Can You REALLY Save A Marriage, Even If Only One Wants To?

• February 24, 2010
• Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
• 19 comments

I just received a marketing email from yet another “relationship expert.”  In it, he stated that it is “crap” that an expert would claim that someone can save a marriage, even if only that person wants to save his or her marriage.

I laughed, but then I was sad.  You see, this “expert” exists in the same realm of others that have given up on marriages where one person has “checked out.”  More than that, he is convincing others they can’t do anything!

What a shame. . . and what a falsehood!

On a daily basis, I watch people work on their marriage, starting by themselves, and restore their relationships.

So, let me be clear about my beliefs:  It is NOT possible to completely restore a marriage by yourself.  You CANNOT force someone to stay in a marriage.   You can’t, in some “magical” way, create a zombie of a spouse.

HOWEVER, you CAN start the process of restoration by yourself.  You CAN work to bring a spouse back into the relationship.  In fact, it has happened countless times in EVERY relationship, in smaller ways.

Every relationship has problems.  In my own life, there are times when one or the other is upset, and my wife or I approach the other, unilaterally, to restart the relationship.  One of us starts acting differently, apologizes, acts lovingly, etc.  Then, the other of us steps back into relating.

The question is how one begins acting, unilaterally, when a huge crisis is underway.  That is what I have specialized in, how someone can start the process.  From there, the other person must, at some point, rejoin the process.

Can someone save a marriage alone?  Absolutely!  Can someone start that process alone?  ABSOLUTELY!