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Monthly Archives :

June 2012

Save Your Marriage Rule #7: Avoid Power Struggles
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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When I was a boy, I went off to summer camp in the mountains of Virginia.  My Mom would tell you I was not ready for summer camp and didn’t like it.

She would be, for the most part, correct.  Her reason would vary from mine, though.

My reason:  mid-week, in the middle of the night, one of my counselors is yelling to the other counselor who was sleeping in his tent with his boombox (yes, that long ago) turned up.  Finally, we boys ran out to check and see what was up, only to be told to freeze in our tracks.

Turns out the one counselor found himself trapped on the trail by a rattlesnake.  The snake wouldn’t move and the counselor couldn’t go a different way (did I tell you the camp was, well, rustic?).

We went to the tent and got the other counselor, and then were sent back to our tents to “sleep.”  We all had heard the rattling.  And we all knew that rattler had friends.  They had to be out there, somewhere!

In the morning, after we hiked down for breakfast, we got to go to the ranger station to visit our new “friend.”  In retrospect, he was probably 3 or 4 feet long, but I would have sworn him to be 10 feet long back then.

The rattler was not happy to be captive in a chicken-wire cage.  But we all enjoyed his ill-fortune.  I would step toward him, and watch him go from watchful to threatening.  His rattle would pop up.  The closer you got, the louder the sound.  Step away, he calmed down.

Step closer, he got riled up.

Step away, he calmed down.

What fun for a 12 year old!

And step very close, the snake would strike at you, hitting his nose on the chicken wire.  That nose was raw in no time.

In retrospect, I feel kinda sorry for the snake.  But back then, it was just good fun to rile him up.

And now I realize that the snake wasn’t even really angry.  Snakes are not capable of that emotion.  Threatened is what he felt.

Step close, threat was real.  Step away, threat was gone.

How, you might ask, does this possibly relate to marriage?

That same piece of brain that the snake has that reacts to threat, I have it in my head too.  And so do you.

Our brain is designed to alert us to danger.  Not just alert us, bu put our body on alert, ready for attack.

That piece of the brain is the deepest part of our brain, poetically named the “reptillian brain” or “r-complex.”

The reptillian brain is really only designed to keep us alive.  It is not social, does not care about collateral damage, and is set with a hair-pin trigger.

It takes nothing to set it off, and then takes its time calming down.  Think of the last time you were startled.  You feel the hit of adrenaline, and may still feel it 20 minutes later — even though the event that caused the reaction may have only been a few seconds (or less) in duration.

You have that piece in your head, and so does your spouse.  And that is where the trouble begin.  Two lizards, looking at each other, waiting for some possibility of a threat.

Head tilt, hands on hips, tone in voice, word choice.  It takes very little to get that part of th brain to put our systems on alert.  And when our systems go on alert, we get caught in the fight/flight/freeze response that you have probably heard of.

Problem is, there may not be a threat.  It may mean nothing.  Yet we respond as if it is.

Which brings us to power struggles.  We struggle for power so that we do not lose power.

I cannot tell you how many people have reported that they have no power, that the other person is in control — and I hear it from both, simultaneously.  Someone has to be in control, right?

But we are talking about perception, not reality.

Both perceive they are losing power and act to get it back.  And that starts off the power struggle.

You have been there, so I don’t really need to identify for you the places you and your spouse get caught in the struggle.  I will let you identify that for yourself.

But what do you do?

First, accept that part of you is in there.  Accept that there is that piece of your brain that is caught by the sense of threat.  Understand it is perception and not reality.

Second, affirm that you want to live as a WE, as a team.  You want to be connected.

Third, seek to always understand where your spouse is coming from (and don’t listen to the lizard that whispers “why doesn’t my spouse have to understand me?”  Lizards pretend to be about fairness.  But really, they want to win!). In the midst of talking, ask “can you help me understand how you see it that way?”  Ask politely.  Don’t make it a sarcastic statement.  Be sincere.

Fourth, recognize that a power struggle will not get either of you any closer to your goals.  So decide to work together.  Decide to join together to make it through life in better ways than either of you could do alone.

Fifth, be sympathetic that your spouse may still want to struggle.  We are raised on that!  It can take a while for the brain to re-wire away from it.  Give it time.  Be patient with your spouse, and with yourself!

Finally, power struggles are symptoms that point to places where you are still playig “you/me,” and not “WE.”  Use it to identify the areas where you can grow and develop the relationship.

If you are ready to stop the power struggles, grab the Save The Marriage System by CLICKING HERE.

Sand Castles and Transitions
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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My daughter and I were building a sandcastle on the beach.  That would be a very typical scene in my life.  I always liked the feel of the sand, the ability to shape it into a castle, and ultimately watching the tide reclaim the sand.

That day, my daughter was about 4 years old.  She is 18 now.  My father was sitting with us.  I told my Dad, “this is a lesson in the impermanence of life.  You build.  It falls.  You build again.”

I was a chaplain at a hospital then.  I had seen many lessons in the impermanence of life.  Life was hellos and goodbyes.  I watched people come into this world and watched people leave this world.  I watched many leave the hospital, some recovered and some with their lives changed forever.

Change really is a central part of life, as much as we fight it, as much as we resist.  Change still sneaks in.  Life continues to move forward.

A few years later, I was in the kitchen, having just earned my SCUBA certification.  I commented to my wife, “I need to find a dive buddy.”  My darling 8 year-old daughter looked up in all earnestness and said “Daddy, you don’t have to look.  I’ll be your dive buddy.”

True to her word, 2 years later, as soon as she could, she got certified.  She has always been my little girl.

Which brings us to now.  For the first two days of this week, I spent it at college orientation for my daughter.  It is hard to believe we are just a couple of months from her launching into a whole new chapter in her life!

For 18 years, I have sought to protect her from harm.  Now, I have to send her into the world, to find her own way.  That takes some recalculations on my part.

Life keeps moving forward.

We can either embrace the changes or fight them.  Either way, the changes will come.

So what do we do when the transitions come our way?

First, we can acknowledge that grief is part of the process.  Even if it is a movement to something far greater, when we leave something behind, we feel the grief.

My daughter will be changing her status in our family.  She will be no less my daughter, but she will be adding on the fact that she steers her ship now.  She is the captain.

Second, we can either see it as a challenge — a learning experience, or we can see it as a crisis.

In reality, every experience and transition has something to teach us.  But only when we are ready to learn.  The nice thing is that if we are not quite ready, the lesson will wait.  But it will insist on being learned.

Third, we wait for the “new normal.”  It takes a little time to find our equilibrium.  Sometimes, we keep thinking that something must be wrong.

If we wait it out, we find what is on the other side.  We discover that normal returns.  It is a “new normal,” but it does become comfortable.

It’s like that new pair of shoes.  It rubs in all the wrong spots.  Until it molds and stretches to our unique foot.  Then it fits.  It starts feeling right.

Transitions make us uncomfortable, unless we wait them out and discover what is on the other side!

I could not be more proud of my daughter, and she could not be more ready to jump into this big world.

And I will get used to the new reality.

It just may take a little while!

Rule #6 To Save Your Marriage: Give Up on “What Should Be”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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What should a marriage be?  What should your spouse be like?  How should he/she treat you?  What should you have done to save your marriage?

Do you hear those questions float around in your heads?  They are all useless.

“Should” is a very dangerous world.  It is based in wishful thinking that never happens.

“I should go to the gym” is very different than “I am going to the gym.”  “I shouldn’t eat that dessert” is a far cry from “I am not going to eat that.”

Should and shouldn’t — useless.  Don’t use them.  Ever.  You really shouldn’t.  🙂

Why is it these words are so useless?  Because they are based in a part of the mind that is not convinced of any change.  It is a reflection of some thought in your mind that is not really even yours — something you should do.  It is external to what you will do.

Where does your idea of what a marriage “should” be come from?  It is not based on what your marriage is, so it is not based in reality.  It may be based on what you see or saw in your parents or grandparents, with friends, in a book, on a movie, or anywhere else.

But it is not based on what “is.”  Nor is it likely to be based on what is coming.

“We should have a better marriage” is not an action plan.  It is simply wishful thinking.  You may either hope for that, or chastise yourself and your spouse for not having it.  But it is not moving you toward it.

That does not mean that I think things cannot change. Quite the opposite.  I deeply believe in the capacity for change, growth and transformation.

It is just that people and situations will not change based on “should.”

In my office, on a daily basis, I hear the word “should” over and over.  “I should. . .” and “we should. . .” echo throughout the day.  Sometimes, I just count how many times I hear it.  Sometimes, I ask the person to restate it as “I will. . .” or “we will. . . .”  Interestingly, many people who say “should” are unable to say “will.”

“Will” is based in exactly that, our “will.”  It is based in action and direction.  It puts us on the hook.  We either have to act, or we have to admit we did not.  “Should” keeps us off the hook, even if the answer is “right.”

Is that voice in your head asking “so what should I do instead?”  See?  That word is so sneaky.

Let’s change it: “What could I do instead?”

I LOVE that change!  “Could” and “can” have potential.  Especially when followed with “this is what I will do.”

So let’s start with what “is.”

Where is your relationship right now?  Where are you starting from?  Be specific.  Accept that where you are is where you begin.

Think of it as the “present perfect.”  No, not a grammar lesson.  But a truth about life.  The present is perfect.

Not perfect, as in “without blemish,” but perfect in the sense that it exactly reflects the actions and circumstances that get us to here.  The present is a perfect reflection of where we have been.

Good and bad, it is a match of where we are.  That includes our relationship.  A marriage, at this instant, is a perfect reflection of all that has happened up until now.

If we ignore our spouse, it is strange to be surprised that our hurt and disconnected spouse reacts to that.

If we work to stay connected to each other, then a relationship that reflects connection and commitment is where we find ourselves.  The present reflects the path that got us to here.

Don’t like where you are?  Change the path!

Is your marriage disconnected?  Is your relationship conflicted?  Is your marriage out of balance?

Assess your role in this.  What have you done to contribute to the current situation?

If you say “nothing,” you have either married a sociopath, or you are ducking responsibility.  Oh, and if you answer “I married a sociopath,” then I have to ask, aren’t you responsible for doing that?

So, let me ask again, so you can reflect, what is your responsibility in where your relationship is now?

Accept that has been a part of what has gotten the relationship to where it is.  Not the whole.  There are two in this.

Another hard one to accept:  you have capacity to change only one part of the equation — you.  No need to start with “yes, but my spouse ______.”  That is especially true if the sentence continues with “my spouse should _________.”

Now, for a moment, imagine what your marriage could be about.  Not what it should be, but what it could be.  Similar, but not the same.  You see, could has potential.

Imagine that, and let’s start building toward that.

If you can’t figure out what it could be, please grab my Save The Marriage System by CLICKING HERE.

Rule 5: Accept that You and Your Spouse See Things Differently
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Perspective. An important word. Your perspective is the position from which you view the world.

You formed your perspective over a lifetime. It starts with your genetic makeup, then your gender shapes it. Then your family experience shapes the foundations. Then, every experience you have in life either confirms or changes your perceptions and your perspective.

Is it any wonder that you and your spouse are going to see things differently?

As I point out the obvious, let me also point out how often we forget that little fact: we see things completely different than anyone else in the world.

We all have an individual psychological reality — we all have a unique way of seeing and understanding the world around us and the meaning of events that unfold.

The fact that we see things differently is really not the issue. The problem comes when we forget this is the case. We stop realizing we are seeing things differently and think that we are seeing things “the way they are.”

And when a spouse sees things differently, we become convinced that they are not seeing things accurately. This often leads to one of two actions:
1) Trying to correct their “incorrect” view,
2) Wondering what is wrong with us.

First, there is a difference between “incorrect” and “inaccurate.” We all have inaccurate views of reality. They may or may not be incorrect.

I perceive events from how they affect me. I view actions in their impact upon me. You do the same. So, we are going to arrive at very different views of the action.

More than that, we generally tell ourselves stories that put ourselves in the best light.

I will admit it, I like to be:
–the good guy,
–right,
–and consistent.
How about you? Do you want to be the same? I think most people do. So, when I do something that is not so nice, I am going to tell a story that excuses me. And I want to be right, so I am tempted to make sure the “evidence” backs me up. And I want to be consistent. So I look for ways that keep me thinking the same things about myself.

For example, if I believe myself honest and truthful, but then do something that is dishonest, I must find a way to justify that. Otherwise, I would have to change my self-perception. We humans don’t like to do that. We like to be consistent.

So what does this have to do with your marriage?

Simple. We most often forget that people see things differently when we are dealing with a spouse.

It is that assumption that “we are on the same page” that really gets us into trouble.

How many arguments are simply a reflection of a difference of viewpoint? Think of parenting differences. Sure, there are some “wrong” things that a parent could do. But there are far more that are simply differences of perspective and viewpoint.

Yet these differences can end up feeling like “right vs. wrong.” And that is where the problems arise. When we lose track of the fact that something is a difference of opinion, we label it a right versus wrong. And then the arguments deepen.

Or how about with money? For some, money means freedom. For others, money means security. Freedom is all about what money can do for enjoyment now: free to go out to dinner, free to go on vacation, free to buy clothes, etc. Security is all about preparing for uncertanties: insurance, retirement, investment, etc.

Both are correct. And both can be out of balance. And even if a couple both lean toward one end or the other, what is okay for being secure or for enjoying freedom can vary.

No surprise that couples often argue about parenting and finances. And when couples dig in that one person’s view is correct, and the other person’s view is wrong, the arguments are headed nowhere.

That does not mean that everything is alright. It does not mean that every parenting decision or financial decision is just a matter of perspective.

But that is true. It is a matter of perspective — even if the action is “dangerous.”

When couples are able to discuss what is behind the perspective, the couple has a chance of at least understanding each other. Not agreeing, but understanding.

Rule 5 may seem obvious, now that I mentionn it. But how often do you forget it? How often do you assume that either you see things just alike, or that you are seeing things correctly?

Both get us into trouble. Assume you are on the same page, and you will quickly see where you are not. You will quickly discover the many places where you are not just on different pages, but in different chapters.

Assume you are correct, and you a) miss how often your perceptions are limited and b) close yourself off to greater and better options.

As I noted in the first rule, marriage is about being a WE. But I also noted it is not about being in a “mind meld.” Two indivicuals, bringing together their perspectives, is much closer to “reality” than only one person’s views.

But only if you acknowledge this and decide you will learn from ach other, and you will seek to understand where your spouse is coming from.

Be open to the possibility that you and everyone else has a different view of reality.
Be open to the possibility that somoeone else’s perspective may actually be closer to reality.
Be willing to learn from the different viewpoint. You don’t have to agree to understand.
Be sure to explore why your spouse sees something differently. Remember, you are different people with different experiences. That guarantees the specifics of how you view the world will be different.

Why We Don’t Change (And What To Do About It!)
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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A short break in the Top 10 Rules!

I was driving out of my neighborhood, headed to work today.  And I realized I was going a way I don’t usually go.  Or I should say “didn’t use to go.”

What happened?  How did I end up there?

Okay, so give me a second to explain.  There are 4 ways to exit my neighborhood from my house.  I always went with 2 of them.  Then, they decided to do some roadwork off the main road that encompassed two of the exits.  And when I say “roadwork,” I mean wet tar, wet oil, pieces of scrap metal, etc.  In other words, nothing I wanted to drive through!

So, I decided (note I said “decided”) to go another way.  The next day, I head off to the office.  And I find myself driving the old way.  I fussed at myself and turned around.  That afternoon, I automatically headed in the old way.  I fussed at myself again!

The next day, I very purposefully set out to go the new way. . . and started to turn the old way!  “What is up?” I asked myself.  I corrected, and went out the new way.  The next few days, I forced myself to remember to go the new way.

One day, I noticed I was headed out the new way, and hadn’t had to be so purposeful.  It was just the new way out.  And today, a month after the work ended (and therefore my original reason for changing), and I found myself headed out the “new” way (which is quickly becoming the old way!).

How many times do you hear people saying “that’s just not me”?  Often, it is about some change — new hairstyle, new clothes, etc.  Any change somehow challenges our perception of “me.”  Even if the challenge seems fairly innocuous, if not downright useless.

Yet we tend to stay in our routines, regardless of how useful that routine may be.  If our routine is to eat that snack just before bed, even as the scales are warning us about how the “me” is expanding, we are likely to keep on snacking.

Neuroscientists can tell us that the more we do something, the more the habit grows.  And as the habit grows, we create a “groove” in our neurology.  We connect our neurons to that certain habit.

The longer we do the habit, the deeper the groove.  The deeper the groove, the harder the habit is to break.  And the more we begin to see that habit as part of the “me.”

Which means that I discuss doing something different in their marriage.  I request they act differently toward a spouse, stop yelling, bring flowers, call to update, etc., etc., etc.  And the response I get is “I can’t do that.  I just can’t change.  That’s not me.”  Precisely, I think to myself.

But the “me” they are operating from is NOT working, and IS causing a problem in their marriage.  So why not try to change?

BECAUSE CHANGE IS HARD!

At least in the beginning.

Until the change becomes habit — becomes the new “ME.”

Which brings us to the important piece, “what to do about it!”  We all know change is hard.  But change is life, right?

So, let’s start with this:  if it ain’t working, time to change.  Let’s just agree to that.

If we can’t agree to that, then the rest is irrelevant.

Still with me?

Okay, so let’s first define what it is you need to change.  What do YOU (not your spouse, as you have no control over that) need to change in how you interact with your spouse?

Write that down.

Now ask yourself this:  “Is that really a core piece of myself?”  “Does it really define me as a person?”  “What if I do it differently.  Will I be an entirely different person, or will I just be interacting differently?”

Be clear about that.  How you interact is not who you are.  It is a habit of interaction.

Next step:  what is the better way to interact?

Why is it a better way?   Again, be clear about this.

Now, notice when you usually do the old way.  Imagine a time when you did just that, then reimagine it with the new way.

Next step:  assume you will not be perfect.  Remember my driving?  I kept leaving the old way.  But I stopped and corrected.

Same for you.  When you try the new way, if you find yourself starting down the old way, stop.  Apologize, and try it the different way.

Then keep on trying the new way.

One day, and in not as long as you think, the new way will be the old way.

Keep changing.  Keep evolving.  That is the nature of life.  It’s all about growing!

Ready to make a change in your marriage?  CLICK HERE.

Rule #4: Use Civility — Even When You Don’t Feel It!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Be civil to save your marriageI remember years ago hearing a Native American quote that we are all born with claws and fangs, but learn to use them as nails and teeth.

Unfortunately, it takes very little for the fangs and claws to reemerge, especially when there is a bit of tension (or a lot!).

When we feel threatened, we find some pretty primitive responses suddenly rush through us.  Fear gets us there.  It creates a very primitive response of fight-or-flight.

And when what is considered to be the most important relationship in our life feels threatened, that response erupts.

When there is disconnection in a relationship, and the conflict becomes entrenched, more and more your spouse becomes an intimate enemy.

We begin to respond in ways that don’t make sense to us in calmer moments.

In the midst of a fight, do you hear that voice watching yourself and thinking “why am I acting this way”?  That is the more civilized part of your brain being surprised by that ancient brain.

Oh, sure, we can justify and excuse ourselves, thinking “how else can I respond, given how my spouse is acting?”

But we know better.  We know we are acting beneath our higher selves. We find ourselves acting in immature, irrational, uncharacteristic ways.

Civility

A major step in saving your marriage is choosing to act civilly. Acting otherwise keeps the cycle going.

So what does civility mean here?

Kindness, respect, positive regard.  Not reacting with criticism, sarcasm, raised voices, veiled threats (or open threats), mocking tones, or demands.

Let me pause a moment and say, this is not about choking down your anger, not talking about problems, or avoiding conflict.

It is simply being kind and decent when you are working on tough things.  And it means being warm and engaging when you are in daily interactions.

Really, it is starting (or restarting) your relating with the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Notice it is not “Do unto others as they do to you.”  It is about treating another person in ways we want to be treated.

I am not starting with such goals as being cuddly and loving.  Instad, let’s draw a baseline at a much simpler spot.  It is just about treating the other person (your spouse) with respect.

Did a voice just pop up and say “respect?  I don’t respect him/her.”?

Let me just theorize that there is such a thing as unconditional respect.  This is a layer of respect that is showing respect by actions.  It is not tied to feeling respect.  Perhaps your spouse has done something that disrupts your feeling of respect (maybe even trampling it).

That is not what I am addressing here.  I am suggesting that we all have that choice on how we are going to act toward someone; how we will treat him or her.

Let’s make a choice, a decision, that going forward, we will treat our spouse with civility and respect.

It makes the other rules have far more traction!