March 2011

“What IS the secret to saving a marriage?” I am asked that marriage on a daily basis. In fact, just this morning, I was speaking with “Donna.”

She asked the same thing: “We are in deep trouble, and I didn’t even know it! We have 2 kids, and hectic lives. I knew we weren’t connecting much, but I didn’t know we were headed for trouble. . . until he asked me for a divorce!”

I have heard the same story over and over. People get married, get settled into life, and get into trouble. Whether is is kids, jobs, school, hobbies, friends, or some other distraction, life pulls at us.

The real issue? Connection. Simple as that. Connected marriages weather the storms. Disconnected marriages wither and die.

Donna told me about the signs that she missed along the way. She told me that all she wanted now was to save her marriage. Problem was, her husband had completely disconnected.

But truth is, their marriage problems started some time ago, when they stopped feeding and watering the relationship.

So, confession time: I have killed a few houseplants in my time. All unintentional. But still, the dead remnants have ended up in the trash more than once (or even twice).

So what happened? That plant was nice and green when I brought it in! I found what I thought were perfect spots for the plants, and they certainly looked good sitting there. . . for a while.

Oh, sure, at first, I made sure they were watered and had fertilizer sticks put in. But at some point, I forgot how long it had been since I had replaced the stick.

Then, at some point, I didn’t tend to the watering quite so carefully. Usually, I realized it, and got back to watering. The wilting plant would spring back to life!

But I noticed a leaf or two would drop. The drought had affected it!

I would then start slipping back into old habits, until the dirt was poor and dry.

Then, there came a point when I could not catch up! I could not bring the plant back to life! It had withered and died.

My point is, marriages are a lot like the plants. They need to be tended, kept up. Watered, fertilized, placed in healthy spots.

What is the water and fertilizer of marriage? So glad you asked!

Connection. Connection with each other. You see, we humans are made to be in connection, in relationship. We NEED someone else for our connection needs to be met.

But we forget that is natural, and assume that need is unnatural, dependent, even codependent! That causes us to stop connecting.

Oh, it is certainly innocent, at least at first. But over time, when we don’t feel we are getting connection, we stop giving connection.

And we literally starve the relationship!

Until it cannot recover.

Don’t keep waiting! Decide you will reach out and connect. Decide you want to move toward your spouse. Decide NOT to worry about how your spouse is NOT moving toward you.

If you want to know more on how to save your marriage, please take a look at Save The Marriage.