3 Relationship Killers (and 3 Nurturers)

150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

3 Relationship Killers.It may not be on purpose.  But many couples commit relationship murder.  They kill their relationship by accident.

So far, I have NEVER had someone tell me they intentionally set out to slay the marriage.  But the result is the same.  Voluntary or involuntary, the killing of the relationship is the same.

Let me just warn you that these relationship killers sneak in.  And that is why they are so dangerous.  You may not even see them coming.  And you may not see the results. . . until later.

The good news:  there are also some things that nurture a relationship.  (It isn’t ALL bad news!)

Let me share the nurturer’s too!

First, we want to be clear about what to avoid.  But next, we want to be clear on what to pursue.  How to nurture the relationship.

What killers and nurturers did I miss?  Let me know in the comments area below.


Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Dr. Baucom is internationally known for his methods and approaches to saving marriages. For over 25 years, Dr. Baucom has been helping people around the world to save, restore, and create the relationships they desire and deserve. He is the author of the book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps, and creator of the Save The Marriage System, as well as numerous other resources.

All stories by: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
  • gosia

    Dear Dr Lee! Would you please do a podcast on HAPPINESS in marriage and also explain the great quote “we create the past and remember the future” My husband moved out 5 months ago and I have no chance to show him all great things I have learn from your program. I only see him once a week for few hours but he keeps saying “It didn’t work then so it will not work in the future” he also repeats “I just want to be happy, we were not happy” He is so locked up in and he is so closed emotionally towards me, saying “I don’t feel it”. He is not filling for divorce though, he is waiting with this for me and he said he wants to stay friends so we do go out to dinner etc. But there is no relationship talk except he is not changing his mind… He is a simple man, i want to help him understand happiness and creating new relationship. I was in the wrong for years trying to change him and we had no idea and still have hard time resolving conflicts. Other wise we had great times! This is why he is saying “I don’t want to go back to rollercoaster” he also says “I don’t want to get hurt again” “I just want to move on”. He is not moving on… He is miserable, I see it… I want to support him and love him so much like never before. I had a wake up call he is just not giving me any chances…. I want to find a way to explain him better or show him better… please and thank you!

  • Hi Gosia,

    Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to leave a comment!

    I have to warn you: I am always a bit leary of “HAPPINESS” as a goal. It is chasing after a feeling, a moment. Do understand that I am not suggesting that, therefore, you have to settle for miserable.

    I once had a man come to see me. He told me, “I just want to be happy.” But really, he just wanted to NOT be unhappy. Very different. Life is not about just being happy. It is about building a life of meaning and purpose, learning and growing all the way through.

    And usually, when someone says they “want to be happy,” they really are wanting to have no struggles, no problems, no disagreements. They don’t want to work through those struggles. They just want to get rid of them.

    My goal is to build a relationship that is fulfilling and satisfying. And, oh, by the way, when you do that, as a side-effect, you experience happiness, joy, contentment.

    As to that quote on “we remember the future and create the past,” it was from a colleague of mine. He was noting that we tend to revise the past. How we remember it depends upon what is going with us at that time. So, we constantly re-write the memories. It is never a “snapshot,” but a created past. Unfortunately, we then take this created past and project it into the future, as the way it must be. We forget that we have the potential of choosing who we are and how we are.

    That is the task of living: choosing your path, taking responsibility, growing, and connecting.

    Hope that helps!


  • gosia

    Dear Dr Lee, Thank you so much for your response. How could I get in touch with you for one-on-one coaching? Please let me know,t hank you!

  • Hi Gosia,

    Sorry for not responding. I missed your reply.

    I will warn you that I have a very limited number of coaching slots. But if you are still interested, you can email me: Lee (at) savethemarriage.com