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Monthly Archives :

September 2015

Top 10 Myths of Saving Your Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Top 10 Myths of Saving Your Marriage.Let’s just start with a question I hear all the time:  “My spouse doesn’t want to work on the marriage.  So, there is nothing I can do, right?”

Wrong.

This is one of the top myths about saving your marriage.

I work with many people who are trying to save their marriage with a spouse who is not willing to work on the relationship.

But there are other myths.  For example, many people believe they need to “just talk it out,” or take a big trip, buy a house, have a child. . . .  And yet, none of these work.  All myths of saving your marriage.

Or how about the number of people looking for some hint, trick, or tip that will do it.  People want that simple little “mind trick” (some Jedi, ninja, CIA, reverse-psychology, NLP “thingy”) that will turn things around.  Myth.

But that doesn’t mean that you can’t save your marriage!  Just that you don’t want to get “suckered” by one of the myths.

Want to know the Top 10 Myths of Saving Your Marriage?  Listen below.

Want to know how to truly save your marriage?  CLICK HERE

RELATED RESOURCES:
Top 10 Myths of Marriage
Top 10 Myths of Marital Therapy

 

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Top 10 Myths of Marital Therapy
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Top 10 myths of marital therapy.“If I could just get her to go to marriage therapy with me,” he told me, “I know we could turn this around.”

Statistically speaking, this is likely NOT the case.  Just one myth about marital therapy.

In fact, the statistics are pretty consistent:  marital therapy is, more often than not, unhelpful.

Also, did you know that your marriage therapist may not have any special training in marital therapy?  The therapist may be well trained as a therapist, but not necessarily as a marriage therapist.  Does that matter?  YES.  Another myth, though, about marital therapy.

Can I share my other myths with you?  Like why dragging a spouse into therapy is likely NOT helpful, and more than likely counter-productive.  And no, the therapist does not have a secret formula to change your spouse’s mind.

This week, I share my top 10 myths about marital therapy.  What about you?  What is your experience of therapy like?

 

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Top 10 Myths of Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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The top 10 myths of marriage.What do YOU believe about marriage?  Is it a myth?  Can it get you into trouble?

Have you ever heard the myth that you marry your “soul mate”?  Well, that myth can cause some pretty big problems.

How about the idea that you should never go to bed angry?  You will end up tired and frustrated.  And yet another myth that can get you into trouble.

Or how about the belief that if there is no passion right now, the marriage is doomed?  Myth.  And one that causes lots of problems.

In this week’s podcast, I have gathered my top 10 myths of marriage, and tried to “myth-bust” them.

Join me for the top 10 myths, and then let me know what other myths you see.

[Ready to learn the truth about marriage?  Learn what marriage can be HERE.]

 

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Is It Time To Throw In The Towel?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Is it time for me to throw in the towel? Probably not.I get asked that question all the time:  “Is it time for me to throw in the towel?”

Almost always, it is NOT time to throw in the towel — unless, of course, you decide to.

That term, “throw in the towel,” comes from boxing.  The boxer (or his corner guy) could throw a towel into the ring and admit defeat.

First, please remember that your spouse is not your sparring partner or opponent.  Your spouse’s belief that the marriage can’t go on, that is your opponent.

Second, realize that in the “full contact” of saving a marriage, you can feel hurt and frustrated.  You can feel that you have hit a wall.  But that isn’t the reasons you should throw in the towel (unless, of course, you choose to do so).

Winston Churchill famously said, “Never, never, never, never give up.” (Actually, he said, “Never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.”)

There are times, though, when you do need to walk away, give up, throw in the towel.  In this podcast, I give you the times to do that, as well as the times you may choose to NOT throw in the towel.

Listen below.

RESOURCES:
Save The Marriage System
Coaching Resources

 

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Why The “No Contact Rule” Is Crap
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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The "No Contact Rule" won't work to save your relationship. Here's why.Let me start by being clear, the “no contact rule” has nothing to do with the legal “no contact order.”

If you are not familiar with the “no contact rule,” it is a technique that is floating around the internet.  Before I tell you what it is, please promise you won’t use it.  Okay?

Here is the rule:  if your partner leaves, have zero contact with them for 30 days.  During that time, so the theory goes, the person will become curious, even obsessed with you.  The person will literally be driven crazy and come begging back to you.

Except it doesn’t work.  Or more precisely, it rarely works.  Sometimes, the person comes back — but I have a feeling it had nothing to do with the “no contact rule.”  In fact, I checked a couple of times, and my suspicions were correct.

Why does this rule, then, keep getting passed around?  Well, we all want a little trick, a little technique, that will solve a problem.  But rarely do tricks really work.  And it does give a little relief, because you stop focusing on the other person (but you can do that without the “no contact rule.”)

And yes, there are some therapists who suggest this rule.  Most have read the same articles floating around — or more likely, they are individual therapists who are helping you move on.

I have been asked, “But doesn’t ‘absence make the heart grow fonder?'”

Nope.

Absence only makes a fond heart grow fonder.  It does not have the same effect on the hurt, angry, or distant heart.

All the “no contact rule” does is prove the point to the other person — you don’t care enough to even try, and the decision was correct.

As one person told me, “I started the ‘no contact rule’ when he left.  It was supposed to be 30 days.  I am now 6 months in, and he has not contacted me.  He sent me one text when I reached out after a month, ‘Why now???’  That was it.  He has moved on.”

Don’t get sucked into the “no contact rule.”  It is crap.

Listen to this week’s podcast for more reasons why people suggest it and why it is so dangerous.

NOTE:  If you are ready to try a “no tricks” way to restore your relationship, GRAB my Save The Marriage System HERE.

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3 Reasons Why Your Spouse Is Dishonest
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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3 reasons why your spouse is dishonest.Why the lies?  Why the deception?  Why the dishonesty?

There are some root reasons why your spouse is being dishonest with you.

For whatever you want to believe about “character flaw” and “no morals,” that is not likely to be the real issue.

Sure, there are some “pathological liars.”  And there are psycho/sociopaths out there.  But that is not likely to be your spouse.  (Possible, just statistically unlikely.)

So, let’s be honest — everyone is a little dishonest.  We all choose not to say everything that crosses our minds (thank goodness!).

And we all hedge when asked about that new hairstyle, that new dress, the new furniture, etc.  That is how we keep friends and keep from hurting feelings.

But what about those bigger “dishonesties”?  Why does your spouse tell you a lie or choose not to tell you the truth?

I discuss 3 big reasons why there may be dishonesty in your relationship.  It may change how you respond.

 

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