The Connection-Starved Marriage

• October 20, 2009
• Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
• 7 comments

“Why can’t we figure this relationship thing out?” Have you ever had that question? It doesn’t seem that it should be difficult, but at least in the U.S., the chances of a marriage making it is almost a coin toss!

I have spent the last 2 decades or so reading, studying, researching, observing, and questioning this. Problem is, we often try to simplify a fairly complex thing. Relationships, any relationship, have problems. It is just the nature of humans living together.

So, at the risk of over-simplifying, let me do just that! I want to examine one dimension of this with you today. So enter with me into. . . (queue Twilight Zone theme) the Connection Dimension!

You see, I really think that the majority of marriages actually get into trouble because of becoming Connection Starved. Recent books have simplified this further into a “sex starved” situation. However, I think it is one level deeper — connection! Feeling connected, getting connection, and connecting — those are the issues.

Let’s just put together two pieces of connection: emotional connection and physical connection. Those two pieces are the root of many of our issues.

Emotional connection includes having emotional needs met, feeling heard, feeling valued, and feeling as if your spouse cares for you and to be with you. Physical connection is not just about sex. Humans are wired for touch. It can come in many forms: hugs, hand-holding, kissing, caressing, massages, and sex.

My observation is that couples become rather lackadaisical about both areas. They stop talking and listening, sharing feelings, and nurturing connection. Likewise, couples stop attending to their physical connection. Children start getting the hugs, sex slows, and suddenly, the couple has disconnected on both fronts.

Add to this the resentment of having a connection need, but feeling it is unfulfilled. We often forget, since the couple has stopped sharing emotions, that both are feeling the same thing.

In many couples, there is a difference in the necessary connection in each area. One may have a higher need for physical connection and the other a higher need for emotional connection. Over time, when one feels that he or she is not getting enough, it is natural to not give enough. Then, both people are feeling disconnected.

The result? Less connection. More than that, withholding connection. Slowly, the relationship is starved to death. Anger and hurt from feeling rejected takes over, and then the wheels fall off.

You see, my other observation is that as long as each person is getting their quota of connection, they are willing to accept that there are issues. No marriage is without issues. That is a fact of life. But those issues feel insurmountable without connection. With connection comes acceptance.

But remember, we can offer connection and acceptance on our own, when we recognize that we are free to choose our own actions, our attitude. That is part of what I focus on in the Save The Marriage System.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.