short months ago that we lost power for 8 days when the remnants of Hurricane Ike came through town.

So, my daughter decided that maybe God was trying to teach us a lesson (don’t we all wonder when we are having tough times?). My wife said immediately, jokingly (sort of), “Yeah, God’s telling us to move!” My thoughtful daughter responded, “No, I think God is telling us we take too much for granted. We should be more grateful for what we have and should be thinking of others less fortunate!” Ah, my wise daughter.

Now, forget whether this is God teaching a lesson. The lesson is still true. We too easily get used to what we have, and take it for granted. Sometimes, tough times can remind us of this.

Tough times in marriage are no different. The struggles often make us appreciate the good times even more. Tough times pass. Tough people move through them.

For all those cold and in the dark, my thoughts and prayers are with you. For all those in difficulties, including marital difficulties, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I am thankful for moments that remind me of this (even if I am also hoping for power SOON!).

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
How To Stop An Affair: A Starting Point
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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How do you stop an affair? That is a frightening question for anyone in the midst of a marriage threatened by infidelity. Unfortunately, that places you in easily 1/4 of all marriages.

Yep, that’s right. The statistics show that 25% of marriages suffer an affair. And to be even more clear, the survey is focused on physical affairs.

The percentage suffering from an emotional affair is much higher. That would tell us that marriages are threatened by infidelity.

The major reason given by those who have affairs? For physical affairs, the reason given is sex. For emotional affairs, the reason given is attention.

In reality, the basis is the same. We all have a need to feel wanted, even desired. Unfortunately, this is one area that tends to fall to the side in marriages. Daily life take over the feelings of romance and passion that usually mark the beginnings of a relationship.

In fact, marriages that keep some energy on passion and connection have a much lower incident of infidelity. The need is met within the marriage.

So, what do you do if there is an affair? How do you stop an affair? Those are tough questions, and this article does not allow enough room to fully cover the issue. Let’s look at a few hints and helps.

1) Commit to working on the marriage. commit to staying together. I say “commit” because the feeling of betrayal can be so strong that you may only want to quit.

2) Focus on forgiving. This is a big topic! But to quickly put this in perspective, forgiveness is NOT giving permission. It is not letting someone “off the hook.” In fact, forgiveness is not even primarily for the other person. It is for you, so that you do not have to carry the pain around with you.

3) Take a look at where your marriage was before the affair. Had you lost contact with each other? Was the passionate part of your relationship gone? This will tell you what needs to change in order to get back on track.

4) Take responsibility for your role in where the relationship was. This is NOT taking responsibility for your spouse’s actions, but for where the marriage was.

To follow up on this, I often hear people say “I thought our marriage was fine. I don’t know why it happened.” But pushed a little harder, it is possible to find the disconnect, the lack of passion, the seeds of the affair.

Since you cannot control your spouse’s behavior, you can’t force him or her to stop the affair. But you can work to create a relationship you both would protect and treasure. That is the beginning point of how to stop an affair.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Midlife Crises and Affairs Go Hand-In-Hand
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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OK, I know the subject may seem obvious. All the stereotypes of midlife crises include an affair, new car, new job, extreme sports, maybe even plastic surgery!

Too bad because that misses the point of a midlife crisis. A mid life crisis is really about someone seeking meaning in life. Trying to figure out what to do that would bring meaning — that is the real issue. The reason: we all have a need for meaning in life, and the majority of people don’t really know how to find it.

This leads to the midlife marriage crisis. Often, this is made more complicated by an affair. Suddenly, the couple has to figure out how to resolve a midlife crisis and stop an affair. The mess is made worse.

Here’s the thing: an affair, sexual or emotional, is not going to help anyone through a midlife crisis. Unfortunately, because the seeking meaning is so hard to define, but the drive is so great, many people find themselves caught in a web of temptation.

It is a sense that the current marriage is not meaningful. But the real issue is that life is not meaningful. Finding meaning in life, not having an affair, is a healthy approach.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Two Feelings Necessary In A Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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There are two essential feelings necessary for a marriage to thrive or even survive. Notice I said feelings, not emotions. I think that word better describes what I am trying to communicate. I feel a certain way. That ties into an emotional response, but is still different.

I note these feelings for you as a way of considering how you are feeling, and to consider how your spouse may be feeling. At this point, I am suggesting these feelings, but am not going to be giving a great deal of answers. That is something I am still working on.

So the two feelings are

  1. Feeling wanted.
  2. Feeling accepted.

Feeling wanted would be in opposition to feeling a) needed or b) unwanted. And feeling accepted is in opposition to feeling rejected (its just that it is not quite so simple as that).

To take these in order: Feeling wanted. With this idea, I am referring to feeling wanted on a number of fronts. Am I wanted sexually? Does the person want to be with me? Does the person want to know me? Does the person want me to do better? These are just a few of the “wants.” You can add yours.

The opposite of feeling wanted is feeling unwanted or needed. Both of these feelings destroy a relationship. If I feel unwanted, then I begin to feel undesirable, unlovable, unworthy. This is especially true if it comes from someone I love. Feeling unwanted causes us to question our physical attractiveness, or mental capacity, our spiritual basis. All from a single feeling.

But just as destructive is the feeling of being needed. You see, someone can need me without wanting me. Or the feeling of being needed can lead to fears of losing one’s self to the other person. When someone needs me, it pulls at me to meet that person’s needs, regardless of what I might want.

What I am not saying: couples do depend on each other. That is the nature of marriage. So the more you weave your life together, the more you functionally rely on each other, and really need each other. But that is different than the feeling of being needed, really of neediness from a spouse.

So, two questions on this one:

  1. Do you feel wanted by your spouse?
  2. Does your spouse feel wanted by you?

Next feeling: the feeling of being accepted. This is one of the most basic emotional needs that we have, to be accepted and loved. While I believe that unconditional love is a goal, not a reality, this is sort of what I am referring to. Does my spouse accept me for who I am?

I am reminded of some wise advice I heard long ago, “when someones ‘I could love you if. . .,’ they already love you, they just want to change you.” Unfortunately, many marriages are built on people making a project out of their spouse. It may start before marriage, or it may start years into a marriage. But most spouses have a “wish list” of changes they would love in a spouse.

In the last week, I have heard about spouses that would be more loved if they: lost weight, got a better job, cleaned better, lasted longer during sex, had more sex, started an interesting hobby, dressed more stylishly, quit drinking, starting exercising, spoke more pleasantly, quit snoring, started going to church, helped more around the house, etc., etc.

Now my point is NOT that we cannot improve ourselves. My point is that when the pressure comes from outside of ourselves, we feel more defeated than empowered and we feel unaccepted (or rejected). When someone wants me to change, my feeling is not of being accepted but of being rejected. I do not feel like I am being helped to change, only that I am not accepted.

What this does NOT mean: we do not have to put up with any behavior, just to accept the other person. I don’t have to accept abuse, lying, criminal behavior, infidelity, and any number of other actions. So if we drop out all the “outliers,” and go with the more typical, then we are aiming at the same target.

Someone once said, after the husband made it clear that she needed to lose weight, “it’s not like I can’t see myself in the mirror! He acts like this is some revelation to me!” Fact is, most of us are aware of our shortcomings and imperfections. Having them pointed out is rarely constructive. Feeling accepted and loved, that is what we all need!

So again:

  1. Do you feel accepted?
  2. Does your spouse feel accepted?

Talk to me. Tell me what you think. Am I on target? Would you like to hear more on this subject? Do you disagree? Leave a comment and tell me what you think.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Why I Work To Save Marriages
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

On a daily basis, I get emails that are, well, less than polite. Most demand I give them my product for free, some doubt my sincerity. A few accuse my of being a con. As my wife noted years ago, “you have to have tougher skin than I to do this.” And in the years on the internet, I have developed some toughness. Still, at some point, anyone gets tired of emails. I do recognize that people write emails in ways they would never write or communicate otherwise. I take that into account. However, I decided I would be clear about this.

My name is Lee Baucom, and I am here to save marriages. That is it. I am not trying to become a millionaire off of other people’s pain. In fact, I live in the same house we have lived in for 10 years. I get up every day and go to work.

So, for anyone thinking that I am some “internet millionaire,” sitting on a beach and sipping cool drinks, please tell that to my bank account!

Some have accused me of being an opportunist. That certainly misses the fact that after 4 years of college, I attended almost 9 years of graduate school, along with 6 years of clinical training. My training was all about marriage and family therapy. This is a field I have worked in for almost 20 years.

Why, then, do I do this? Because I believe in marriage. I believe that marriages are the stability of society, the backbone of successful families. Whenever I hear people saying that divorce is not harmful to children, I know they are quoting research. But they fail to note that much of that research has been reexamined and found flawed and incorrect.

How can children not be affected when someone takes everything they have known about love and security, and torn it in half? And since I get to spend my days with people in pain, I hear about that pain on a daily basis.

Long ago, I decided we can either work to heal the deep wounds, or we can be preventative. And fixing marriages, saving a marriage, is preventative. Save a marriage, save a family.

However, I have never believed that you simply stay married to stay married. You stay married and build a marriage that is life-giving, loving, and supportive. It is not enough just to prevent a divorce, which is why I don’t call my program Stop The Divorce. I am out to save a marriage, make it something worth treasuring.

So why don’t I give away my information for free (actually, I do, with a free marriage ecourse)? Because generally speaking, you get what you pay for. And because there are many, many costs to provide this service (Google sends me a present every Christmas for all the money I pay them for advertising!).

The same people who accuse me of not giving away the information no doubt pay for a doctor’s services, an attorney’s services, maybe even an accountant’s services. That is the way our society works.

I am also aware the the cost of my information is far less than even a decent meal out, probably less than 1/2 the cost of most people’s cell phone bills, equal to maybe 10 drinks at Starbucks, a couple of six-packs of beer, far less than a month of cable — all to save a marriage! Really, I have begun to see it about 99% of the time being about priorities.

So I can promise you this: I am not getting rich off this. I do this because I believe in marriages. I am here to help people save their marriages. Care to join me?

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .