“Can This Marriage Be Saved?”

• May 5, 2011
• Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
• no comments

Wow!  Doesn’t that question just get to the heart of the matter?  I just got off the phone with “Gina.”  Those were the first words out of her mouth, “Can this marriage be saved?”  She continued, “I want to save my marriage, but I don’t know whether I can.”

I wish I had a crystal ball and could tell Gina.  Her husband had started legal proceedings, but she wanted to stop the divorce.  She wanted two things from me.  First, she wanted marriage advice, but she also wanted to know if it was even possible to save her marriage.

The thing is, sometimes I see marriages that I think “there is no way this marriage will be saved,” but it survives!  But sometimes, I can see no real reason why the marriage can not be saved, and the divorce can’t be stopped.  The tough part of this is that there is another person who can still choose to act, no matter what one person might do.

So I asked Gina to tell me more about her marriage, trying to help answer the question of “can my marriage be saved.”  Gina told me that there had been unfaithfulness.  She also told me they were separated.  Then she told me that there had been no intimacy in over 6 years.  Then she added that they had separate finances.  And then she continued to tell me more and more division points in their relationship.

And that is when I know that we have a real struggle on our hands.  I guess it should be self-apparent, but the more issues there are in the way, the more points of separation, the harder it is to pull it back together again.  Sometimes, the shattering is just too great.

But Gina was ready for the tough times!

She had decided, when she asked the question, “can this marriage be saved?” that my answer did not matter.  As she told me in the midst of our discussion, “I WILL save my marriage.”  There was some real spunk there!

I warned Gina that her desire to save it might waver.  I suggested that she right down her commitment to try and save her marriage, and to make a list of why she was doing it.  The list would serve her well when she had doubts.  It gave her an opportunity to remind herself about why she was doing what she was doing.

I tried to provide the marriage advice she needed to save her marriage, if it were possible.  I don’t know if she can save her marriage.  I do know this:   if she does not try, there is no hope!  At the end, regardless of the outcome, she can look in the mirror and say “I did all I could to save my marriage and stop a divorce!”

Bravo, Gina!