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Monthly Archives :

August 2009

Marriage Advice; Start Here!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Let’s face it: 100% of marriages have difficulties and problems. It is the nature of such a close relationship. Two people living in close proximity are going to have marriage problems. Statistically speaking, about 1/2 of those marriages survive.

What keeps them together? What makes the difference? Is it more than a toss of the coin? Absolutely!

When Greg and Susan came into my office last week, they were trying to decide upon which side of the coin they would land. Should they stay married? Should they divorce?

Both wanted to tell me all about the faults and problems they had during their 11 years of marriage. Frankly, while I politely listened, where they had been was of relatively little interest to me. I was much more interested in where they wanted to get to!

Problem is, Greg and Susan had both decided that the solution to their problems was in their past. They thought that they needed help communicating better. Greg thought Susan was controlling and needed to change. Susan thought Greg was lackadaisical in his approach to life. More importantly, neither felt loved or appreciated.

So, I decided it was time to stop this cascade of pain and useless dialogue. “Greg, Susan, please stop shooting at each other! You both say you want a good marriage, but I have heard neither of you make a positive contribution to where you want to be!” Greg started to respond, but by the look on his face, I knew he was only going to make a defensive statement.

I stopped him, “Greg, hold on for a minute. I can tell you, if you want to know, what the secret is to saving your marriage, and to not only save it, but have a marriage you can treasure!”

Now I had their attention! My answer was going to be deceptively simple, but would take them a lifetime to work out. I continued, “The secret to a successful marriage is following the 2 ‘C’s.’ Fail in doing that, and you will be in trouble. Follow them, and I promise success.”

Greg and Susan had relaxed a bit, but I could tell they were listening intently. “Now, the 2 ‘C’s’ are not complicated, but they require some action and dedication. But mostly, they require you to do something you already said you would.”

By now, they were looking a bit perplexed. What had they already agreed to?

It was time to let them in on the best marriage advice I could give them. Two simple steps that would lead to a lifetime of happy marriage. I slowly told them about the 2 C’s: “The two pieces of the puzzle are Commitment and Connection. If the two of you accept your commitment to the marriage and work on being connected, you cannot fail!”

Let me say a bit about each. First, Commitment: this is the cornerstone of any marriage. It sets the backdrop to a marriage. In most weddings, we promise to stay committed to our spouse, regardless of what the future holds. So the first C is just following through on that promise. Even when things are tough, we rely on having made that commitment. That means we are faced with working it out when there are difficulties. After all, a lifetime commitment requires resolution.

Second, Connection: this is what keeps us wanting to be married. Commitment keeps us married. Connection is the joy. Nurturing connection is a daily activity. It is partly mental — thinking about a marriage and a spouse in loving and respectful ways. It is partly action — finding ways to carve space out during the day to connect and reconnect. This is where our priorities show. If we cannot make time to be connected (even 15 minutes per day!), then our marriage is clearly not at the top of our priorities.

Greg and Susan left the office more relaxed, recommited to working on the relationship, and with some thoughts on how each might work on connection.

What can you do today to deepen the commitment or the connection?

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
“How Dare You Tell Me To Save My Marriage!”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

. . . that was the opening line from an email I just received. The writer was clearly angry, feeling that I was pressuring her into saving her marriage.

So let me be clear, I DO NOT pressure people into trying to save their marriages. Obviously, I do think that marriages should be saved, but I leave the decision to do that with the couple. I am not on some crusade to save every marriage. I am, however, available to help people who want to save their marriages.

There are some who simply believe marriage is a bygone relic of past days. Those folks tend to be people justifying their behavior. Marriage has withstood the test of time as a way of 1) raising a family, 2) finding intimacy, 3) growing and developing, and 4) finding happiness and meaning. Not every marriage makes it that far, but the potential is there.

Should every marriage be saved? No, I am quite clear that I do not think people in abusive relationships should save their marriage. That said, the choice to discard a marriage seems to be taken very lightly these days. It is as if there are no consequences.

Yet study after study shows that children are negatively impacted by divorce. Earlier studies showing differently have been disproven.

The emotional toll on the couple is huge. In time, people do recover, but not without time and effort. That same time and effort would likely have yielded a happy marriage. Funny how that works out!

Financially, a divorce can be devastating. The average cost of divorce in the United States? $20,000. That is the average. Saving a marriage? Almost free!

Oh, and that doesn’t factor in the loss of equity in real estate, worth of retirement funds, loss of savings, child support, maintenance, and lots of other costs that people seem to lose sight of on the way out the door.

Do I force people to save their marriages? Absolutely not! Do I think MANY marriages that end could be saved? Absolutely!

Again, it is a couple’s choice on whether to work to save a marriage. I just know that when people are in pain, we become short-sighted and take what we think is the most direct approach to getting rid of the pain. Unfortunately, it often gets us to chase the wrong target.

If you want to know how to save your marriage, count me in. If you’d rather not, I wish you well.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
My Rough Trip. . . And What It Means To Your Marriage!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Last week, I headed out to Denver for a professional meeting. I left on last Tuesday. Now, I live in Louisville, Kentucky. As you may or may not have heard, last Tuesday a storm of rather historic proportions hit Louisville, dumping between 6 and 8 inches of water in an hour. It continued to rain throughout the day. The storm hit around 8:30am.

Did I mention my flight’s scheduled departure was 8:30am?

The pilot tried to get us out ahead of the storm. He couldn’t. Then, the storm stalled. We (a full plane of people and a cranky flight attendant) spent 3 hours sitting on the runway, unable to go back to the gate (the jetway broke) and unable to leave.

Needless to say, the emotions on the plane were fairly raw. People were trying to recline their chairs or use their phones early on, which the flight attendant would not allow. This escalated the tense situation. It set the emotional tone for the entire ordeal!

The flight attendant was just trying to do what she was supposed to (and when it became evident that we were not going anywhere, she did relax the rules). Those on board were simply trying to be comfortable.

We all missed our connections when we finally departed. We all were tense on the flight and getting off the flight. We all struggled to get to where we needed to be (it took me an additional 9 hours). I would imagine that many of us were angry.

So why am I bringing this up in a blog about saving marriages? Well, I wanted to be angry. Problem was, I couldn’t figure out who to be angry with. The pilots? They tried to beat the storm. The flight attendant? Cranky, but she didn’t cause the delay. The airline? The flight was not purposely scheduled during a storm. No, there really was no place for my frustration to go. But I still had the energy inside of me, rolling around. I also had plenty of time to let it dissipate without anyone being around to catch it.

But imagine how many times we all are carrying around anger and frustration, with nowhere to aim it, and it becomes misplaced. We take out our frustrations and anger on those closest to us (emotionally and by vicinity), even if they had nothing to do with it. That is misplaced anger.

When that happens, the misplaced anger finds a target, fair or unfair. Then we start justifying the anger at that person. While waiting in line to rebook (if this happens to you, call reservations. Trust me. It saved me an hour in line), I heard person after person take it out on the customer service folks. They had nothing to do with the weather, but they sure caught the frustrations!

Too bad we are less prepared to simply let go of anger that is misplaced. Too bad our wiring tends for us to hold onto that energy, looking for a target. That is how our biology and our brain works.

Good thing we have a mind that can keep working to find calm and to let go of the anger! Good thing that we get to choose our response!

During the trip, my daughter texted me and asked how I was doing. I told her that I was choosing to be aware that I was where I was, there was nothing I could do, and that I was OK with that. She asked me how that was going. I told her that every once in a while, I actually believed it! 🙂

Being angry or frustrated is not the problem. The problem is when we allow those feelings to be misplaced, and it causes harm to relationships we treasure. Next time you find yourself frustrated by work, traffic, whatever, remember to pause and make sure you are aiming at the right target!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .